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You Pick

23 Jan

We interact with all kinds of people every day. Sometimes we say hello in passing, sometimes we have long conversations and work together, and sometimes we have disagreements. If a discussion becomes intense, the disagreement may escalate. When things become contentious and tempers rise, we may become very uncomfortable. But we always have a choice to continue the conversation and let it play out no matter what, or stop and return to it again another time. Unfortunately, when we’re in the heat of the situation, especially if offensive things are being said, we may get so caught up that we forget to think about anything but pushing forward. Being in control of ourselves is easy when things are going well but when we’re in conflict it’s harder and more difficult to manage. However, no matter what is said or done, we always have the opportunity to choose how we will proceed. We can step back until things settle down, or we can go storming ahead and give it all we’ve got. We get to pick. Of course, the other party gets to pick too. But if they’re pressing the argument and we don’t want to continue, we can step away.

As human beings, we have all kinds of instinctive survival mechanisms. The fight or flight reflex is part of that. If we feel we’re being attacked, it prompts us to either fight back or leave the situation. Which way we go depends on how we’re wired and how much self-control we can exercise at the time. For some of us the first response to threat is to fight. For others the first thought is to run – or leave the situation. We’re all geared a little differently but no matter what we instinctively feel, we have the option to control our response by thinking about it first. If we’re fighters, that means we have to stop before we escalate the situation further and think of a better plan. If we’re runners, we have to be brave enough to face the situation and determine how to navigate it more effectively. Either way, the choice is ours. The excuse some offer when things go wrong of, “That’s just how I am,” is unhelpful. Conflict comes to us all. How we manage it is up to us.

Sometimes even if we try to modify a volatile situation, or try to diffuse the tension, the other party will not back down. That is their choice and if that happens and nothing we say or do improves the situation, if things continue to escalate and we don’t feel secure, we can walk away. We don’t have to stay engaged in any interaction that makes us feel distressed or threatened. We are entitled to do what is best for us. Even if the other party has some sort of authority over us, we may calmly state that we are not comfortable and need to leave. Sometimes just stating our discomfort will diffuse the situation and things will improve. Sometimes not. Every situation is different but we have the right to feel calm and safe in all our dealings. We are valuable and important. We can pick what we’ll do and what we’ll take. We can choose to stay and continue an exchange or we can leave. Leaving doesn’t mean we’re conceding or giving up. It means we are choosing to control how we will go forward.

Today if you’re involved in a discussion that makes you uncomfortable, decide how you want to handle it. You can try to work through it or you can leave and return to it another time. You can be polite and respectful and get what you need to go forward. Your feelings are valuable and should be honored. You can be in control of yourself. Be confident and choose what is best for you.

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Saying No

20 Jan

There are times when we are asked to do things we can’t accomplish or don’t feel comfortable with. Perhaps we don’t have the time to do what is being asked, or the request is something we don’t want to be involved in. And sometimes, what we’re being asked to do is something we simply can’t do because we don’t have the skills needed to accomplish it. When someone we love asks us for something and we feel we can’t comply, it may be difficult to say no. We want to help and we want to be supportive. But if we can’t do it, it’s worse to say we will and then disappoint others because we failed than it is to simply say no at the beginning. Saying no is more difficult for some of us than it is for others. We might feel that being cooperative is imperative in our relationships and saying no will damage them. But if the relationship is healthy and there is mutual respect, declining a request will not hurt. We can feel empowered to make the best choices for ourselves, even if they aren’t the choices others would have us make. We know what’s best for us and we are entitled to have it.

When we decline a request, in their disappointment others may employ guilt to try and make us change our minds. Guilt is very powerful and if we aren’t careful, it can undermine our decisions. But guilt is a self inflicted emotion. Nobody can make us feel it. People can say things to try and inflict it upon us, and do things to encourage us to change our minds. But if we’ve made a decision that’s best for us, we need not allow guilt to enter in. There is no reason to feel guilty for making a good choice. Good choices are the best we can do, and feeling guilty for making them isn’t necessary. If we remember that and focus on going forward truthfully and with a genuine spirit, we’ll make the best decisions possible.

Sometimes we may be asked to do things that make us very uncomfortable. For instance, being asked to lie for someone else, or manipulate situations to help another get the upper hand, or cheat to help a friend – all may make us uneasy. If we go along and compromise our values to please someone else, we may hurt ourselves in the long run. Happiness comes from being true to who we are no matter what situation we’re in. However, if the person asking intently pleads with us, it may be difficult to make the best choice. At times like those, it’s helpful to step back and see the situation objectively. We already know what the best answer is, and stepping back just a little will help us find the wisdom and courage to make it. We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do. It doesn’t matter who is asking us or what the parameters of the situation are. If we aren’t comfortable we can say no and move on. We can always make the best choices going forward.

Today if you’re being pressured to do something you don’t feel good about, you can say no. You are entitled to make your own decisions. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do, you can do what is best for you. You know what you need to do and you know the right road going forward. Choose that and you’ll always be headed in the right direction.

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I Wish

13 Jan

We have so many decisions to make in our lives.  They come at us from all directions at all times and in all ways.  There are the simple ones we make without even thinking about them and then there are the ones that leave us tremulous and worried.  We all want to make good decisions, and mostly we do, but sometimes because we don’t have all the information, or someone has deceived us, or things change unexpectedly, the decisions we make end up badly.  When that happens we may have regrets and wish things had gone differently.  Unfortunately it’s impossible to know everything or what’s coming.  We have to choose from where we are and see things as they seem at that moment.  When we look back and regret a choice we made and wish things had gone differently, we must remember that we may not have known then what we know now.  It’s hard when things go south and we get hurt because of a choice we’ve made, but nothing is certain in this life and sometimes we don’t have all the facts available to us.  No matter what’s happened, we can only go forward from where we are.  Learning from the past will help us choose more wisely the next time, but the decisions that have been made will remain forever.

We all have some regrets.  It’s impossible to live our lives perfectly and make the absolute correct decision every single time.  Sometimes things will go wrong.  And sometimes it’ll be because of something we chose.  Nobody makes decisions that bring them pain and heartache on purpose.  We do the best we can where we are.  If we take the time to see the whole picture, and ponder the ramifications of our decisions we have a better chance of things going well.  When they go well, we often don’t even think twice and just proceed on with our lives.  But when there’s a sudden stop, when something we’ve decided causes problems, our attention is clearly focused on the situation.  We may question our decision, we may regret our choice, and we may obsess over what we think we should have done, but nothing can change what’s happened.  The best we can do is move forward and amend the situation the best we can.

If our decisions are highly influenced by those around us, we may be heavily impacted.  We may doubt our ability to make good decisions without their input and if we get bad advice, we may choose a path that doesn’t work.  But we don’t need to rely on others to make good choices.  We have everything we need inside ourselves to choose well.  We can look at any situation objectively, weigh our options and if we want advice we can ask for it, but in the end we can make the best decision ourselves.  Wishing and hoping for things to go well will not ensure a good outcome.  Only by taking the time we need to evaluate the situation and see all the possible outcomes can we make the best choices possible.  Then if things go wrong we will be confident that we did the best we could.  And that confidence will carry us through until the situation improves.

Today if you’re concerned about a decision you’ve made, if you have some regret over the choice involved, remember you made the decision with all the facts you had at the time.  If things don’t go as planned, you can adjust your focus and alter your plans going forward.  Setbacks teach us how to go forward.  Be confident.  You are capable of making excellent decisions and you can choose wisely.

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Circles

12 Jan

As we live our lives we have three choices when we think about our progress. We can move forward, we can stay where we are, or we can go backward. Sometimes we’re happy where we are and comfortable, and we don’t need or want the challenge of change. Sometimes we have to go backward to accomplish something that needs to be addressed. But generally we want to move forward in our lives. We have goals we want to achieve and plans for our future. Sometimes we get caught up in a situation that stalls our progress. We can get stuck and end up going around in circles unable to move forward. Sometimes it’s because of a relationship that isn’t working, or a job situation that has us frozen in time, and sometimes it’s because we really aren’t sure how to go forward so we keep repeating the same pattern over and over. Going around in circles is frustrating. Even when we recognize that’s what’s happening we may not know how to stop the process. A circle is just a continually repeating pattern. All we have to do to break the cycle is step a little to the right or the left to change direction. It sounds easy but patterns have a way of taking control, and unless we are determined to make a change, we may find ourselves stuck for a while.

Healthy relationships are active. They are constantly changing and if we’re paying attention to them, can be continually improving. But sometimes relationships can become stagnant, and don’t change, and we may get stuck. If it’s a relationship that’s important to us we may stay in the situation longer than we’re comfortable. However, if we want things to change, we have to speak up and express our concerns. We can ask for what we need to make the relationship move forward and if the other person is in agreement, things may improve. But if we can’t do anything to change the situation we must decide how we want to proceed. For some people, staying on the same course is fine, even if they’re stuck, so long as they have the other person in their lives. For others, if they’re unhappy and things don’t change, it may be necessary to leave the relationship behind. We’re all different and only we can determine what’s best for us.

If we have plans for our future and goals we’re working toward but find that we aren’t getting any closer to them doing what we’ve been doing, we can change. If the road we’ve been on isn’t taking us where we want to go, we can change direction. We can achieve almost anything we want to if we want it badly enough. If we aren’t moving closer to our goal then we’re either moving further away from it, or we’re standing still. Once we determine where we’re headed and what we want, we can adjust our plans and change our course whenever we need to. All the roads are open to us. All the avenues to get there are available. We can pay attention to what we’re doing and modify our plans for success. If one path doesn’t work, we can simply try another. If we stay true to the objective and keep our eyes on the prize, we’ll get there. We don’t have to go around in circles, and we don’t have to be stuck any longer than we want. We have all the power we need to move forward.

Today if you feel like you’ve been treading water and going in circles and you’re no closer to a goal you want to achieve, switch things up. Try something new. Let go of the things that are holding you back and modify your plans so you can move forward. You can do anything. See the destination in front of you and steer yourself toward it. You’ll be successful and everything you are hoping for will come to you.

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Influence and Impression

30 Dec

There is a constant myth that Napoleon Bonaparte had a chip on his shoulder because he was very short, and today people sometimes refer to shorter men who are disagreeable as having a “Napoleon Complex.” However, historians say Napoleon was actually taller than the average male for his time and seemed short because he was surrounded by body guards who were much taller. If they are right, his short stature was just an interpretation of how he compared to those around him, and not a true reflection of who he was. When we think about that, it changes the entire picture. If he wasn’t short and didn’t have a complex about his height, the reputation associated with him is unwarranted. We, too, may be considered to be something we really aren’t simply because of where we are or with whom we are associating. It may be assumed that we have specific qualities because they are the attributes of those around us. We can seem to be very different than we really are because of situations we place ourselves in. They say perception is reality, and that’s often true. If we think something is happening a certain way, we believe it’s fact. But we can be wrong. And others can be wrong about us.

There is an old saying that “birds of a feather flock together.” That means we tend to spend time with others who are like us. We may feel more comfortable around others who share our perceptions and beliefs. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have friends and acquaintances we enjoy or with whom we spend time that are very different than we are. We all know all kinds of people, and sometimes our differences are very pronounced. If those differences are things that others find disagreeable or uncomfortable, they may be concerned that we share them. And like Napoleon, we may find we gain a reputation for being something we really aren’t. When that happens it can be complicated, especially if it impacts relationships close to us. Even though it’s just a perception and not reality, those we care about may confuse the two and we may find ourselves in a difficult state of affairs.

There is nothing wrong with having all sorts of friends around us. But if we notice their choices are damaging or hurtful in some way, we may want to re-evaluate our time with them. For instance, if we have a friend who deceives and struggles with the truth, our association with them may lead others to believe we share the same characteristics. Or if we have an acquaintance that has been in trouble for breaking the law, there may be some carryover of influence. This doesn’t mean we should only have people close to us who share our values and standards, however we should be aware of the influence of association. But there is a flip side to all of this. We have the power to influence as well. If we are strong in our beliefs and personal choices, if we set an example for a higher standard, we can be a positive force to those near us. And if we are, we may well impact them for good. And then our association with them will change, and others will see their growth and instead of worrying about us will be happy we were there for them.

Today if you’re concerned about an association or friendship you have because of differences in your personal choices, be the one who sets the example. Display behaviors that are positive and helpful. Others will be influenced by your good works and may be impressed to make a positive change in their lives. You can set a great example and be the light that leads the way.  We are all influenced by those around us. Today let your influence be excellent.

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