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Learning to Forget

22 May

Many years ago, I had an elderly friend that was always cheerful, and happy. I was fortunate to be able to spend time with her, and talk with her about her life. Once we discussed a difficult time when her husband made some choices that hurt her deeply. I asked her how she coped, and she said, “I distinctly remember forgetting about that,” and she laughed. She said she had forgiven him for his decisions, had forgotten about them, and moved on.

We hear the saying, “Forgive and forget,” frequently. For many of us forgiving someone who has hurt us is possible, but the forgetting can be another story. It’s hard to let go of something that has really caused us pain, and truly forget about it. We learn from it as we go forward, and sometimes we want to hang on to it. We’re not really sure that forgetting is in our best interest. After all, if we forget what they’ve done to us, they might do it again.

Is it possible to truly forgive someone without forgetting what they’ve done? Shouldn’t we remember what happened so we are wiser the next time around? What does it actually mean to forget? Is it possible to completely un-remember something? According to the dictionary, to forget can mean to “disregard intentionally” or to “overlook.” Using those suggestions, we don’t have to pretend what hurt us never happened, but can choose not to focus on it anymore going forward. We can disregard it. We can let it go. We can overlook it. Perhaps this is the most effective use of forgetting when we are trying to forgive.

I am sure my friend from long ago well remembered what her husband had done when he hurt her. But she chose to let it go. She decided not to focus on it, or bring it up again. She moved on. If we can do that when someone offends us, forgive them the affront, and then let it go, we can still learn from the experience. We don’t have to completely wipe it from our minds, but we can move on, and not obsess over it. In that way we will be successful in forgiving, and forgetting.

Today if someone offends you, hurts you, or makes you feel bad, you may choose to forgive them. If you do, forget what happened by letting it go. Look at it, learn from it, determine how you’ll manage it, and move on. Keep moving forward.

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Chicken Little

15 May

I have a friend who is a teacher and loves her work. However, her school administration isn’t supportive, and that has hurt her. She had a student who was aggressive, and bullying not only the other students, but her as well. She tried to work with him but it was useless. Fearing for her safety she went to her Principal, and explained the situation. She asked to bring the parents in to discuss the matter, but the principal flatly refused, and told her to work it out herself. She was disappointed in his response, but she had seen this behavior before. Her Principal seemed to be afraid of the students’ parents. He never wanted to call them or address behavior problems with them. One day the boy in my friend’s class pushed her off a step, and she suffered a fractured skull. The school paid for her medical expenses, but even then, refused to contact the parents, and told her not to either. She was very hurt, both physically and emotionally. In time her physical injuries have healed, but she is still hurt by her boss’s behavior. She is also worried about what will happen next.

I work in a large organization that adopts basically the same model as my friend’s school. Fear of lawsuits, and recrimination have created an environment where bad employees are not disciplined, and instead, when they cause trouble are moved to other departments . Of course, moving a problem never solves it. The leadership is afraid of problems with the union, legal complaints, and the additional expense from those, and other complications. So, instead of addressing the problem, they move it. It’s a reflection of where we are as a society, and an overall lack of courage.

Sadly, these are not uncommon stories today. Many are reluctant to address bad behavior. They decide instead to say nothing, and deal with the issue as best they can. In our litigious society where people sue others for ridiculous reasons, trying to avoid the possibility of a lawsuit is understandable. But when situations require correction, despite the risk, it needs to happen. If it doesn’t, it may lead to greater problems.

Each of us, every day, has the opportunity to set an example for excellence. We can choose the better path, and light the way for those who have gotten lost. We may not be able to change a whole mindset, but if we bravely choose the right, if we face each problem and address it appropriately, if we solve issues instead of pushing them around, others will notice. We can choose to address the problems we encounter, and set the standard for solving them instead of looking away. If we can turn the tide in our small area of influence, others will see the change for good, and may choose to address their problems too. Like dominoes falling, if we are diligent, one after the other, those around us may choose the better path. Each of us has more power to influence others than we realize. People watch us. They pay attention more than we think they do. So today, choose to be the difference. Choose to set the standard. And watch what happens.

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Value in Disaster

10 May

In 1914 Thomas Edison’s factory in West Orange, New Jersey, was destroyed by fire. Everything was gone. The building was made mostly of concrete, and nobody thought it could burn so it was insured for a small fraction of the loss. The day after the fire, Mr. Edison went to survey the damage. As he stood there seeing the complete destruction, he said, “There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew.” What an amazing man! What an incredible attitude! Someone else may have only seen the loss, but he saw the potential of starting again. What an great example.

We all suffer disasters of varying degrees in our lives. Some are enormous, and hard to face, and others are less destructive. Some wreck our belongings, as well as, our spirits. We may face devastating situations that take years to overcome, or we may have problems that seem disastrous at first but turn out to be workable. Whatever we face, our attitude decides how we will go forward. If we believe the situation is insurmountable, too horrible to face, and we hide from it, it may consume our lives. However, if we, like Mr. Edison, look at the other side of the coin, that it’s horrible now, but it’s also the beginning of something new, it will be easier for us to navigate it.

When we suffer through tragedies and disasters, our lives are changed permanently. We can never go back to how we were before the event happened. What was before is gone. We have to face a new reality. It may not be easy to face, but whether we face it or not, it’s still where we are. So, the best we can do is accept it, decide what we need to do to go forward, and direct our lives to accommodate the change. It’s easy to say these things, it’s easy to think about them, what isn’t easy, is to do them. But we have sufficient courage inside us, and we can handle the changes in our lives, no matter what they are.

This life has its pack of trials. People die, storms ravage, fires burn, floods invade, wars happen, and we all have our share of sorrow, and grief. In those horrible moments, we may feel that we can’t go on. We can’t face our lives now, they are too difficult. But a day goes by, and despite our intense unhappiness, we actually live through it. Then another day goes by. Then a month passes, and as it does, we being to heal. We can, with patience, and time face whatever comes to us. Some days perhaps the best we can do is just breathe in and out, and that is sufficient.

If we can try to think like Mr. Edison did when he faced utter destruction, and see a new beginning instead of just an ending, we will face our trials with more confidence, and peace. Remember that each end is the start of something new. Turn the page. It’s a new day.

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The Best Revenge

5 May

Revenge – Something we all think we want when we’ve been hurt. We are angry, and we want to show those that hurt us that we can hurt them back. We want them to suffer as much as we have suffered. We want them to feel worthless, and rejected. We want them to feel pain. Sometimes we want them to feel a lot of pain. When we’re plotting revenge, we absolutely do not care about what is right or wrong. We just want to get even. Make them pay. Settle it once and for all. They started it, and we’re going to finish it.

On the outside, revenge seems fair. They hurt us, so now we’re going to hurt them. If we get back at them, the playing field remains level. And after all, fair is fair. Sometimes we buy into that, and go for the throat, and inflict all the damage we can. But if we think about what revenge really is, we realize it’s just a way to bring ourselves down to the level of the one that hurt us. Taking revenge just means that we are willing to mimic their bad behavior, and make it our own. We are willing to become them – the ones that started it. That’s really all revenge is. Getting even means standing on the same ground, and being the same. So to get even, we have to drop to their level. If we think about it like that, revenge doesn’t have the same punch. Nobody really wants to be less than they are, not even to get even.

There is a way to get back at those that hurt us without becoming like them, without lowering ourselves down to where they are. And it’s effective every time. All we have to do is look up, live better, rise above the fray, and with grace and composure, settle the score by not buying into the game. Refuse to play. It’s seems counter intuitive at first when you think about it. How can we get back at someone for hurting us without hurting them in return? We do it by standing tall, taking a breath, and letting it go. We do it by becoming better despite the pain. We do it by being more noble than they are.

There is a saying that the “best revenge is living well.” And it’s absolutely true. What could be more annoying to someone who has hurt us, than to see us succeed? What could be more galling to them than to see us happy? There is nothing that will bother them more or longer than that. Hitting them back, going for the throat, is a temporary fix. We might feel better in the short run, but the problem will still be there. Living well is the only way to permanently end the battle.

Today if someone hurts you, be calm, be polite, smile, be gracious, and do what will make YOU happy. Live happily. Live well. Keep smiling. It will drive your enemies crazy with envy. Your grace and success, and your happiness will hurt them more than anything else you could do. And really, what better revenge could there be than that!

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Thanks for the trouble.

2 May

It’s no secret that we’re happy when things are going well, and we’re thankful when we aren’t suffering. It’s so easy to be thankful when everything is fine. It’s easy to be grateful for the things we love. We give thanks for our good health, our families, our money, our cars, our food, our clothes, our homes, and the list goes on and on. It doesn’t take a lot of energy to be thankful when things are going well. We’re happy, and that’s all we need.

It’s a lot harder to be grateful for the problems we encounter. It’s hard to be thankful when someone hurts us, when we’re sick, when we’ve lost our jobs, when our cars break down, or when the money runs out. It’s even harder when we go through extraordinary setbacks – a home fire, a death, the loss of everything because of a natural disaster, a terminal disease. It’s very difficult to be thankful when things go horribly wrong. We’re unhappy, we’re scared, we’re unsure, and we’re lost.

If we look back on our lives at the times when we’ve grown the most, it’s not usually during the periods when everything was going well. It’s often during the very difficult times, when our patience was tested, and we were pushed nearly to the edge of what we could handle. It is during times of trial that we learn the most. All of our experiences shape our personalities and who we become, but the hard times shape us more than the easy times. There is value in the struggle.

Knowing that, shouldn’t we be thankful for those difficult times? They have taught us, molded us, shaped us, and given us a depth, and perspective that a life of ease could never provide. It’s hard to remember to be thankful when we’re suffering, but there are blessings to be had during the suffering, and we need to be mindful of those. This life is a tremendous gift. Even though we say we wish it were always easy, what we really want is to learn and grow, to become better people, to become wiser, and the problems we face are what bring us those attributes.

Today if things go wrong, if the tide seemingly turns against you, and you find yourself feeling bad, think about what you may learn. How will you navigate this difficulty, and what blessings will the experience bring you? And then, take a moment to remember to be thankful even when you’re uncomfortable. If we can be grateful for all of our experiences, both good and bad, we will gain a peace that is insurmountable. And a joy that is all encompassing. Nothing will stop us from going forward. We will smile at the end of each day, and be grateful for everything we experienced, both easy and hard. That’s the real secret to happiness. Embrace the hard times, rejoice during the easy times, and be thankful for all of them.

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