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That Flower Thing

28 Aug

In Greek mythology the story is told of Narcissus.  There are a few different versions, but the basic idea is that Narcissus’s mother was told he would live to an old age if he didn’t look upon himself.  Sadly, he fell in love with his own reflection, and died.  The Narcissus flower grew up on the spot where he died.  Narcissistic behavior gets its name from this story.  If basically refers to people who only see themselves, who only do things that benefit themselves, and believe they are the most important person.  If we have someone in our lives who carries these types of traits, it can be difficult to deal with them.  And because they only recognize their own needs, it’s hard to have a relationship with them.

To build healthy and beneficial relationships, we have to be willing to give and take.  We need to compromise, and carry half the responsibility of making things work.  If we have a relationship with someone who is only interested in serving themselves, it’s nearly impossible to move forward, and build anything that will last.  If we only see what’s in it for us, we will fail.  Relationships are complex, and if we want to make them strong and happy we have to do our part.  That means we have to be willing to give to the other person, and not just take what works for us.  Because the relationship is important, we have to accept that sometimes we will not get things our way.

Probably all of us have known narcissistic types of people.  They tend to be the ones who have to be first, who have to do things their way, who have to be comfortable, and who need a lot of attention.  It’s exhausting to be around them for long, and if we try to build a relationship with them the path is often filled with complications.  If we have these tendencies ourselves, we may expect too much from others.  We may be frustrated that others don’t see things exactly as we do.  But if we want to be successful in our relationships, and if we want to be happy we have to learn to give, and let go of our need for things to go exactly our way.  We have to be willing to concede from time to time.

Today if you’re dealing with someone who only sees themselves, try to be patient and explain what you need from them.  Set the example by extending yourself and including them.  If you are struggling with the need for things to go exactly your way, try to remember that others have great ideas, and working together is very rewarding.  We all have a lot to offer, and we all need to be heard.  Today offer your viewpoint and then listen to others.  Give and take.  That’s what it’s all about.

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Giving the Benefit

16 Aug

We base our conclusions on many things. If we’re wise, we will be careful to base them on fact. Unfortunately, there are times when we make conclusions based on a situation, an impression, or hearsay. Sometimes those conclusions are right, but sometimes we’re way off the mark. When we interact with others it’s best to use facts when trying to understand what is happening. If we jump to a conclusion based on something we think we see, something we think happened, or something someone else said, we may be completely wrong. If we have doubts, we can give the benefit of the doubt before we decide to judge. If we do that, and things change we can adjust our perception. However, if we’ve already tried and convicted before the facts are known, it’s much harder to clean up the mess we’ve left in our wake.

Giving the benefit of the doubt means to withhold judgment on anything until all the facts are known. We wait before we assume anything, and allow ourselves to believe that the other party is innocent unless the facts show otherwise. If we wait until the entire story is revealed, sometimes we find that our first impressions were incorrect. Giving the benefit of the doubt increases harmony, and helps to build trust. If those around us know we won’t jump, and convict them before they’ve had a chance to explain, they’ll trust us to be there and listen.

We might be in a situation where we’ve been hurt because someone determined we had erred, or failed, or in some way done something wrong before we had a chance to defend our decisions. When that happens, we feel frustrated and unfairly persecuted. Everyone deserves to tell their story. If it’s assumed that we’ve chosen the wrong path before we can even explain, we may feel beset and hopeless. We might decide there is no point in even trying because decisions about us have already been made. But we have the right to speak up, and we can state our case clearly, and without reservation. Our story is ours to tell, and even if conclusions have already been made about us, we have the right to tell it. We can stand up for ourselves and be strong.

Today if something goes awry and you’re sure someone has done something wrong, wait and give them the benefit of the doubt. Don’t conclude anything until you get all the facts. If someone else has made an assumption about you that isn’t right, be courageous, and state your case clearly. We all deserve the benefit of the doubt. Today, give it, and make sure you get it. Listen and go forward with confidence. Be fair in all your dealings, and there is a better chance that others will be fair with you.

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All or Nothing

28 Jul

Most of the things we do in our lives require flexibility. Generally there isn’t much that is written in stone, and we compromise a lot. Despite that, we can get stuck in an “all or nothing” mentality. We can get lost in trying to make things exactly like we want them before we commit, and move forward. There are some things that draw a hard line. For instance we may not allow someone to be hurt physically, we may require fidelity in our intimate relationships, or there may be some personal requirements we must have. But mostly, we need to compromise. Most things won’t be exactly the way we’d like them. There will be some give and take. A pattern of requiring perfection in our ideas, or needing things precisely the way we think they should be before we act can work against us.

Living with an “all or nothing” attitude can prevent us from participating, and keep us from fun and valuable experiences. If we decide to wait on every decision until things are lined up our way, the opportunity to participate may pass. Rarely will the timing for everything be perfect, the plans exactly as we want them, or the situation ideal in every way. If we wait for those things to happen before we move forward, we may find ourselves stuck.

This attitude affects our personal relationships, as well as our routine activities. No relationship is without disharmony from time to time. People disagree and agree, they argue and they get along, and there is tension occasionally. If we decide a relationship has to be completely perfect or we won’t have it, we will, in all probability, find ourselves alone. People don’t operate that way. Life doesn’t work that way. Perfection is, in most situations, unattainable.  It’s great to have a goal to be the best we can be, but the expectation of everything going without a curve or bump is unrealistic. And it’s self-defeating. Life is a wonderful gift. And the real perfection comes when we realize how wonderful it is – warts and all.

Today if you’ve been struggling with trying to make things absolutely perfect before you go forward, think about it from another perspective. If everything were perfect all the time there would be no reason to grow. We would have no reason to learn. Accept the bumps as they come along. Navigate them, and go right over them. You are capable of handling any complication that comes your way. No matter how things go, you’ll figure them out. Don’t wait for perfection. You don’t need it to move forward.

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Bending

17 Jul

Patience is a beneficial virtue to acquire. If we learn to be patient, we can often understand things more easily, and prevent conflict by listening, and waiting for answers instead of pushing. Being patient is a gift to those we interact with. When we’re patient, others learn they can trust us to listen, and not jump to conclusions ahead of time. Although this is a valuable skill, is it possible to be too patient? Can we give too much? Can we wait too long?

When we’re in a relationship we value, and things aren’t going the way we want them to, we may discuss the issue with the other person, tell them why we aren’t happy, and ask for a change. If they are not ready, they may need time. If we’re patient, we may offer that time in order to preserve the relationship. Sometimes with communication and effort, things improve, and the problems work themselves out. But other times, despite our willingness to wait, things stay the same. Patience will not create change. It only allows time for change to happen. If the situation doesn’t improve after a time, we have to decide if we can wait a little longer, or if we need to move on.

It is possible to bend too far in trying to make something work. If we find the wait is beginning to affect our happiness, we need to rethink the situation. We offer patience to help situations improve, but if nothing changes all the patience in the world will not help. If we bend too far, and give too much, we may find ourselves in a very uncomfortable place.

Today if you’ve been patiently waiting for a situation to change and it’s not happening, re-evaluate your options. Determine how long you feel comfortable waiting, and when you get there if nothing has improved, move on. Patience is a noble attribute, and it’s good to exercise it. But don’t bend so far that you’re miserable. Sometimes even the best changes don’t come. Sometimes we have to let it go, and move on. Today think about that. The situation may be important, but you’re important too. Be patient, and be kind, but remember your happiness is valuable. Do what you need to ensure it.

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Because I Can

10 Jul

We can do anything we want to in this life. We can make good decisions, and bad decisions. We can be wise, and we can be foolish. There is no limit to what we can do if we want to. Perhaps when someone has done something you didn’t understand you’ve asked them why, and their answer was, “Because I can.” Well, we ‘can’ do anything. But the big question really isn’t can we do it, but should we do it. Just because we can do something isn’t always enough reason to justify actually doing it.

Mistakes in judgment are part of the human experience. We all make them. Unfortunately we don’t have a personal manual to read every day to alert us when our judgment isn’t quite on target. We make decisions where we are, and we learn as we go. Even when we try to be wise, we may falter. But we will falter more often if we go plowing through things not thinking at all. If we just follow our noses around, and make decisions because we can, we may find ourselves in situations that aren’t exactly where we want to be.

Having the ability to do something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best choice for us. For instance, a Maserati is a very nice car, and we may find a dealer who will gladly sell us one even if we can’t afford it. We could buy it, and be the envy of our friends. But if we do, we may not have money for our essentials as we struggle to pay it off. But we could do it. However, if we can’t afford it, the purchase will likely bring us hardship. There are countless examples of things we could do just because we can. But that doesn’t guarantee the choice will bring us what we want.

It’s best to remember that even though we can do whatever we want, we need to take some time to evaluate the choices we are considering. There are two sides to every coin. It’s wise to look at them both before choosing the side we want. We need to ensure that our decisions are not just what we could do, but also what we should do so we can be successful going forward, and don’t create unnecessary stress.

Today before you jump on a decision just because you can, take a moment to reflect on whether or not it’s a move you should make going forward. You can do anything you want, but it’s wise to make sure your choices bring you happiness, and not hardship. Think about your decisions. Look at both sides of the coin, and then choose. You’ll be wiser if you do, and happier with the results. And happiness is the best thing you can give yourself today.

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