Oh snap!

23 Apr

Have you ever made a snap judgment that was way off the mark? Probably you have. Probably we all have. And I have as well. Some time ago, I was in a gas station store getting a soda. That particular store had a lot of gambling options, lots of scratch off tickets for sale, several lottery tickets, and other options. There was a man at the counter buying all kinds of those items, and I remember thinking he was just throwing his money away. An older woman, and what looked like her young granddaughter came into the store, and the little girl was chanting, “We want five dollars on number 4! We want five dollars on number 4!” I thought she was talking about one of the gambling options, and I was disgusted to think the grandmother was teaching this young child about that. Imagine my shame when I heard the little girl go to the counter and ask for five dollars worth of gas on pump number four. I felt horrible. Why did I jump to such a sad conclusion without any facts to back it up? I don’t normally judge others this way, and I felt so ashamed. I looked out the window and noticed their car was a big old gas guzzler, and seeing it, I realized that five dollars wasn’t going to go very far but may have been all they could afford. In order to somehow redeem myself for judging them so inappropriately, I went to the counter and paid the cashier to add additional fuel to their pump. Then I walked outside and said hello to the woman. I told her I had paid for some extra gas for them, and I hoped it would help. She was so grateful, and thanked me profusely – which I have to say, just made me feel worse. I told her it was my pleasure, to have a nice day, and I left. I remember driving away feeling so ashamed that I had made such an awful mistake, and humbled to realize I needed to change.

I have never forgotten that experience. Why was I so quick to judge that day? Why did I assume the worst? I have no idea. But whatever the reason was, it was wrong. We never really know what is going on in someone else’s life. We don’t know their personal circumstances, we don’t know their struggles, we don’t know if they’re happy or sad, and we certainly don’t know what decisions they are making. Making snap judgments based on little or no facts, and just on our (sometimes flawed) perceptions, is simply wrong. We just don’t have the whole story, and until we know all the facts, it’s impossible to understand anything.

That woman at the gas station will never know what was going on inside my head that day. She didn’t know that my gift of gas was really penance for a bad choice. If you have made this sort of judgment yourself, take heart, it’s not permanent, and you can change. Today as you’re going through your ups and downs, and you see those around you doing whatever it is they are doing, remember that what you see might not be what is happening at all. We never have all the facts until others give them to us. Be careful with your judgments. Don’t make assumptions based on half a conversation, an overheard statement, a surprise action or anything else. Don’t assume anything. Wait for the facts. That day at the gas station was a humbling experience for me. I won’t forget it. But remembering when we falter is a blessing. It helps us correct our courses, and if we listen, can teach us to be better. Today is a new day. Don’t snap. You could be wrong.

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Playing Patty Cake

22 Apr

How honest are we in our relationships with our family, our friends, our co-workers, and our acquaintances? Do we ever pretend that things are better than they really are? Do we look the other way instead of facing a difficult situation, and hope it will just fade away? Do we just smile and laugh it off when we’ve been offended? If we do, we’re playing patty cake. You know that game that children play. Just like that game, when we pretend that things are different than they really are, when we look the other way, and ignore difficult situations instead of solving them, and instead of facing them head on, we are playing a game. Sometimes we bring others into the game, especially in our families. There’s crazy Uncle Louie who lies every time he opens his mouth, but nobody ever says anything. There’s mean Aunt Louise who talks about every relative behind their backs, and everyone just ignores her. And there’s that cousin whose mother dotes on him like he’s an angel, and once her back is turned he steals cash out of her purse. Everyone knows he does it – his mother even knows he does it, but it would be too unpleasant to address, so everyone looks the other way. Keep the peace. Don’t rock the boat. Play patty cake. This might work for a while but eventually, the truth comes out, and despite the denial, the problems have to be faced.

Maybe you know a family that does this. Maybe you do this. Maybe it’s been going on for years. Everything is smoke and mirrors. Everything is orchestrated to avoid the truth, to deny the reality of anything unpleasant. In this situation, it’s impossible to be honest. People who play patty cake often can’t keep their promises. They always have an excuse. Despite that, often they are the ones who are always telling others how great their life is, how perfect their family is, how wonderful they are. Of course, if you never look at anything negative, if you never face the truth, you can make up any sort of life you want. If you believed what they say, you would think they were perfection personified. The greatest that ever lived.

But they aren’t. They are dysfunctional, and they are in denial. They are living a lie. If we pretend things are different than they really are, we are not living a real life. It’s all make believe. If we don’t face our lives as they really are, we aren’t living our lives as they really are. We are living in a dream state, a pretend existence. Nothing is real.

If we want to be happy, really happy, we have face life as it really is. We have to face the truth, even if it hurts, even if it’s unpleasant, even if it’s hard. If we face the truth no matter what it is, and let go of the illusions, in the end we will find more joy, and happiness, and we’ll be genuinely at peace. What could be better? So today, if you find yourself thinking about playing patty cake to get through a difficult situation, stop, and think again. You can handle whatever comes your way by being honest, and straightforward. And when you’re on the other side of the problem, you’ll be happy knowing you faced it instead of looking the other way. It’s the only way to live if you want to be happy. And we all want that don’t we?

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Do you feel that?

21 Apr

There are currently over seven billion people in the world. Seven billion – that’s an enormous number. It’s hard to grasp a number that big but that’s where we are. Over seven billion of us sharing time and space on one planet. It’s impossible to see all the people, meet them all, get to know them, and learn about them. There are just too many of us and the world is very big. If you started traveling today, and traveled every single day of your life from here forward, you could still never get to every place there is to go.

Our lives encircle a very small percentage of the world population. We have friends, and family, work associates, professional contacts, and the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. And even with our smaller group it’s sometimes hard to realize that we are all connected in some way. The human race is an amazing thing. So many differences, yet so many similarities. We all need food, shelter, air, companionship, and generally we all want love, support, kindness, and caring. There really isn’t that much difference between us despite the geographic boundaries and cultural norms.

I began to realize how much more connected we are than I had thought some time ago when an acquaintance died unexpectedly. I didn’t know him that well, but I found myself grieving and sad. My friends who were close to him were heartbroken, and that made me feel even sadder. I wanted to comfort them, I wanted to comfort his family whom I had never met, and I wanted to help them all. I really didn’t know these people, and I wondered at my concern for them. Why do we have this empathy, this ability to share one another’s feelings? As I thought about it, I remembered other times in my life when people had been sad, or happy, joyous or desperate, and I realized that during those times I, too, felt those emotions with them. Why would I feel so much for situations in which I was not involved? Because the people around me, these other human beings, are part of me. In essence, we’re all really part of the same family.

Think about your life. Haven’t there been times when you were going through something difficult, and a stranger said something to cheer you up? Do you remember times when you saw someone else struggling, someone you didn’t know, and felt like you wanted to help? What about all of those examples of families, towns, churches, and cities that have gone through terrible disasters, and people from all over the country came to their aide. It happens all the time. Why do we do this? We don’t know those people? Why do we care?

We care because our connections to one another are far deeper than we realize. There is a constancy between us all, like a silent, ongoing hum that never leaves us, that is always there, that we don’t hear, but continually feel. That’s how we are as people. We are connected. We laugh when others laugh, we cry when others cry, we rejoice when others rejoice, and we grieve when others grieve. It was meant to be this way. It’s the way it has to be. We need each other. We need to know that we matter, and we need to let others know that they matter too.

Today as you go about your details, your busy life, your responsibilities, your errands, your commitments, and everything else you have to do, think about your connection to those around you. Listen for that familiar hum – that silent link that never leaves you. Listen. You’ll hear it, not with your ears, but with your heart. And if you see someone laughing, join them. If you see someone crying, comfort them. Everyone around you is your brother and sister. Keep your family strong. They need you and you need them. Today make it a point to remember that.

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What’s luck got to do with it?

20 Apr

A previous boss I had was always giving me big projects to work on. They were in essence HIS projects, but he preferred delegating them to me instead of doing them himself. My office was right next to his and when his boss would come to see him, and I overheard him getting a new assignment, I knew that shortly thereafter that assignment was going to be mine. Since it was my boss directing me to complete the project, whatever it was, there was no way to decline. When he invariably called me into his office to assign me something new, I would sit and listen carefully, take the necessary notes, and then tell him, “I’ll take care of it.” As I would rise to leave, he would almost always say, “Good luck,” at which time I would respond, “Luck is not a factor.”

What is luck? For many of us it’s something we hope for despite the fact that it isn’t real. There is no magical way for things to work out, there is no mythical realm that will intercede. This is not a fairy tale. This is real life. The true definition of luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet. Again – The true definition of luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet. If we are prepared and an opportunity presents itself, we may take full advantage of the situation and find success. Some will say we were lucky, and in essence, given the true definition of luck, we were, but not like they think. We were ready. We were prepared for the opportunity when it arrived and so were successful. When I worked on the endless projects assigned to me by my boss, I prepared, I planned, I got ready, and when the time came to present my final product, everything often went well. I wasn’t lucky in some magical way. I was lucky because I prepared and was ready to succeed.

There are times in our lives when we want very much for something to change. We want very much for something to happen. We might think, “I wish I were lucky enough to get that.” But wishing for a lucky break is a waste of time. If you want to really be lucky, make a plan to get the thing you are wishing for, and prepare a way to accomplish your plan. Move forward step by step and in time, you will get what you want. There are few things in life we can’t achieve if we want them badly enough. True luck is when you put your mind to work, put your plan into action, and persevere until you succeed.

Very successful people generally aren’t just ‘lucky.’ Generally they have worked very hard to achieve their goals. It’s easy to see them at the end of the journey with their success shining all over them, and envy them, neglecting to see all the sweat, tears, disappointments, changes in course, and adjustments they most certainly went through to get where they are. They wanted the success enough to make it happen. Does that make them lucky?   If you believe that luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet – then yes, they are lucky.

Today, think about what you have been wishing for. Don’t wait for fairy dust, or a magical spell to bring it to you. Make a plan, start working it, and go after it. Make your own luck by preparing for what you want so when it arrives you are ready to grab it. It’s waiting for you. It has your name on it. Go get it!

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What happens next?

19 Apr

What would you do if someone unfairly and maliciously insulted you in front of your friends? What would you do if someone took credit for your idea at work? What would you do if someone you loved hurt you to serve themselves? What would you do if someone lied to you and caused you to lose something you valued? What would you do if you discovered that a friend or loved one betrayed you?

All of these scenarios could happen to you. Some of them may have already happened to you. Unfortunately, we can’t control any choices other people make. We can’t control what they do or don’t do. We can’t control what happens to us as a result of those choices. When it comes to dealing with others, if they choose to hurt us, lie to us, betray us – we really can’t do anything to stop them. They may choose to do whatever they want to, and if that means hurting us, they may choose that as well.

But we can control what happens next – at least as far as our behavior is concerned. It is very hard to deal with being treated unfairly, and our first instinct might be to fight back. Fighting fire with fire might work, but it’s not always the best option. Sometimes it just makes the situation worse, and causes more hurt feelings on both sides. So if we don’t return back exactly what’s been done to us, do we have to just take it? Should we do nothing? No. We have options. But choosing the right one takes a little thought.

What if for every injustice, we offered back the opposite of what we received. For anger, we could offer kindness. For jealousy, we could offer acceptance. For selfishness, we could offer charity. For greed, we could offer generosity. For lies, we could offer honesty. If we offer these things in return for the pain, there is a good chance that the person who hurt us will be touched by our consideration and understanding. They may see the error of what they’ve done, and use our example to change. And if they do, that change would most probably be positive. It won’t happen every time, but if our example helps even one person to change for the better, it’s worth the cost.

We’re all going to be hurt by others at times. Sometimes the hurt will be exquisitely painful, devastating even, and it will be hard to turn the other cheek and offer back something better. It will not be easy. But becoming the best person we can be is never easy. We have to rise above the pain, and see the bigger picture. We have to decide that it’s worth it. We have to choose to reach higher. So today, make a choice. Do you want to return fire with fire, or do you want to change the situation and make it better? There is nobility in all of us. Recognize yours. Express it when things go wrong. Embrace it when you get hurt. And show it off to the world. It really is your finest feature.

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