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Chicken Little

15 May

I have a friend who is a teacher and loves her work. However, her school administration isn’t supportive, and that has hurt her. She had a student who was aggressive, and bullying not only the other students, but her as well. She tried to work with him but it was useless. Fearing for her safety she went to her Principal, and explained the situation. She asked to bring the parents in to discuss the matter, but the principal flatly refused, and told her to work it out herself. She was disappointed in his response, but she had seen this behavior before. Her Principal seemed to be afraid of the students’ parents. He never wanted to call them or address behavior problems with them. One day the boy in my friend’s class pushed her off a step, and she suffered a fractured skull. The school paid for her medical expenses, but even then, refused to contact the parents, and told her not to either. She was very hurt, both physically and emotionally. In time her physical injuries have healed, but she is still hurt by her boss’s behavior. She is also worried about what will happen next.

I work in a large organization that adopts basically the same model as my friend’s school. Fear of lawsuits, and recrimination have created an environment where bad employees are not disciplined, and instead, when they cause trouble are moved to other departments . Of course, moving a problem never solves it. The leadership is afraid of problems with the union, legal complaints, and the additional expense from those, and other complications. So, instead of addressing the problem, they move it. It’s a reflection of where we are as a society, and an overall lack of courage.

Sadly, these are not uncommon stories today. Many are reluctant to address bad behavior. They decide instead to say nothing, and deal with the issue as best they can. In our litigious society where people sue others for ridiculous reasons, trying to avoid the possibility of a lawsuit is understandable. But when situations require correction, despite the risk, it needs to happen. If it doesn’t, it may lead to greater problems.

Each of us, every day, has the opportunity to set an example for excellence. We can choose the better path, and light the way for those who have gotten lost. We may not be able to change a whole mindset, but if we bravely choose the right, if we face each problem and address it appropriately, if we solve issues instead of pushing them around, others will notice. We can choose to address the problems we encounter, and set the standard for solving them instead of looking away. If we can turn the tide in our small area of influence, others will see the change for good, and may choose to address their problems too. Like dominoes falling, if we are diligent, one after the other, those around us may choose the better path. Each of us has more power to influence others than we realize. People watch us. They pay attention more than we think they do. So today, choose to be the difference. Choose to set the standard. And watch what happens.

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Fish or Cut Bait

7 May

We make dozens of decisions each day as we go through our routines, and responsibilities. Time flies by and before we know it, another year has passed. If we are on the road we want to be on, that time may be spent positively pursuing goals or moving toward results we want. If we are on another road, one that isn’t where we want to be, it may be hard to look back, and realize that another year has passed, and we haven’t yet changed our course.

Routines are interesting things. If we stay in them long enough, we don’t even think about them – we automatically just do the next thing. If we aren’t careful, time goes by with us hardly noticing where we’ve been or what we’ve done. And time is a commodity that can never be replaced. Once it’s gone, it’s gone for good. If we are in a routine or a rut in our lives that isn’t bringing us satisfaction, that isn’t rewarding, if we aren’t happy, if we are just going through the motions, we’ve traded valuable time even though we didn’t enjoy it. And we’ll never get it back. So, we need to be awake and aware of what we’re doing. If we’re in a situation where we aren’t happy, the only way to get out of it is to make a change.

Imagine you’re on a fishing boat charter. There are several people on the boat, and everyone is excited about the trip. The captain offers a $100 prize for the person who catches the biggest fish of the day. Needless to say, you want to fish the whole time to increase your odds of winning, but since there are so many of you, and the fishing is good, you’ll need a lot of bait. Everyone must take time away from fishing to cut bait so it will be ready when needed. While you’re taking your turn cutting up the smaller fish and throwing them in the bait bucket, someone catches the biggest fish of the day. You’re excited for them, but you think if you hadn’t been cutting bait you could have been the one to win the prize.

If we are in situations where we aren’t happy, and do nothing to change them, if we are just going through the motions, we are, in essence, cutting bait. We aren’t actively involved in going forward or moving ahead. We aren’t doing what we really want to do. We are not focused on our goals. Some people trade out years of their lives enduring situations that hold them back. They don’t want to do what is needed to correct the situation. Change is hard for most of us, but our lives don’t last forever, so it’s important to look at where we are, and where we want to be. If we want to be happy, we have to be courageous enough to face what we’re doing that needs to change, and then do what it takes to correct our course. We all deserve to be happy but happiness comes from within us. Nobody can give it to us. It doesn’t just happen on its own. We have to give it to ourselves.

So, what’ll it be today? Will you fish or cut bait? Will you choose the road you really want to be on? Will you choose happiness? The choice is always there. We can change any time we want to – we just need to make the decision. This life goes by in an instant. If you’ve been stuck, start today. Go forward, put your face in the wind, focus on your future with your eyes firmly placed in the present. Today is the perfect day for it. No matter what is going on, today is the perfect day to start.

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Line in the Sand

26 Apr

We all have limits and there comes a time when they arrive. We’ve had enough. We’re done. We’re drawing the line in the sand. We aren’t going any further. Maybe this happens in our romantic relationships, maybe it concerns work, and maybe it’s a family situation we can’t tolerate anymore. Whatever the reason, we’ve reached our limit, and we are done. We’re over it.

Drawing a line in the sand doesn’t mean we are at a full stop. It means we want to change our direction. Our course needs to be corrected. The path we’ve been on, and the things we’ve been doing aren’t working. They are causing us heartache, or pain, or both. We took it as long as we could, and now we have to change. There is nothing wrong with changing our courses, and ending a situation we can no longer tolerate. We are in charge of ourselves, and we get to choose when, and how we want to proceed.

But before we throw our hands up, and say “ENOUGH!”, and make the decision to turn completely away, we should first take some time to identify exactly what we want in the long run. Sometimes we don’t have to totally end what we’re doing to get there, and a modification is all that’s called for. We can adjust the plan, we can amend the decision, and we can turn a little to the right or to the left to fix things. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of communicating more effectively. Sometimes it’s a transient situation that will work itself out, and we are over reacting. Sometimes we’re just tired of waiting for things to change, and our patience has worn thin. We may not want to stop everything in its tracks, but it seems like the only answer.

Are you fed up with a situation in your life? Have you had enough of dealing with it, waiting for it, coping with it, and are thinking about drawing that line in the sand? Take a moment to think objectively about the results of walking away before you plunge ahead. Be sure the end result is what you want. If it is, go for it. Walk away. Tear off the rear view mirror, and proceed ahead. But if the end result isn’t where you want to go, think about the situation again, and see if there’s a way to alter your course so that you can stay in, and still be comfortable. There is nothing wrong with drawing a line in the sand. Nothing at all. Just be sure before you make the decision you understand where it will take you. And remember, proceed with caution. Once you make the change, nothing will be the same.

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What happens next?

19 Apr

What would you do if someone unfairly and maliciously insulted you in front of your friends? What would you do if someone took credit for your idea at work? What would you do if someone you loved hurt you to serve themselves? What would you do if someone lied to you and caused you to lose something you valued? What would you do if you discovered that a friend or loved one betrayed you?

All of these scenarios could happen to you. Some of them may have already happened to you. Unfortunately, we can’t control any choices other people make. We can’t control what they do or don’t do. We can’t control what happens to us as a result of those choices. When it comes to dealing with others, if they choose to hurt us, lie to us, betray us – we really can’t do anything to stop them. They may choose to do whatever they want to, and if that means hurting us, they may choose that as well.

But we can control what happens next – at least as far as our behavior is concerned. It is very hard to deal with being treated unfairly, and our first instinct might be to fight back. Fighting fire with fire might work, but it’s not always the best option. Sometimes it just makes the situation worse, and causes more hurt feelings on both sides. So if we don’t return back exactly what’s been done to us, do we have to just take it? Should we do nothing? No. We have options. But choosing the right one takes a little thought.

What if for every injustice, we offered back the opposite of what we received. For anger, we could offer kindness. For jealousy, we could offer acceptance. For selfishness, we could offer charity. For greed, we could offer generosity. For lies, we could offer honesty. If we offer these things in return for the pain, there is a good chance that the person who hurt us will be touched by our consideration and understanding. They may see the error of what they’ve done, and use our example to change. And if they do, that change would most probably be positive. It won’t happen every time, but if our example helps even one person to change for the better, it’s worth the cost.

We’re all going to be hurt by others at times. Sometimes the hurt will be exquisitely painful, devastating even, and it will be hard to turn the other cheek and offer back something better. It will not be easy. But becoming the best person we can be is never easy. We have to rise above the pain, and see the bigger picture. We have to decide that it’s worth it. We have to choose to reach higher. So today, make a choice. Do you want to return fire with fire, or do you want to change the situation and make it better? There is nobility in all of us. Recognize yours. Express it when things go wrong. Embrace it when you get hurt. And show it off to the world. It really is your finest feature.

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What’s the good news?

14 Apr

When my children were younger and would come to me upset or angry about something that was going on, I would listen patiently and wait until they finished complaining and griping. And then I would look at them and say, “I understand. I can see that you’re upset. What’s the good news?” When I first started doing this, their immediate response was that THERE WAS NO GOOD NEWS! And then they would continue their tirade, at which time I would listen patiently, and when they were done again, I would look at them and say, “Yes, I still understand the problem. And we can talk about it, but what’s the good news?” After going through this process with them through several problems as they came and went, they learned that before they came to me to complain and tell me their horrible story, they would have to be prepared with something, anything, from the situation that would be positive, and that could somehow be construed as good news. Eventually when they came to me angry and upset, often before they would get to the end of their story, they would smile and say, “I know, I know, what’s the good news?” and then they would begrudgingly proceed to tell me what they were learning from what was going on. Looking for and preparing to explain something positive from all the negative they were experiencing helped them diffuse the situation themselves, and think more clearly.

We all face periods of disappointment and grief, frustration and anxiety, sheer anger, and disgust. But in each situation, if we take some time to think about it, there is something that can be learned that can benefit us. If someone insults us, makes us feel small, or offends us, perhaps the only good news is that we lived to tell the tale! Or maybe the good news is that we held our tongues, and let them make spectacles of themselves being rude and offensive, while we maintained our self control. Maybe the good news is that we decided their comments were inaccurate, and we weren’t going to internalize them, and make them bigger than what they really were – just opinions. Generally in times like these, in uncomfortable situations, there is a lesson we can learn that can benefit us. We can learn to be more patient, to be gracious despite the barbs, to extend the hand of friendship even when someone has been rude. Every situation is different, but generally there is something beneficial for us if we look for it.

Today if you encounter a difficult situation, if you interact with someone who isn’t nice to you or frankly rude to you, if you are the recipient of someone else’s anger, think about the situation and see if you can’t figure out what the good news is. Because surely there is something there. And if we can rearrange our feelings when we’re going through times like these, when we’re feeling bad, when we’re feeling attacked, if can rearrange them to looking for the things we can learn, then we become the victor. We prevail. It’s all about our attitude. We can choose to return anger for anger, or we can choose to rise a little higher. Find the one thing that you can learn from the experience that will make you better. It’s there. You just need to open your mind and look for it. And when you find it you’ll probably discover that you feel better, more at peace, and able to let the discomfort go. You’ll be in control of yourself, and able to see the situation more objectively, and that’s always a good thing. What’s the good news? Today, look for it. And when you find it, be happy knowing that you changed everything!

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