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Eenie Meenie

2 Jul

We make dozens of choices every day. Some are inconsequential – what we’ll have for breakfast, what color shirt we’ll wear, or when we’ll go to the gym. Other decisions have more weight, and those take a little more thought. Generally, whatever decisions we have to make, there will be options. Sometimes there will be a lot of options, which seems like it would make the decision easier, but can actually make it harder to choose. Before we start to decide anything we first have to determine where we want things to be end at the end of the decision, and how we want things to look after we’ve decided. If we take the time to think about those things before choosing, we’ll make our decisions more confidently, and be happier with the result.

When we have heavy, difficult decisions to make, the process is usually complicated. Say you’ve been offered a great new job, and you’re excited about it, but the new position requires you to move to another state. Your friends, and family are located where you are now. The new job would be a great change for you, and even though everyone says they would support your move, you aren’t sure. Or perhaps you’re in a relationship that is fine, but not going anywhere. You feel like it’s time to move on but you know if you do that, the other person is going to be hurt. You don’t want to hurt anyone, but you really feel like it’s time for a change. What will you do? These are tough decisions to make. You have to weigh a lot. You have to consider a lot. It will take time to process all the parameters. When we are making hard decisions, it’s important that we give ourselves the time we need to evaluate everything, and then feel confident that we’ve chosen the best road forward. Jumping to answers quickly rarely works, and can cause greater complications in the end. If we take the time we need, and make our decisions after careful thought, we’ll make them more confidently.

There are times in our lives when it doesn’t matter which way we choose. Sometimes whatever we decide will be fine, and sometimes that doesn’t help. If it doesn’t matter which way we go, the decision can actually be harder to make. It seems like it would be easier, but when all the choices are good, it can be hard to choose. But if we take some time to decide what we really want, we will choose well. Making decisions is a part of our lives every day. They take practice, but often before we decide, we already know what we want to do. We already know which way we really want to go. But sometimes even knowing, we still need to take some time so we are comfortable, and then we just need the courage to choose it, and go forward.

Today if you have a decision looming that you haven’t quite determined how you’ll navigate, take some time to weigh all the options. How will your decision make you feel? How will you go forward from there? How will it affect your life? Will it take you closer to where you want to be? Take your time. Whatever you do, if you choose the path you want the most, you will be happy. You are in control of every choice you make. You have everything you need to make the best choice possible, and you will. You know what’s best for you. Choose that.

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Not That Bad

30 Jun

I have a group of friends that I do things with socially. Sometimes we all get together, sometimes just a few of us can get away, but we generally enjoy each other, and have fun. As a group we’ve determined that our adventures will have a certain level of decorum, and we try to stick to that. There is one among us though who isn’t in full agreement about this, and pushes the limits from time to time. When he brings his outlying suggestions to the group he always says the same thing, “It’s not that bad.” He knows he will be outnumbered if we keep to our original decision, but that never stops him from trying again.

We all have decisions to make about what we will, and what we won’t participate in. My standards will be different from yours. Everyone gets to decide where their lines are, and how far they are willing to go in every endeavor. For some there are no limits, and everything is fair game. For others, the boundaries are very close, and defined. We have to choose what works for us, and where we are comfortable. Maybe your group is fine going to strip clubs on Friday night to hang out. Maybe not. We choose what we want, and we need to make sure it’s where we’re comfortable.

Once we’ve decided where our limits are, if we aren’t interested in changing them, we can communicate them to those we interact with. Sometimes our friends may try to push us into situations that make us uncomfortable, and when that happens we can certainly say no. We don’t have to go along if we don’t want to. On the other hand, if we feel open to new ideas, expanding those boundaries may open up new experiences that will embellish our lives. But we should ensure they are in keeping with our personal standards. For instance, say you have a friend who has no problem with lying, and that makes you uncomfortable. Whenever you go out with them they lie about the check, or about a ticket, or something regarding an event. You may decide to excuse yourself from activities involving them. You don’t have to be uncomfortable, and you don’t have to compromise your standards. People may say, “It’s not that bad,” but your standards are yours, and they are worth keeping.

Today if you feel you are being pressured into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with, you may say no. You may politely decline the invitation. You are entitled to do things that make you feel comfortable, and confident. You don’t have to compromise your standards or decisions. You are in control of your life. You may manage it any way that works best for you. After all, nobody knows what’s best for you better than you do. Just because someone else thinks, “It’s not that bad,” doesn’t mean you have to go along. Today do it your way. Be confident. You know what’s best.

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The Checkout Line

29 Jun

Unfortunately in our lives, there are some situations that make us uncomfortable, and sometimes there is no way to escape them. Maybe your boss wants to talk to you about an assignment you’ve been dreading, or your friend is having a bad day and dumping it all over you, or a family member is calling because you haven’t been available and they are upset, or a million other situations come up that are uncomfortable. Because we know these things are difficult we may try to dodge them. We may ignore the phone and not answer it, duck the other way down the hall when we see someone coming, or pretend we don’t see the person we are avoiding as we rush by. Those strategies work temporarily, but eventually we have to deal with whatever is waiting for us. We can try to check out, but that only delays the inevitable.

Checking out is something we all do from time to time. If we’re in an uncomfortable or boring conversation that seems never ending, we zone out. As my former boss used to say, “We go to our happy place.” I’m not sure if where we go is happy, but it is away from the situation we’re in, which may help for the moment. The benefit of doing this is that while we’re checked out of the present, we aren’t listening to whatever is making us uncomfortable. But the down side is that as long as we’re checked out, the situation cannot change. If we don’t address the issue, decide to talk openly about it, and share our perceptions and understanding, the situation will not change. And the best thing to do when we’re in an uncomfortable situation is try to change it to a more positive scenario. In order to do that, we have to be there. We have to be present.

Being present when we’re uncomfortable takes some effort. We don’t want to be there so it takes discipline, and it may take courage. We have to choose to be there. We have to recognize that is the only way out. It seems counter intuitive that the way out is to be in, but that’s how it works. We have to stay in the situation to change it. We have to check back in.

Today if you find yourself in a difficult conversation, or an uncomfortable situation, choose to be there for it. Listen completely, and calmly share your perceptions, and views. Make suggestions to change things so they work better for you. There is nothing so confusing or difficult that you can’t figure it out. But you have to be there to do that. Between stations, the radio only plays static. If we want music in our lives, we have to tune in. So plan to tune in. You don’t need any more static in your life. Check in, turn things around and harmony will return.

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Going Dark

28 Jun

The other day while driving around I stopped at a very busy intersection. While I waited for the light to change, I saw a man walking across the street. He had headphones on, and was texting. There were cars turning into his lane, and lots of traffic. He was oblivious to it all. It appeared that because of the headphones he could not hear what was going on around him, and because he was looking down at his phone as he walked across the busy intersection, he couldn’t see what was going on either. So basically, he was navigating a dangerous intersection both deaf and blind – by choice. I was stunned. It was astounding to see, and somewhat disturbing.

Today technology is everywhere. We carry our smartphones with us to keep in touch, and many of us listen to music with headphones as we go about our various tasks. There is nothing wrong with technology, but the problem comes when that technology endangers us, or isolates us. There are limits to how we can successfully use these tools. Everywhere we go, we see people walking and texting, and tripping, and running into things. People even text as they drive, and nothing could be more dangerous. Despite the many deaths that have been the result of this behavior, some continue to do it. Headphones are nice, but can be dangerous as well if they keep us from hearing alerts around us. If we don’t hear the warning, we can’t duck.

All of this technology has its place, and it’s useful. But there is always a trade off. An associate of mine sent me a picture of a dinner he recently attended. There were several company CEOs and senior leaders from various corporations there. It was a chance for ideas to be exchanged, and plans made for the coming year. The picture showed them all sitting around the table looking at their phones, and texting instead of talking. It was astonishing to see them interacting with their phones instead of with those around them, especially when there was such a wealth of experience, and inspiration available right there at the table. I’m sure we’ve all been out with friends, and waited while they texted this person or that, or took every call that came. It’s disheartening to feel that even though we have taken our time for them, they have not taken their time for us.

Today if your’re used to texting throughout the day, and wearing headphones, perhaps go dark for a while. Try being in the moment, where you are. Put your phone down, and connect with those around you. There will be time to catch up with others later. If you’re used to wearing headphones all day, try taking them off for a while to hear the conversations around you, and get involved. Enjoy your gadgets, stay in touch, but remember, while you’re pushing buttons, and texting people who aren’t there, while you’re zoning out to the music in your ears, your life is going by. Precious moments to connect with those right next to you are being missed. Take some time to go dark, unplug, connect, and converse. Interaction in person is the very best we can experience. Enjoy that. Catch your favorite tune, and check your phone later. They’ll still be there.

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Asking For It

20 Jun

A friend of mine goes to dinner every month with several other friends. They enjoy their time together, and have known each other for many years. Their lives are busy, and their monthly dinner is the time they all look forward to catching up with each other, and renewing their friendships.

At these dinners, it’s been customary to have all the orders placed on one check, and then the total divided up evenly between them at the end of the meal. My friend has been uncomfortable with this arrangement because several people order drinks that are very expensive, and a few always order the most costly entrée on the menu. Since her tastes are minimal, and she always orders a salad, it’s been hard for her to justify the enormous expense when the bill is divided up with lobster entrees, several glasses of wine, and cocktails. But she hadn’t said anything for fear of alienating her friends.

That all changed when she joined them this last week. When they were ordering their meals at last week’s gathering, she asked the waiter to please put her order on a separate check. She was nervous about what reaction she would get but as soon as she said it, a few others in the group also asked for separate checks. She was surprised by that, but happy she had chosen what was best for her. The dinner went smoothly, and at the end the checks were given to everyone who asked for one. Nobody seemed concerned about the change in the pattern, and everything was fine. My friend wished she had said something earlier because she could have taken care of this before it became a burden for her. If she had asked for the change when it first began to bother her, she would have been more comfortable.

It is sometimes the case in our lives when something is bothering us that we don’t speak up. There are a lot of reasons why we might stay quiet, but if it’s bothering us, it’s definitely worth talking about. We can direct our lives any way we want to, and in most circumstances, we don’t have to do things the way others expect us to. We can ask for, and get a different scenario. But we won’t get anything we want unless we ask for it. All we have to do is ask. It’s a simple thing, and we are capable of it at any time. We just have to decide when it’s important to us.

Today if you’re going along with something you don’t appreciate, you may ask for a change. You may ask for what you want. You don’t have to say you’re unhappy, you don’t have to say the situation is wrong, you can just ask for what you want. If you do that, odds are better that you’ll get it. If you don’t ask, nothing will change, so you’ve got nothing to lose. Ask for what you want. You are entitled to do things your way. Today, define what that is, and ask for it. You’ll be much happier being in control of your decisions. After all, the choice is yours. Make it the one you want.

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