Backing Up

27 Jun

Within our wide circle of acquaintances, friends, family, significant others, co-workers, and others we meet all kinds of people, and personalities. Some are easier for us to relate to than others, but each brings different types of behaviors to interact with. Sometimes we have interactions with people who struggle with various issues. Perhaps they have an anger problem, maybe they are shy, there may be substance abuse issues, or aggressive tendencies. Whatever we run into, when we are with them, we find ways to navigate whatever they’re going through. Because we care for one another, if someone has a particular problem that complicates things, we might feel we can help. It seems like the right thing to do to try to help.

Helping others is always noble. It’s generally a good decision, but some problems cannot be helped by others. We may find ourselves constantly working with someone over an issue, giving advice, trying hard to show them ways to work things out, but nothing changes. When they complain about the situation, we may offer suggestions, or try directing them to sources that may help. Because of our concern, over time we may find that we feel some ownership for their problem. We may get too involved in it, and try again, and again to make them see what we think will work.

True change never happens because someone tells us we need to change. It only happens when we decide we want to change. Nobody can do it for us, and the best advice in the world will go unheeded if we are not ready to receive it. When we are trying to help someone else, we must remember that. We cannot change anyone but ourselves. Despite our best intentions, we cannot make anyone see the light, and turn their lives. Even if the answer is plainly obvious to us, we cannot make anyone else see it. It has to come from them. The best thing we can do is to let them do it their way. If they come to us for advice, we may offer it, and then we need to let it go. Since it’s not our issue, we can’t solve it. We can be supportive, we can be caring and kind, but we cannot make anyone change anything in their lives. When they are ready, they will do it themselves.

Today if there is someone close to you that you’ve been trying so hard to help with an issue, remember all you can do is offer your support, your best advice, and your care. The problem is theirs to solve. You cannot fix it for them. They must work things out themselves. Be there for them. Be a true friend. When they reach for you, offer your hand, but let them make their own choices. You are valiant, and kind, to want to help. Continue to be there, but remember the problem is theirs to solve. They know you’re there. And being there for them is the best you can do.

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Being a Magician

26 Jun

I recently heard a very distinguished, and professional man speak at a college graduation ceremony. He talked about his life, his accomplishments, and his motivations. He is very successful, and had a lot of stories about his failures, and how he overcame them to get where he is today. And he talked about his father. His father had been an architect – something he didn’t really choose for himself, but something his family wanted him to do. He was a good architect, and devoted to his work, but his entire life he always wanted to be a magician. He would perform magic tricks at every party he was invited to, or hosted. He told his son he was happiest when he was performing magic. The speaker talked about that, and how his father’s eyes would light up whenever he had the chance to perform even the smallest of tricks. Then he encouraged everyone in the audience to do what brought them joy instead of what was expected. “Become magicians!” he said.

As children, we all had dreams of what we would become when we grew up. We dreamed of being race car drivers, dare devils, astronauts, dancers, singers, movie stars, etc. But as we got older, and began to plan our lives, the parameters of those choices came into focus, and perhaps we chose something more settled, or more secure. Being settled, and secure are important, but if we are still dreaming of doing something else, we won’t find happiness. Being happy is something we have to give ourselves. Life won’t bring it to us. It’s our responsibility, so we should do the things that make us happy. Sometimes that means doing something different than we are doing now.

We can try to do anything we dream about. Anything we want to do is possible. The only person stopping us from changing our lives from doing what is expected, into lives we really want to live, is us. We deserve to live the lives we most want for ourselves. Are we doing what we want to do most? Are we happy doing the things we’re doing? If not, and we want to be magicians, we can be magicians. We can change course if we really want to. This life is a precious gift. Every day is precious. If we aren’t happy, we can change things. We can live a life that makes us happy.

Today if you’re feeling unhappy with the choices you’ve made, it’s not too late. You can change your course. You can change anything you like. It may take time, and planning, and you may have to rearrange things, but you can special order a better life for yourself. You can be happy. Once today is gone it will never come back. Make sure you spend it living it the way that makes you happiest. You deserve the very best. Make a plan to get it.

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Blast From the Past

25 Jun

As we go through life, sometimes there are personal things we want to change about ourselves. Often it’s a manifestation of our personality that we want to refine, or change. We may want to eliminate procrastination, complaining, over spending, laziness, or something else that’s bothering us. It takes time to change facets of our personality, but when we’re devoted, it is certainly possible. Once we feel we’ve mastered the change, and are happy with our growth, something may happen that throws us back in time – back to the way we were before all our hard work. It could be a visit from someone we haven’t seen in a while who triggers an old response. Or perhaps a stressful situation that makes us drop our guard. Whatever it is, when it happens, and we revert back to old patterns we don’t want, it’s very disappointing.

Relapsing back into a behavior we thought we had overcome doesn’t mean all the work we’ve done to overcome it is wasted. It just means we’ve stepped back into a roll we no longer desire in our lives. We aren’t moving back in, and we aren’t setting up shop. We’ve just taken a step back. When we realize what we’re doing, we can stop and take inventory, look at where we are, and where we want to be, and we can redirect our course. We can take control, and move forward again.

Nobody is perfect. We can’t be perfect in this life. But we can do things that are important to us so we can be happy. Changes aren’t easy to accomplish, but we can make them happen, and if we relapse, we can recapture them. Life throws us curve balls. We get surprised, and sometimes we get hurt. Those things can make us lose our stand for a moment, but that need not be permanent. We are in charge of our behaviors, and if we slip back into something we don’t want, we can slip right back out again. Change isn’t a destination. It’s a process. It’s ongoing, and continual. If we have a setback, we can still move forward.

Today if you feel you’ve lost your way, and returned to a behavior you don’t want, it’s okay. Just start again. Look up, and change your direction. You are capable of change, and you will prevail. Make the adjustments you need to turn around again. Forgive yourself, and let it go. In the big picture, you’ve already come a long way. Keep walking ahead. Pretty soon you will regain your footing, and you’ll be back on track.

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Split Second

24 Jun

Some years ago during the summer, I was in Alaska, and had gone on a fishing charter in Cook Inlet. Although it was summer, it was cold, and I was dressed in jeans, sweatshirt, coat, and boots. As we were securing the boat to the pier at the end of the trip, it drifted outward, and I reached over the water to grab the line to pull it back. Unfortunately, I lost my balance, and fell into the harbor. The water there in the summer is very cold, and being dressed as I was, I sank like a stone. I immediately began trying to swim, but with everything I was wearing, it was very difficult. As I continued to fall downward I looked up at the surface of the water, and realized that because of how I was dressed, and the temperature of the water, I might lose my life. I remember feeling great regret that I had reached out so far, and risked so much. It was a foolish decision given the weather, and the situation. Thankfully, I was able to get back to the surface, and someone pulled me out. I was severely chilled, and had to get my wet clothes off as soon as possible to prevent hypothermia. It took lots of dry, warm clothes, several cups of hot chocolate, and the rest of the day before the shivering stopped. I was lucky things worked out, but I have never forgotten the lesson. One small decision, and in a split second, everything changed.

Our lives are tentative, and this life is unpredictable. There are no guarantees. We tend to forget this from time to time. We take for granted that we will survive today, and see tomorrow, but nothing is sure. Of course, we can’t worry about all the things that could go wrong or we’d never be able to live normally, so we go through our days counting on them being safe, and successful. But sometimes, things turn, and in an instant, everything changes. We can’t predict anything. What comes, comes. We go through our lives, we have our routines, and activities, and then the unexpected happens. Things get turned upside down, and for a while we lose our footing.

Sometimes unforeseen things happen because of decisions we make, like mine when I fell into the ice cold harbor. Sometimes they happen because of decisions out of our control. Much of what we experience in this life is out of our control, and when things come that topple us, wake us up, and make us realize again that nothing is guaranteed, it can shake us deeply. Our task then is to be as ready as we can, and do our best when things go awry.

Today if you’ve been rattled by something that has unsettled your life, something that has suddenly shaken you, you may be upset but you will get through it. If it’s extraordinarily difficult, reach out for help. Get the support you need to navigate the situation so you can feel as comfortable as possible. Get into your dry clothes, and stay warm. This will last for just a moment, and then things will settle again. You are resilient enough to weather this. Being upside down is uncomfortable, there is no doubt about that. But while you’re struggling to right yourself, you will find the strength you need. You are strong enough for this. You are strong enough for anything.

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The Trust Conundrum

23 Jun

One of the most painful things we can experience is betrayal. A friend turns against us, a co-worker steals our idea, a lover cheats, a family member lies to us, and the list goes on. There are unlimited ways to be betrayed, and each one is extraordinarily painful. It knocks the wind out of us. Our first response is often disbelief. We can’t believe someone we trusted could do this to us. But we can’t control what others do, and sometimes because of their choices, we may face this very difficult experience. It’s horrible whenever it happens, and it certainly changes the dynamic of the relationship involved.

Being betrayed by someone we’ve trusted can feel devastating. We may second guess ourselves. We may ask, “How could we have trusted them?” or, “How did we not see this coming?” A thousand doubts may fill our minds. But we need to remember that betrayal belongs to those who betray – not to those who trust. It is noble to trust others. It builds relationships, and bridges to those around us when we allow ourselves to trust them. If that trust is broken, it will hurt us, but we are not wrong because we trusted them. The one who betrays us is wrong for breaking that trust.

When this happens to us, we may decide not to trust anybody. Nobody. We may decide not to believe what other people say, and not to rely on anyone. We may become suspicious of everyone, and everything. But trust is the basis for friendship, and every other relationship we have. It’s counter productive to decide to never trust others. If we want interpersonal relationships with anyone, we need to trust them. We need to believe them, and that means we have to be willing to take the risk that they will betray us. Without relationships we miss an important part of being human. So we need to trust, despite the possibility that we will be hurt. Not everyone will betray us, and it’s generally worth the risk. We need to be brave enough to do it.

Today if you feel betrayed by someone you’ve trusted, it will hurt, but try to remember that your trust did not cause this. Sometimes those we’ve entrusted make decisions that hurt us. It’s not a reflection on you. If you’re suffering through a betrayal, remember that. This won’t last forever. You were noble to trust them, and you will move forward. Keep your standards, and do your best. You know more about the person who hurt you now. You’ll be more careful with them going forward. Keep going forward. Walk right on through this. You’ll be wiser because of this, and wisdom is a wonderful attribute.

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