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The Straw

8 Mar

Most of us are pretty resilient. We can endure challenges as they come along and find our way through. We figure out how to go forward when things get hard, and we know what we want to do. Sometimes we get into situations where those around us make us feel uncomfortable. Maybe someone continually insults us or criticizes us, or someone close to us lets us down again and again. We can put up with those things for a time, but eventually we will get to a breaking point. We finally get to that straw, the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. We all have limits, and limits by their very definition have end points. We can endure something for a time, look the other way, and take it, but at some point we will have had enough. When that happens we have to change the situation. Sometimes because we’ve let bad feelings or resentment fester, when we get to the point of no return we may lash out and say things we regret later and make the situation worse. If we can be proactive and change things before that happens we’ll be more successful in changing things. We are all entitled to speak up and state what we don’t want. If we wait, endure in silence, and get pushed too far, we may find ourselves acting in ways that don’t reflect the standards we want to keep.

Some people are rude. Some people are mean, and some people don’t care if they hurt others. We all get to choose what kind of person we want to be and for some those choices are hurtful or demeaning. We’ve all known, or had to interact with, someone who was unkind or abrasive. Every situation is different and if our dealings with them are limited we may choose to endure it and say nothing. But if we must interact with them over a period of time and each time we’re uncomfortable, we can speak up. We don’t have to be rude or unkind. We can patiently and clearly say what is offensive to us and ask them to stop doing it. That may be uncomfortable at first, but often once we’ve stated our feelings, the other person will change their behavior when they are with us. Even if they don’t change, we will have more confidence going forward because we’ve expressed our needs and know they are aware of the situation.

If we wait until the last straw when we can’t stand one more moment of the situation, we may give up our ability to control how we handle it. It’s harder to control our behavior when we’re furious or angry than it is when we’re calm and in control. If we say something the first time we’re offended, we have a better chance of being in control of the situation instead of allowing it to be in control of us. We are entitled to feel comfortable in our dealings with others and we deserve to be treated with respect. If that’s not happening we can politely express our dissatisfaction the first time we feel it. If we clearly state our boundaries and say how we feel we may turn a turbulent relationship around. If we say nothing, our only option is to suffer in silence, which gets us nowhere.

Today if you’ve been insulted or hurt by something someone did or said, talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Just speaking up will empower you. You deserve only the best of everything. When you speak up you have the best chance of getting that. You have so much to offer. Ask for the respect you deserve. You’ll feel better and your confidence will rise.

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Still Waters

26 Feb

Sometimes when we’re interacting with others things don’t go as well as we hope. There may be friction and disharmony, and sometimes we don’t know why it happens. Perhaps someone gets angry over a suggestion we make, or is offended by something we’ve said, and we have no idea why they reacted the way they did and they won’t say. It can be confusing and when we’re trying to get along or get something done, it can stop us in our tracks. If we know why the problem occurred we can try to address it, but if we have no idea what went wrong, we may be lost. People are complicated and we can only see their external appearance.  We don’t know what’s going on inside them.  Many of us are private and don’t express everything we’re going through to others, and prefer to keep our challenges or struggles to ourselves. If we encounter conflict and don’t know what happened, it may be that someone is struggling with an issue of which we are unaware. They say still waters run deep, which means that although things may look calm on the outside, there may be a lot going on under the surface. When we’re dealing with others it’s important to remember we never know the whole story.

If we have someone in our lives who is moody, or unpredictable, we may try to avoid them until we must talk to them because it’s uncomfortable to deal with them. If they talk to us we might try to keep things light and superficial. We don’t know why they are the way they are, and that should be a clue for us. Perhaps it would be wiser instead of ignoring them, to seek them out just to say hello and let them know we’re thinking of them. If they are struggling privately, a few words of support and encouragement, or a kind word that shows we care can mean a lot. If we take a moment to remind them we are there and value our relationship with them, it can lift them in ways we can’t imagine. They may not tell us what they’re going through, but knowing we’re there may help them get through it more easily.

If we are struggling with a private sorrow, or a difficult challenge, and don’t want to share it with those around us, we may keep it to ourselves. But the stress of holding onto something painful may intensify our interactions because we are distracted and worried. We don’t have to share anything we don’t want to, but when we don’t share we have to carry the burden all by ourselves. Sharing the load always makes it lighter, and if we can open up to someone we trust and let them help us we’ll feel better.  And talking about it may help us find solutions that have eluded us. We can be private but if we let someone in, and listen to their advice and counsel, we may more easily find our way. Sharing our troubles often takes us a long way down the road to resolution. We may find the answers more quickly and if we do, it’s worth the effort every time.

Today if you’re struggling with a private matter think about seeking advice from someone you trust. If you share your dilemma with them things may go more easily.  If someone near you is edgy, offer a word of encouragement and let them know you care.  We’re all looking for answers of some sort.  Reach out and offer a little comfort, and let others comfort you.  They’ll feel better, and you will too.

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You Pick

23 Jan

We interact with all kinds of people every day. Sometimes we say hello in passing, sometimes we have long conversations and work together, and sometimes we have disagreements. If a discussion becomes intense, the disagreement may escalate. When things become contentious and tempers rise, we may become very uncomfortable. But we always have a choice to continue the conversation and let it play out no matter what, or stop and return to it again another time. Unfortunately, when we’re in the heat of the situation, especially if offensive things are being said, we may get so caught up that we forget to think about anything but pushing forward. Being in control of ourselves is easy when things are going well but when we’re in conflict it’s harder and more difficult to manage. However, no matter what is said or done, we always have the opportunity to choose how we will proceed. We can step back until things settle down, or we can go storming ahead and give it all we’ve got. We get to pick. Of course, the other party gets to pick too. But if they’re pressing the argument and we don’t want to continue, we can step away.

As human beings, we have all kinds of instinctive survival mechanisms. The fight or flight reflex is part of that. If we feel we’re being attacked, it prompts us to either fight back or leave the situation. Which way we go depends on how we’re wired and how much self-control we can exercise at the time. For some of us the first response to threat is to fight. For others the first thought is to run – or leave the situation. We’re all geared a little differently but no matter what we instinctively feel, we have the option to control our response by thinking about it first. If we’re fighters, that means we have to stop before we escalate the situation further and think of a better plan. If we’re runners, we have to be brave enough to face the situation and determine how to navigate it more effectively. Either way, the choice is ours. The excuse some offer when things go wrong of, “That’s just how I am,” is unhelpful. Conflict comes to us all. How we manage it is up to us.

Sometimes even if we try to modify a volatile situation, or try to diffuse the tension, the other party will not back down. That is their choice and if that happens and nothing we say or do improves the situation, if things continue to escalate and we don’t feel secure, we can walk away. We don’t have to stay engaged in any interaction that makes us feel distressed or threatened. We are entitled to do what is best for us. Even if the other party has some sort of authority over us, we may calmly state that we are not comfortable and need to leave. Sometimes just stating our discomfort will diffuse the situation and things will improve. Sometimes not. Every situation is different but we have the right to feel calm and safe in all our dealings. We are valuable and important. We can pick what we’ll do and what we’ll take. We can choose to stay and continue an exchange or we can leave. Leaving doesn’t mean we’re conceding or giving up. It means we are choosing to control how we will go forward.

Today if you’re involved in a discussion that makes you uncomfortable, decide how you want to handle it. You can try to work through it or you can leave and return to it another time. You can be polite and respectful and get what you need to go forward. Your feelings are valuable and should be honored. You can be in control of yourself. Be confident and choose what is best for you.

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Bring It

16 Dec

There are times when we may find ourselves at odds with someone else. They may have ideas about what we should be doing that conflict with our decisions, or want us to agree to something we don’t feel we can. Sometimes they may even try to force our hands by blocking us or in some way try to fence us in. It’s very uncomfortable and difficult to remain in control when these situations arise. We may feel angry or we may want to run the other way to escape the tension. But if we take some time to process what’s happening and see it more objectively, often we find that all we’re facing is a difference of opinion. We are disagreeing. It may be a heated exchange and our boundaries may be sorely invaded. We might feel threatened or in some other way intensely uncomfortable. Whatever the situation, we can manage it if we back away from the emotion and try to see it for what it is. That isn’t easy when we feel personally attacked, but it’s not impossible. If we step outside ourselves for a moment and just look at the facts, the situation will become more manageable and we’ll be able to find a way through.

We are capable of figuring out any problem we face if we take the time to look at it objectively and openly. When our feelings are involved we may be overcome with emotion and unable to think. We’re focused on our extreme disappointment or anger or sadness or whatever we’re struggling with. But we can set that aside for a moment. Setting the emotion aside does not diminish it and we can more fully understand the facts of the situation and more clearly see an answer. After we’ve been through a difficult time and are on the other side, after the dust has cleared and we’ve settled down, because we are no longer so intensely involved we often see how we could have managed better. Emotions are necessary and they are important, but sometimes if we want to find our way, we need to step away from them for a time. We can do that and when we do, we may find what we’re looking for.

We are in control of ourselves. No matter who influences us or how pervasive that influence is, what we decide to do is our decision. We can allow ourselves to get angry when someone offends us or we can find a way to process the problem more effectively. Getting angry is a reaction. Thinking about the situation first is a choice. If we choose to think instead of react oftentimes we will prevent the situation from escalating and gain control. Being in control of any situation allows us to make better decisions. And making better decisions is always desirable.  If we choose to be in control, it doesn’t matter what comes to us – we will prevail.  Life can “bring it,” whatever that may be, and we can find success going forward.

Today if you find yourself in a situation that fires up your emotions, if you are angry or hurt, upset or disappointed, take a moment to step back from your feelings and see the situation objectively. Address the problem as it is, and choose what is right calmly and objectively. You will diffuse the issue and you’ll be in control. You have everything you need to prevail. You are wise and capable. Today show that to everyone involved.

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Not Joining In

30 Nov

Although we try to associate with friends who respect us, and people we can trust, there are unfortunately times when we may find ourselves in the company of those who are neither respectful nor trustworthy. Perhaps they lie, manipulate, cheat, or do other things to hurt us and make us doubt our worth. It’s not easy to have interactions like those and if we do, we may be intensely angry or feel emotionally destroyed. We may struggle with unbelief, especially if we thought we were valued. But if those that hurt us don’t really care, when we learn the truth, we can be devastated and lost. “How could we be so blind?” we may ask. We wonder how we could have missed the signs that must have been there. Sadly, people who don’t really care may be so adept at hiding their true nature, it may have been impossible to know the truth until it was too late. But no matter how long it takes, eventually the truth comes out. And when it does we may feel like fools, and have no idea what to do next.

There is an old saying, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” If we believe this, we might feel justified in taking revenge, and finding a way to hurt those who’ve hurt us as badly as we can. We may feel it’s fair to make them miserable and do everything possible to destroy them. It’s certainly one way to cope with the pain, but joining them in their hateful behavior will not help us. It seems like it will, but all it will do is add personal disappointment to the pain. It’ll be a “two fer.” We’ll get to suffer from their actions, and then feel worse from our own. And that isn’t in our best interest. It might make us feel better in the short run, but in the end it’ll just make things worse. If we’re already devastated, making things worse will never help.

Although those who have acted badly, who have hurt us on purpose, or who have manipulated us, certainly deserve retribution, we don’t have to compromise our ideals to make sure they get it. We must remember that our lives belong to us, and we are in control of our decisions. If we lower our standards and become as viscous as they are, we give control to them. If we react poorly instead of respond well, we will lose. And if we’ve been badly hurt, we’ve lost enough already. However, if we stay strong in our standards, and hold tight to our ethics, and instead reach for the noble path, we prevail. There is nothing that can diminish integrity and wisdom. There is nothing that can triumph over excellent judgment. It isn’t easy to hold fast to what is right when we’ve been wronged. It isn’t easy to look up when we’re hurt, but that is the only way to win. We don’t have to join in bad behavior to prove we are right. We can stand strong, choose virtue, and honor ourselves and our values. When we do that, we always win. Our personal respect stays intact and we overcome everything. We have the courage and the ability to choose well. We can handle anything that comes to us, and handle it with dignity and greatness.

Today if you’ve been hurt badly by someone you thought you could trust, remember who you are. You are good, and you will choose what is best. Stand strong for what you know is right, and be the very best you can be. Nothing can diminish you. Hold tight to the truth. You are so much better than this. Be brave, and make decisions that support the excellent person you are. Be confident. You are worth the best of everything.

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