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Do you feel the pinch?

2 Jun

Have you ever worn shoes that were just a little too small? Maybe they felt okay at first but as you walked in them they began to pinch? Sometimes we can feel that sort of discomfort in our lives. It’s nothing serious, just a little pinch that something isn’t right. Like a blip on the radar that we can’t identify. We don’t feel exactly settled. Maybe we aren’t sleeping well, and we feel edgy. Something is off. Something is bugging us.

When this happens, it’s a good idea to give it some attention. Think about what we’re feeling. What is going on in our lives? Generally when we feel that little annoyance, there is something just under the surface that we’ve been ignoring. Perhaps it’s something someone said or did we blew off at the time, but has been bothering us ever since. Perhaps it’s a situation we’re involved in that for some reason just doesn’t fit. Perhaps it’s something we need to do that we keep putting off. Or maybe it’s something we did in the past that we need to revisit. Whatever it is, it helps to address it, so we can let it go.

Each day a lot of things happen to us. Sometimes we’re caught off guard by something, and even though we feel like we’ve moved on, sometimes it lingers. It’s there in the back of our minds niggling at us. Poking us to pay attention, making us feel unsettled. If it’s unpleasant, we may try to ignore it. But it remains, reminding us that it’s there. If we want to shake it off, first we have to fix it.

We deserve to get the most out of each day. We deserve to feel confident and settled. If there are things that take that from us, it’s best to change them. Once we determine what’s bothering us, and then do what it takes to let it go, our peace will return. It might be an easy fix, or it might be something that is more complicated. Once we’ve addressed the issue, done what we need to in order to let it go, we will be happier and feel like ourselves once more. We’ll feel relaxed again, and all those rough edges will smooth out.

Today if you’re feeling out of sorts, if you feel an annoying reminder of something that’s bothering you, address it. If it involves someone else, talk to them. If it involves a decision you need to make, decide. Whatever it is, fix it now, and find your center again. Small irritants can become bigger problems if we let them fester. Fix them while they’re small. Today is a great day to clean the closets. Once everything has been tidied up you can shut the door, and move on. Nothing will hold you back.

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Learning to Forget

22 May

Many years ago, I had an elderly friend that was always cheerful, and happy. I was fortunate to be able to spend time with her, and talk with her about her life. Once we discussed a difficult time when her husband made some choices that hurt her deeply. I asked her how she coped, and she said, “I distinctly remember forgetting about that,” and she laughed. She said she had forgiven him for his decisions, had forgotten about them, and moved on.

We hear the saying, “Forgive and forget,” frequently. For many of us forgiving someone who has hurt us is possible, but the forgetting can be another story. It’s hard to let go of something that has really caused us pain, and truly forget about it. We learn from it as we go forward, and sometimes we want to hang on to it. We’re not really sure that forgetting is in our best interest. After all, if we forget what they’ve done to us, they might do it again.

Is it possible to truly forgive someone without forgetting what they’ve done? Shouldn’t we remember what happened so we are wiser the next time around? What does it actually mean to forget? Is it possible to completely un-remember something? According to the dictionary, to forget can mean to “disregard intentionally” or to “overlook.” Using those suggestions, we don’t have to pretend what hurt us never happened, but can choose not to focus on it anymore going forward. We can disregard it. We can let it go. We can overlook it. Perhaps this is the most effective use of forgetting when we are trying to forgive.

I am sure my friend from long ago well remembered what her husband had done when he hurt her. But she chose to let it go. She decided not to focus on it, or bring it up again. She moved on. If we can do that when someone offends us, forgive them the affront, and then let it go, we can still learn from the experience. We don’t have to completely wipe it from our minds, but we can move on, and not obsess over it. In that way we will be successful in forgiving, and forgetting.

Today if someone offends you, hurts you, or makes you feel bad, you may choose to forgive them. If you do, forget what happened by letting it go. Look at it, learn from it, determine how you’ll manage it, and move on. Keep moving forward.

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Tipping Point

20 May

We go through a lot of experiences in life. We interact with lots of different people, do lots of different things, and process continual changes. We get used to our routines, and we cope with problems as they come up as best we can. Sometimes though, we get into situations that are increasingly difficult, and although we may cope with them for a while, over time they may become unmanageable. Since these situations almost always involve another person, we may dread addressing the problem, so we put it off. We deal. We cope. But eventually we reach the tipping point – the place where things have to change. We can’t do what we’ve been doing any more.

Sometimes that point of no return triggers intense outbursts as we finally say all the things we’ve been holding in. Other times, it triggers isolation. We hide out hoping the situation will just change on its own. That never works, but when what we have to face is painful, we might try it anyway. In the end, we have to look at the problem, and chart a different course, painful or not. There is no other way. When we’ve reached the end of what we can handle, things must change.

These experiences are difficult. If we must end a relationship, someone is going to get hurt. Even if we must only make changes in a relationship, someone may get hurt. The hurt isn’t intentional. It’s just the way it is sometimes when change is necessary. If we’ve waited too long, and get angry, we may say more than we intend to, so it’s best to start the conversation before it goes that far. If we can resolve the issue without anger, the process will be easier.

When we reach these times in our lives, we must be honest, tell the whole story, and put all our cards on the table. We need to say everything respectfully, and clear the air. And then we need to make the best decision for going forward. This process is never easy, but once we’ve said it all, once we’ve told the whole story, once we’ve been completely honest, we will be able to start again. We will be able to relax, regain our footing, and face a different future.

Change is always difficult. Endings are rarely easy. But remember each ending is also the beginning of something new. Once we’ve faced a difficult issue and resolved it, we can start over with confidence. The tension will be gone, and although we may be shaky at first, soon we’ll settle in, and be strong again.

Today if you find yourself at a tipping point, and absolutely must change something, don’t look away. Face it. You can manage this. Keep your head up, keep a smile in your heart even when it hurts, and know that you are in charge of your life. Be brave. You deserve everything you need. Go get it.

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Tuck and Roll

24 Apr

When something terrible happens in our lives, something really bad that takes our breath away, something that shocks us, and frightens us, our initial response to coping with it might be to push it out of our minds, and refuse to think about it. That way we believe we can handle the pain. Initially it may seem like a good idea. It really hurts to think about it, and it would follow that not thinking about it would be better. So we close it off, set it aside, tuck it away behind a door in our minds. We determine that we will think about it later. Later, when we’re stronger. Later, when we’re ready. It’ll still be there, and we’ll look at it then. And who knows, maybe by then it won’t hurt so much.

It’s the old “tuck and roll” technique. You tuck it away, and roll on to something else. Unfortunately, the moment we tuck the problem away, it becomes frozen in time. It does not change, it does not morph into something easier to look at, it does not go away. It stays exactly as it was the moment we decided to ignore it. And the catch is that those problems we’ve put aside tend to get impatient if we don’t go back to them. Before long they remind us they are there. They pop up into our thoughts, and they peak into our dreams. And when they do, they still hurt because we’ve done nothing to cope with them. All we’ve done is try to forget them. And that never works.

Unfinished business is unfinished. We are not done with it, and it will remain unfinished, and continue to prick us until we garner the courage to address it. It becomes a weight that holds us down, a broken shoe that slows us up, and a stop sign in our progress. If we want to go forward, we have to go back. We have to open the door all the way, we have to open our eyes and see the problem, and we have to face the situation completely. It may hurt. It may hurt a lot, but if we want to let it go, first we have to let it come. We have to let the pain roll over us. We have to face it head on, face all our fears, and all our doubts, and stand up to it. Only after that can we finally let it go.

The biggest, heaviest, most destructive wave in the ocean can only break on the shore one time. And then it’s gone. The issues we’ve been afraid to face are the same way. They may hurt us when we let them roll over us, but if we face them, they will only hurt us once, and then we can begin to heal. The wave will have passed. There is nothing that will come to us in this life that we cannot face. Stand up. Stand strong. Open the door. Let everything out. And then, after the wave, take a breath and start again. Let it go. You’ll feel lighter, calmer, happier, and stronger afterward. It’s just a door after all. Open it.

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Opening the door.

28 Mar

When my son was about a year old, I sat him in his highchair and gave him his first popsicle.  He grabbed it from my hand grasping the frozen top instead of the handle and immediately stuck it in his mouth.  He loved it!  However, his hand was gripping the icy popsicle itself instead of the wooden handle.  I tried to pry his fingers off to move them down but he would not let go.  Quickly he began to cry because his fingers were freezing and were beginning to hurt, but he kept putting the popsicle in his mouth through all the tears, and had no way of knowing what the problem was.  I kept trying to loosen his grip but he thought I was taking his delicious treat away from him and he held on even tighter, continuing to cry and scream because his hand was hurting.  It took a few minutes but I was finally able to tug the popsicle from his iron grip, at which point he shrieked, tears pouring down his face.  I gently put the stick into his hand and finally he realized he could eat his treat without pain – finally holding it in the right place!  It was a very tense and comical situation while all of this was going on – me trying to comfort him while taking his hands off his prize, and him screaming because he wanted the popsicle and his hand was freezing.

I have never forgotten this experience.  Why?  Because there have been times in my life where I, too, have been holding onto the popsicle, screaming in pain, but refusing to let go.  Let me explain.

Sometimes we get to a place in our lives where we want something very badly.  We really want it.  We want it with all our hearts – but – there is something else holding us back from getting it.  Not necessarily something on the outside, but often something inside of us.  We have been hurt before so we are afraid to go forward.  We are unsure because it’s new territory and we don’t know how it will go, so we hesitate.  We aren’t positive we can handle the thing we want so badly.  We think we can but we aren’t completely sure.

So we get to the door, we go all the way up to it, it’s right there, that last step we need to take to move forward.  Our hand is on the knob, we can feel the tension, we are right there, but we can’t open it.  We want to, really want to, but if we open it everything will change.  We would have to let go of all our fears, all our insecurities about the decision and just go for it.  That takes determination, and it takes courage.  We really don’t know what will happen if we open the door.  We think it’ll be great.  We really want to do this, but we stop.  We are holding onto the popsicle too tightly. We don’t want to lose what we have, even if what we can gain is so much better.  We can’t let go.

Life is complex.  We go through so many changes, we travel so many different roads, we experience so many things.  We get hurt, we get happy, we get disappointed, we get relief, we cover the whole gamut of human emotional experiences.  And each one of them leaves a track – not always a scar – but definitely a track because we’ve traveled through it. Sometimes those experiences cause us to hesitate because they were painful and hard to overcome.  Some of them we have not overcome yet, and when we think of them they still hurt.  And so, the hesitation.

It’s a gamble.  There are no guarantees.  Everything is up for grabs.  We never know if things will go the way we think they will, the way we hope they will, or even they way we want them to.  But, if we don’t try, if we don’t ever open the door to the new experiences, we will never know.  We will stay in exactly the same situation we are in now, and never get to find out how it could have been.  The other side of the door holds new challenges, new opportunities, new decisions, and may offer new happiness.  It may also offer new sadness, but we won’t know if we never open it.  Getting close doesn’t really count for anything in the end.  Getting right up to the door doesn’t change anything.  We have to open it and walk through it.

Every day I hear people complain because their lives aren’t what they hoped they would be.  They aren’t living the life they really want and they are unhappy.  But the truth is that we all have the power to change our lives, we all have the power to try new things to be happy, every day.  But in order to do that, we have to let go of the popsicle.  We have to let go of the things that are holding us back, and we have to open the new door.   Will it be scary – probably.  Will it be unnerving – maybe.  Can we do it?  Absolutely.

What are you holding onto that is holding you back?  What are you afraid of?  What doors are waiting for you to open?  Walk up to them.  Put your hand on the knob, let go of the popsicle, shake it off, and open the door.  Take the chance.  Be brave – don’t look back, look forward.  It’s waiting for you.

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