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Blast From the Past

25 Jun

As we go through life, sometimes there are personal things we want to change about ourselves. Often it’s a manifestation of our personality that we want to refine, or change. We may want to eliminate procrastination, complaining, over spending, laziness, or something else that’s bothering us. It takes time to change facets of our personality, but when we’re devoted, it is certainly possible. Once we feel we’ve mastered the change, and are happy with our growth, something may happen that throws us back in time – back to the way we were before all our hard work. It could be a visit from someone we haven’t seen in a while who triggers an old response. Or perhaps a stressful situation that makes us drop our guard. Whatever it is, when it happens, and we revert back to old patterns we don’t want, it’s very disappointing.

Relapsing back into a behavior we thought we had overcome doesn’t mean all the work we’ve done to overcome it is wasted. It just means we’ve stepped back into a roll we no longer desire in our lives. We aren’t moving back in, and we aren’t setting up shop. We’ve just taken a step back. When we realize what we’re doing, we can stop and take inventory, look at where we are, and where we want to be, and we can redirect our course. We can take control, and move forward again.

Nobody is perfect. We can’t be perfect in this life. But we can do things that are important to us so we can be happy. Changes aren’t easy to accomplish, but we can make them happen, and if we relapse, we can recapture them. Life throws us curve balls. We get surprised, and sometimes we get hurt. Those things can make us lose our stand for a moment, but that need not be permanent. We are in charge of our behaviors, and if we slip back into something we don’t want, we can slip right back out again. Change isn’t a destination. It’s a process. It’s ongoing, and continual. If we have a setback, we can still move forward.

Today if you feel you’ve lost your way, and returned to a behavior you don’t want, it’s okay. Just start again. Look up, and change your direction. You are capable of change, and you will prevail. Make the adjustments you need to turn around again. Forgive yourself, and let it go. In the big picture, you’ve already come a long way. Keep walking ahead. Pretty soon you will regain your footing, and you’ll be back on track.

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What now?

22 Jun

Sudden, and difficult changes can come into our lives unexpectedly. They are never easy to face, but sometimes it’s the way things go. I have a professional friend who had a lucrative position contracting with a large corporation, and did very well. He was successful, and happy, and looked forward to a long, and prosperous career. His boss got a big promotion, and told him it was partially due to the great work he had done. But when his boss left, and the new leader came in from another agency, she brought her own team in with her. As a contractor, my friend was not an employee of the company, and with the change in leadership, his position was no longer available. He was without a job. Though always a possibility, because he was so good at his work, he never dreamed this would happen. He was devastated, and concerned about what would happen next. Everything had suddenly changed.

When these things come, they are hard to process. Initially we may be in shock, and then we may be angry. But eventually, we have to face the situation, and figure out how to go forward. If a job is involved, time may be critical. In other situations we may have more time. Either way, we still have to face the enormous change that has come to us. We may feel lost at first, and ask, “What now?”

A drastic change in our lives can be very hard to face, very difficult to manage, and emotionally devastating. But if we look at the situation objectively, it’s really just a change in direction. The path we were on has turned, and we feel unsure because we’re on unfamiliar territory. It’s hard to find our footing when we don’t know the road. It’s hard to know where we’re going when all the landmarks have changed. But if we keep our sights set on the way forward, we can find our way. This is just an alternate route. We have enough courage to handle that, and we can figure it out. There isn’t only one way to live our lives. There are countless roads we can take. If we’re in a position of sudden change, it just means it’s time to choose another road. We just need to turn a little, and go forward a different way.

Today if you’re facing a big change, an unexpected roadblock, try not to be overwhelmed. It’s just a change in direction. You can change directions. You’ve probably done it before, and although it will feel uncomfortable for a while, you will find your way. You have everything you need to figure this out. You will navigate it step by step. Big changes are unsettling, but you can handle them. You are strong, and you are capable. Take a deep breath. Choose something new. Be fearless. The destination is still ahead. This is just a turn in the road.

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Burn Me Once

12 Jun

There is a saying, “Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.” The meaning is pretty obvious – when someone hurts us the first time, it’s on them. But if we let them hurt us a second time, it’s on us. That’s true sometimes, but not always. It’s generally more complex than this. As people, we aren’t really that predictable, and there are always complications. We can be in situations where we get hurt, but because of the relationship dynamic, we allow the person who hurt us to remain close enough to hurt us again. Sometimes it’s because they are related to us, and cutting them off isn’t really a viable option. Sometimes it’s because we love them, and have faith in them. Sometimes it’s because we have a relationship with them that’s important to our lives. And sometimes, it’s because we’re afraid to let them go.

People make mistakes all the time. I make them, and you make them. We aren’t perfect, and we falter. It’s the normal course of things as we learn. We run into problems when we make the same mistakes over and over, or we allow others to hurt us the same way again and again. Relationships aren’t always easy, and the decisions we make in them are not always black or white. Sometimes it’s unclear how we should proceed. Sometimes we aren’t sure. We don’t want to be hurt again, but we don’t know how to go forward. And sometimes it’s easier to pretend that everything is okay even when we’re not happy. The problem with pretending is that it isn’t reality, and eventually that catches up with us. When that happens, we have to face the true situation head on.

We deserve the very best from ourselves, and from those around us. We won’t always give it, or get it, but we can try to do our part. If we offend someone we care about, we need to recognize what we’ve done, and make it right. And the same is true for those around us. However, sometimes those who have offended us are not aware of our feelings. When that happens, it’s up to us to tell them what’s going on. We can do it calmly, and politely. We will get the point across more effectively if we are not angry when we have the discussion. Then if the offense happens again, if we are hurt again, we can decide if we want to continue the relationship. It’s not easy to change relationships, but it isn’t impossible. We are the ones in control of our lives. If we are getting hurt, and we do nothing, we will be unhappy. We deserve to be happy. We deserve the very best.

Today if you’re being hurt, speak up. Explain how you feel, and do your part to improve the relationship. If nothing changes, and you continue to be hurt, remember that you are valuable. You deserve to be happy. Make the best choice possible to ensure that you will be. Happiness is a gift we give to ourselves. Give it to yourself today. You deserve it.

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Not Happening

24 May

There are times in everyone’s life when we want something very much. If it’s something we feel would be good for us, something that would make us happy, something that would make our lives better, we hope for it. We yearn for it, think about it, wait for it, and pray for it. But sometimes the thing we really want doesn’t come. No matter what we do, it’s just not in the cards for us. We try changing the plan, and that doesn’t work. We try changing our focus, and that doesn’t work. No matter what we do, we can’t get to where we want to be.

It’s very hard to accept not being able to have something we want very much. If it’s something we believed we would achieve, it’s very hard to let it go. But this life is full of twists and turns, and sometimes the road doesn’t take us where we thought we were headed. Sometimes the destination isn’t what we planned on.

How can we accept no for an answer? How can we let go of something we want so badly? How do we handle the disappointment? If we’ve done all we could do, and still the plan didn’t work, what do we do now? How do we go forward?

If you hold a baseball in your hand, all five fingers encircling it, you have it securely. You won’t drop it. If you lift one finger, you can still hold it. The same is true if you lift two fingers, even three – you can still hold onto the ball with the remaining two. But once you lift the fourth finger, the ball will teeter and fall. Having a dream we really want is like holding onto the baseball. When we’re trying to adjust to a big change, a big disappointment, it’s like letting the ball fall. It’s not easy to just let the hope go, we’ve held it for too long. But if we lift one finger at a time, just ease into the release, we can let go of the yearning, and the disappointment. One step at at time, we can go on.

We all have things we want in our lives – good things, things we feel we deserve, things that would be beneficial for us. But sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes what we think is best for us isn’t where life takes us. It’s hard to let go of the desire for something we’ve wanted so badly. We have to accept the disappointment gradually – let the dream go, one finger at a time.

Today if you realize that something you’ve wanted for so long isn’t going to happen, if you are stung with the understanding that it’s just not going to work, it’s okay. It just means the path is a little different than you thought it would be. Good things will still come to you – they’ll just be a a little different than you thought they would be. Life is all about adapting, accepting change, and learning to adjust. Start again. This is just a step. The road is long. There will be more dreams, and many of them will come true.

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Tipping Point

20 May

We go through a lot of experiences in life. We interact with lots of different people, do lots of different things, and process continual changes. We get used to our routines, and we cope with problems as they come up as best we can. Sometimes though, we get into situations that are increasingly difficult, and although we may cope with them for a while, over time they may become unmanageable. Since these situations almost always involve another person, we may dread addressing the problem, so we put it off. We deal. We cope. But eventually we reach the tipping point – the place where things have to change. We can’t do what we’ve been doing any more.

Sometimes that point of no return triggers intense outbursts as we finally say all the things we’ve been holding in. Other times, it triggers isolation. We hide out hoping the situation will just change on its own. That never works, but when what we have to face is painful, we might try it anyway. In the end, we have to look at the problem, and chart a different course, painful or not. There is no other way. When we’ve reached the end of what we can handle, things must change.

These experiences are difficult. If we must end a relationship, someone is going to get hurt. Even if we must only make changes in a relationship, someone may get hurt. The hurt isn’t intentional. It’s just the way it is sometimes when change is necessary. If we’ve waited too long, and get angry, we may say more than we intend to, so it’s best to start the conversation before it goes that far. If we can resolve the issue without anger, the process will be easier.

When we reach these times in our lives, we must be honest, tell the whole story, and put all our cards on the table. We need to say everything respectfully, and clear the air. And then we need to make the best decision for going forward. This process is never easy, but once we’ve said it all, once we’ve told the whole story, once we’ve been completely honest, we will be able to start again. We will be able to relax, regain our footing, and face a different future.

Change is always difficult. Endings are rarely easy. But remember each ending is also the beginning of something new. Once we’ve faced a difficult issue and resolved it, we can start over with confidence. The tension will be gone, and although we may be shaky at first, soon we’ll settle in, and be strong again.

Today if you find yourself at a tipping point, and absolutely must change something, don’t look away. Face it. You can manage this. Keep your head up, keep a smile in your heart even when it hurts, and know that you are in charge of your life. Be brave. You deserve everything you need. Go get it.

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