Promises Promises

18 Apr

Frequently as we go through our lives we make commitments. We agree to do things, to follow through, to accomplish projects, to be somewhere, etc. We do this every day in some way or another. And when we agree to do something, we are giving our word, and in essence, a promise that we will do something. Now the word “promise” means different things to different people. Some people don’t think giving their word is as binding as making a promise, but the fact is when we say we will do something, we are making a promise that it will be done. Just because we don’t use the word “promise” when we commit, does not make the commitment less important or less binding.

It is imperative if we want to be trusted, that we keep our word – our promises. Some people give their word easily with no intention of following through. Perhaps they just want the conversation to end so they can move on, and saying they’ll do whatever is being asked will end it. When we have someone in our lives that does this, someone who constantly says they will do something, and then does not follow through, we eventually stop trusting them, and we stop asking them. Since it’s impossible to have a close, trusting relationship with someone who does not keep their word, we move them a step away from us. We back away a bit from the closeness we had before. That will negatively affect the relationship. It can’t be prevented. Relationships by their very nature are based on trust. If the trust is gone, there isn’t much left to hold onto.

But what if we can’t keep our word because of circumstances out of our control? Sometimes things happen, and we can’t follow through on what we’ve said we would do. When that happens we need to let those involved know right away, explain the situation, and decide how to go forward. But if we do this over and over again, something always comes up, there is always a reason why we can’t follow through, there is always an excuse, then the situation is different. If that happens, after a time, those around us will no longer believe us when we say we will do something, they will no longer trust our word, and they will assume we are going to bail. They won’t count on us anymore.

If we are going to give our word, or make a promise, we must do everything in our power to keep it. We can’t just forget about it, we can’t just make up an excuse because we don’t want to do it, we can’t dodge the person who asked us hoping it’ll just fade away. We must keep our word. And if we can’t we must handle that appropriately so other plans can be made. If we do these things, if we are truthful, our relationships will be stronger, people will trust us, they will learn that we are honest, and that we care about them. We’re all in this together. We need to care about each other. We need to follow through. We need to be there for each other. Without that, we stand alone, and nobody wants that.

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What’s on the inside?

17 Apr

I just love to open a brand new box of chocolates. I tear off the cellophane wrapper, open the box and gaze at the gloriously beautiful, decadent, and alluring pieces of delicately designed morsels before me. I lean close and breathe in the wonderful aroma. I’m perfectly happy anticipating the first, delectable bite of deliciousness…but first, I look at the map. I review the map telling me what’s inside those little lovelies because I absolutely detest lemon creams. I hate them. I don’t know why anyone would put lemon with chocolate. Raspberry – delicious, cherry – wonderful, truffle – always, but lemon? No. I hate them. And since you can’t tell what’s on the inside from looking at the beautifully created outside, the map is invaluable. At least to me. Now maybe you don’t care, and lemon is just as good as any other flavor, but for me, it’s a deal breaker.

I have a friend who is very successful and well spoken. She seems cheery and polite most of the time, and she always says the right things to the right people. She seems almost perfect. But when you really get to know her, you realize it’s all an act. Her laughter at the boss’s jokes is fake. In fact, I actually don’t think I’ve ever heard a genuine laugh come from her. She smiles but there is no joy on her face. She moves in rehearsed ways, she says all the predictable phrases, and she changes the way she dresses to match the group she’s with. There doesn’t seem to be anything genuine about her. Everything is fake. When I first met her I thought she was so easy to get along with, so jolly and friendly but then I noticed that as soon as whomever she was charming at the moment walked away, her demeanor immediately changed. She would adjust her personality every time someone new came around and pretend to be like them. After a while I couldn’t tolerate being near her. It was almost painful to watch her go through all these imitations of being real. Who is she inside? I have no idea. I’ve known her for years and I have no idea who she really is. I sometimes wonder if she knows who she is. To me, she’s like a lemon cream. She looks good on the outside, almost perfect, but inside there is something less desirable.

In order to get along and fit in we sometimes have to modify our personality traits, but we can still be genuinely who we are. If we aren’t, who are we? Is it enough to be merely a reflection of those around us? Is it enough to mimic the behaviors of those we want to impress? Is it enough to pretend to be someone else? If we do that over and over we could get lost and actually forget who we really are. And that would be a terrible loss. Each of us has unique gifts to bring to this world. We’re all different and we all have something to offer that is uniquely us. If we ignore those distinctions and simply copy those around us, the world misses out on what we really have to offer. It’s a trap we can fall into when we aren’t confident, when we aren’t sure, when we want badly to fit in. It’s a trap and like all traps, once you’re in, it can be hard to escape.

Think about who you are today. Think about who you really are inside. Are you showing that to those around you or are you pretending to be someone else because you think you’ll be more accepted? Everyone appreciates an honest person who is genuine and clear about who they are. Even when there are disagreements, it’s important to be truthful about where we stand, how we feel, and what we’ll do. If we can do that every day, be completely honest and not play games to fit in, people will come to trust us, to understand what they can expect from us, and know that no matter what comes we will tell it like it is. And when people trust us, we open far more doors in every situation than if we just try to fit in. Be yourself today. Really be who you are. Be confident. Be truthful. Be honest. Don’t deceive others by trying to be something you’re not. Be yourself. It’s the only way to really move forward. And since we can’t go backward, if we aren’t moving forward, we are stuck. And getting stuck gets us nowhere.

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Shoulda Woulda Coulda

16 Apr

We all make dozens of decisions every day. Some are important, some are inconsequential, and some we make without even thinking about them. But what do we do if we find out a decision we have already made may have bad or even disastrous results? How can we process that? We may look back and think, “I can’t believe I did that! I can’t believe I fell for that. I can’t believe I was so stupid.” The problem with looking back is that we can’t project the person we are now back to the person we were when we made the decision. Even if we made the decision last week, we are different now than we were then. Second guessing decisions made in the past based on who we are now will never work. Life happens and things can change in an instant – we get information we didn’t have before, we see the problem differently, someone new enters the picture that changes the entire dynamic. Generally, I think we’ll all agree, people don’t intentionally make bad decisions that will hurt them. We try our best based on the information we have, and the situation we are in.

So how do we deal with the results of a bad decision? How do we go forward? How can we fix things and forgive ourselves for making the mistake? If the decision only hurt us, we can cope with that, learn from it, and move on. But if the decision hurt others, caused the end of a relationship or caused us to lose the trust of those around us, it will be more difficult. If we’ve hurt others we can try to make amends, and apologize.  If we’ve really broken a relationship, we may have to accept that it can’t be fixed, and let it go. That is difficult, especially if it was a relationship we valued, but we can’t go back in time. We can’t change the past. We are where we are. There are no “do overs.” All we can do is go forward from here. If we’ve lost the trust of others, we may be able to restore it if we explain why we chose what we chose, and if we include them going forward when decisions come that will affect them. Over time, if we’re careful, that trust may come back.

We are all only human. We are going to make mistakes. It happens. We don’t get a manual when we come here that warns us to “watch out for that decision you have to make in May…” We learn as we go. Sometimes we screw up. It’s just how it is. And when we screw up, we can learn from it, we can cope with the results of the decision, we can try to fix things again, and we will do better next time. If you’re struggling with a bad decision you’ve made in the past, and you are having trouble letting it go, try to remember why you chose what you chose. You were in a different place, you thought things would go differently, and you wouldn’t have made the decision you made had you known it would end badly. Forgive yourself. It’s not the end of times. It’s just a bump in the road. Next time you’ll get it right.

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The sky is blue, the grass is green.

15 Apr

Some time ago while going through a particularly difficult time in my life, a very good friend told me that when I felt my worst I should take pleasure in the small things. “Go outside,” he said. “Take a walk and feel the breeze on your face. Watch it turn the leaves on the trees. Notice the way the sun feels. Pay attention.” He promised me that if I did that, my spirits would be lifted, and I would feel better.

Honestly, I didn’t believe him. I was really having a hard time, under so much stress. and I felt horrible. How on earth was a walk outside going to help me? But one day, feeling completely defeated, I took his advice, put on my tennis shoes and went outside. I mean, I had nothing to lose. As I began to walk down the lane, I looked around. I paid attention to the little things as he had suggested – the sound of my neighbor’s son riding his bicycle, the smell of a distant barbecue cooking something delicious, the feel of the sun’s rays on my arms, and the freshness of the air. I walked for a while and continued to listen, to feel, and to see, and soon I began to notice I wasn’t so upset. I wasn’t so overwhelmed. He was right – I felt better.

Since that experience I have made it a point to be outside more, especially when I’m feeling pressed. Instead of brooding and worrying, I take a walk, I pay attention, and again notice the small things that bring me comfort. And it helps a lot. But sometimes there isn’t time for a nice walk when I’m feeling low, so I have developed a little mantra that I say to myself when I am overrun or stressed, and can’t get away. I sit for just a moment, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat in my mind, “The sky is blue, the grass is green.” I envision a gorgeous blue sky, and brilliantly green grass, and I imagine the feeling of the breeze on my face. As I sit there for just a moment, I am reminded that there are other things to think about. Somewhere, even if it’s raining where I am, somewhere the sky is blue and the grass is green. The breeze is soft and warm, there are birds singing, and all is not lost. That little mantra has calmed me more times than I can count. It’s just a small reminder that what I’m going through is isolated and will change, and there are better things coming my way.

Today if you’re feeling stressed, if you’re feeling bad, take a moment, just a moment, sit still, close your eyes, take a breath, and think about something that makes you relax, that brings you comfort. Maybe work on developing your own mantra for times when you’re unsettled and need some relief. “The sky is blue, the grass is green.” Yes, it is. And sometimes that’s all it takes.

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What’s the good news?

14 Apr

When my children were younger and would come to me upset or angry about something that was going on, I would listen patiently and wait until they finished complaining and griping. And then I would look at them and say, “I understand. I can see that you’re upset. What’s the good news?” When I first started doing this, their immediate response was that THERE WAS NO GOOD NEWS! And then they would continue their tirade, at which time I would listen patiently, and when they were done again, I would look at them and say, “Yes, I still understand the problem. And we can talk about it, but what’s the good news?” After going through this process with them through several problems as they came and went, they learned that before they came to me to complain and tell me their horrible story, they would have to be prepared with something, anything, from the situation that would be positive, and that could somehow be construed as good news. Eventually when they came to me angry and upset, often before they would get to the end of their story, they would smile and say, “I know, I know, what’s the good news?” and then they would begrudgingly proceed to tell me what they were learning from what was going on. Looking for and preparing to explain something positive from all the negative they were experiencing helped them diffuse the situation themselves, and think more clearly.

We all face periods of disappointment and grief, frustration and anxiety, sheer anger, and disgust. But in each situation, if we take some time to think about it, there is something that can be learned that can benefit us. If someone insults us, makes us feel small, or offends us, perhaps the only good news is that we lived to tell the tale! Or maybe the good news is that we held our tongues, and let them make spectacles of themselves being rude and offensive, while we maintained our self control. Maybe the good news is that we decided their comments were inaccurate, and we weren’t going to internalize them, and make them bigger than what they really were – just opinions. Generally in times like these, in uncomfortable situations, there is a lesson we can learn that can benefit us. We can learn to be more patient, to be gracious despite the barbs, to extend the hand of friendship even when someone has been rude. Every situation is different, but generally there is something beneficial for us if we look for it.

Today if you encounter a difficult situation, if you interact with someone who isn’t nice to you or frankly rude to you, if you are the recipient of someone else’s anger, think about the situation and see if you can’t figure out what the good news is. Because surely there is something there. And if we can rearrange our feelings when we’re going through times like these, when we’re feeling bad, when we’re feeling attacked, if can rearrange them to looking for the things we can learn, then we become the victor. We prevail. It’s all about our attitude. We can choose to return anger for anger, or we can choose to rise a little higher. Find the one thing that you can learn from the experience that will make you better. It’s there. You just need to open your mind and look for it. And when you find it you’ll probably discover that you feel better, more at peace, and able to let the discomfort go. You’ll be in control of yourself, and able to see the situation more objectively, and that’s always a good thing. What’s the good news? Today, look for it. And when you find it, be happy knowing that you changed everything!

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