Archive | May, 2015

Burning Bridges

16 May

Bridges are great when you need to cross over to get somewhere else. We can’t drive through the river, but we can drive across the bridge over the river to get to our destination. Our relationships with others are like bridges too. We need the people in our lives to make the connections that take us where we want to go, help us get to our goals, and bring us happiness. Sometimes those connections are personal, sometimes they are professional, and sometimes they are emotional. Without our personal bridges, we stand alone.

I had a friend several years ago who had a great job. He liked what he was doing but got involved in a romantic relationship with one of the founders of the company. Things didn’t work out, and their relationship ended badly. After that, he said nothing he did was ever good enough, and then one day during a big meeting, he lost his temper, said some horrible things to her and the others in the room, and walked out, never to return. Afterward he regretted what had happened, and I asked him if there was any way to repair the situation. He said, “Nope. I’ve burned that bridge.”

As we navigate our lives, there will surely be times when others will hurt us, and damage our relationships with them. They do things we can’t accept, or they say things we can’t forget. Sometimes we decide the damage is too great, and we decide to end all contact with them. We are too hurt to allow them to stay in our lives. So, we burn that bridge. We cast it up in flames, say goodbye, and decide we’ll never come back.

But life is funny. As we go forward, we may find ourselves looping back around to where we were despite our best efforts. Our jobs change, and suddenly that person you severed all ties with becomes your co-worker, or worse yet, your boss. Or you move to a new location, you start over, and then you see that person who hurt you so badly is your new neighbor. What will you do now?

Burning bridges is a dangerous game. We never know where our lives will take us. We cannot read the future. We don’t know what developments lay ahead. It’s possible that the bridge you’ve burned will return to your life in a way that you’ll need to re-establish the connection. And if you’ve really turned away, it may be hard to reconnect. People come and go out of our lives all the time. It seems wiser then, instead of burning a bridge, to simply take a step back away from it.

Today if you face a situation where someone has crossed a line you cannot tolerate, where someone has gone too far, and you feel like extricating them completely from your life from here forward, you may want to burn that bridge. You may want to tell them off, tell them you are done, and tell them never, ever, ever to come near you again. Before you do that though, take a moment and think carefully. Perhaps the better choice is just to keep your distance from them for a time. Just walk away for a while. You don’t want them in your life as they are now, and you need space from them. But don’t burn the bridge – they may change, your lives will certainly change, and you never know what the future will bring. Leave the door open a little for now. Then if they return back into your life, you can decide how far you will let them in. And the bridge to allow that will still be there. Burning bridges is a dangerous game. Be careful how you play it.

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Chicken Little

15 May

I have a friend who is a teacher and loves her work. However, her school administration isn’t supportive, and that has hurt her. She had a student who was aggressive, and bullying not only the other students, but her as well. She tried to work with him but it was useless. Fearing for her safety she went to her Principal, and explained the situation. She asked to bring the parents in to discuss the matter, but the principal flatly refused, and told her to work it out herself. She was disappointed in his response, but she had seen this behavior before. Her Principal seemed to be afraid of the students’ parents. He never wanted to call them or address behavior problems with them. One day the boy in my friend’s class pushed her off a step, and she suffered a fractured skull. The school paid for her medical expenses, but even then, refused to contact the parents, and told her not to either. She was very hurt, both physically and emotionally. In time her physical injuries have healed, but she is still hurt by her boss’s behavior. She is also worried about what will happen next.

I work in a large organization that adopts basically the same model as my friend’s school. Fear of lawsuits, and recrimination have created an environment where bad employees are not disciplined, and instead, when they cause trouble are moved to other departments . Of course, moving a problem never solves it. The leadership is afraid of problems with the union, legal complaints, and the additional expense from those, and other complications. So, instead of addressing the problem, they move it. It’s a reflection of where we are as a society, and an overall lack of courage.

Sadly, these are not uncommon stories today. Many are reluctant to address bad behavior. They decide instead to say nothing, and deal with the issue as best they can. In our litigious society where people sue others for ridiculous reasons, trying to avoid the possibility of a lawsuit is understandable. But when situations require correction, despite the risk, it needs to happen. If it doesn’t, it may lead to greater problems.

Each of us, every day, has the opportunity to set an example for excellence. We can choose the better path, and light the way for those who have gotten lost. We may not be able to change a whole mindset, but if we bravely choose the right, if we face each problem and address it appropriately, if we solve issues instead of pushing them around, others will notice. We can choose to address the problems we encounter, and set the standard for solving them instead of looking away. If we can turn the tide in our small area of influence, others will see the change for good, and may choose to address their problems too. Like dominoes falling, if we are diligent, one after the other, those around us may choose the better path. Each of us has more power to influence others than we realize. People watch us. They pay attention more than we think they do. So today, choose to be the difference. Choose to set the standard. And watch what happens.

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The Only Policy

14 May

A man in Texas recently went to an estate sale, and bought an old chest of drawers for $100. As he was loading it onto his vehicle with the help of someone running the sale, they heard all kinds of metallic clanging coming from the bottom of the chest. It turned out there was a secret compartment in it. There was a hidden drawer filled with currency, jewelry, emeralds and diamonds, military dog tags, and Civil War memorabilia. It was an incredible stash of treasure hidden in an old piece of furniture.

Upon seeing all the valuable pieces, the buyer said he never imagined keeping them. He said they belonged to the original owner of the chest who had inherited it from his grandparents. Instead of greedily claiming the treasure for himself, he said, “This is fantastic. Let’s call the owner, and get the stuff back to them.” The owner was astounded when he was told of the find, and had no idea there was anything hidden in the chest.

I’ve been thinking about this, and the decision made by the man who bought the chest. Despite the obvious worth of the items hidden inside, he returned them to the original owner. It could be argued that he owned the items after having purchased the chest, and there is that old saying, “finders keepers.” But that saying has little worth. If it wasn’t ours when it was lost, it isn’t ours when we find it, unless there is no way to find the real owner. What would you have done? Would you have been tempted to keep the loot? Would you have mentioned it to anyone? You could have kept the pieces or sold them and made some fast cash. Would you have done that?

It is said that if you want to know what someone is really like, find out what they do when nobody is watching. I think that’s true. We might believe that if nobody knows what we’re doing when we’re doing something questionable, where’s the harm? Of course, the harm is that whether anyone else knows or not, we know what we’ve done. And we have to live with each decision we make. There is no way to hide from ourselves. What we do is always there. We have to face it every single day.

There is no such thing as being too honest. There is no sliding scale for honesty, despite what some may say. Being honest is like being pregnant, you either are, or you aren’t. Whatever we choose, determines who we are. Even if nobody else knows what we’re doing, we know, and it colors our behaviors from there forward. If we’re honest in all our dealings, we can face ourselves openly, and with confidence. If we’re shady, and deceptive, it may be harder to look in the mirror.

Today if you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose to be honest, and it’s a hard choice, choose it anyway. Take the high road. Be above reproach. You will never regret making an honest choice. They say that “honesty is the best policy.” Well, that’s partially true. Actually, if we want to be truly happy, honesty is the only policy worth living. Choose well.

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Treasure Chest

13 May

Our society seems obsessed with celebrity. There are dozens of reality shows featuring celebrities supposedly filmed in their regular lives, which as it turns out, generally aren’t regular at all. Every tabloid, every magazine, every periodical is covered with their faces, and stories about their escapades. They are often dysfunctional people, and stories of their troubles are endless. The extravagant excesses of their lifestyles are nearly unbelievable.

As we read about these people, and see them on television, the message seems to be that this is what we should be aiming for. We should seek riches, buy only the finest things, and serve ourselves. The ads we see showing these ideals always feature happy, smiling people. We just have to be rich, buy new cars, bigger homes, and send our children to only the finest private schools. Then we’ll be happy.

But happiness has never had anything to do with money or riches. It’s true, money can buy anything but poverty, but it’s also true that rich or poor, we are who we are. If we are happy and content, if we are thankful when we have little, we will probably be happy, content, and thankful if we get more. And so it follows that if we are miserable complainers who constantly find fault when we have little, we will probably be miserable complainers who constantly find fault when we have more. The monetary things we own do not change who we are inside. They can’t. What happens outside of us may make us more comfortable in the immediate future, but eventually our true selves emerge.

The secret to life isn’t getting more treasure, and seeking after riches. The secret to life is learning to live happily, and gratefully, no matter what circumstance we’re in. Having few possessions, and little money doesn’t mean we must be miserable. If we can be grateful for what we have, no matter how little or how much, we will be happy. A humble meal shared with those we love can be more fun than a meal at a four star restaurant. Time in the park throwing a Frisbee with friends can be as enjoyable as a formal gala.

Racing to get the most, get the best, and get to it first is exhausting, and will not bring joy. If we are thankful for what we have, and enjoy every moment of every day, exactly where we are, we will find happiness. Some years will be lean, some years will be full, it’s the nature of life. But no matter where we are, there is much for which to be grateful.

Today when you walk through the store and see all the splashy pictures of the rich and famous, try to remember that your life is valuable just as it is. It’s good, and it’s worthwhile. It’s the most important thing you have. Be grateful for it. It’s worth more than anything that can be bought. In fact, it’s priceless.

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Free Space

12 May

Our world is a busy place. We have a lot to do every day, and no matter how much we get done, there is more waiting for us. We are glued to our smart phones, iPads, day planners, and calendars. We constantly check our email, voice mail, Twitter, and Facebook, and a dozen other things. It’s an invasive and constant situation. Of course, life hasn’t always been this way, but the technology age is here, and whether we like it or not, we are part of it. When we add our daily routines of work, chores, errands, gym, walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning up, and everything else we have to do, it gets exhausting, and can be overwhelming. After a time we need a break.

Taking time for ourselves is not just an option, it’s a necessity. We need to plan for time down, without the electronics, without the phone, without the pressure. Just time to recharge, and rest. For some of us that may include time spent with family or friends. Or it might mean an outing to a museum, or gallery. We might decide to stay home, and just veg on the couch with a good book. If we have the time and resources, it could mean a vacation trip to someplace we’ve always wanted to go. Whatever it means to us, whatever it takes to rejuvenate ourselves, that’s what we need.

But in order to make it happen, we need to plan for it. We need to write it in our day planners, enter it into our smart phones, and if we’re working, we need to request the time off. Once we have it planned we must commit that no matter what happens, outside of a natural disaster, atomic explosion or death, we will follow through, and take the time.

I have a family member who works constantly. He is always extremely busy with one project or another. He makes lots of plans, and he completes them. He goes to his regular job during the day, and when he finishes there, he starts working on the project of the month. He is always coming up with new and ingenious ideas, which are great, but he seems unable to see that all he does is work. He is not married because he doesn’t have time to date. He doesn’t go on vacation because he has too much to do and can’t ‘find’ the time. He rarely visits his family because he doesn’t want to stop the progress he’s making on item A, B, or C. He works constantly. As a result, he is always tired, and he has few friends. He isn’t happy with his life like it is, but he says working this hard now will ensure that in the future he’ll have the freedom he wants. Well, that might happen. Or he might find that this will become his lifelong model, and he’ll never stop to get to that freedom.

No matter how much we do, we will never be completely done with what comes next. Life is a continuous process. There is no end until we die. Work will expand to fill the time we give it – no matter how much time that encompasses. We can work 24/7 if we like, and we still won’t be done. So, either we control the work or the work controls us. If the work is controlling us, when do we get to live our lives?

Plan for time down. Plan for it. And then take it. Take the time you need to recharge your batteries. Turn off the phone. Turn off the computer. Shut down the iPad. Forget about Twitter feeds, and what’s happening on Facebook. Go outside. Take a walk. Take a nap. Go skateboarding. Go surfing. Play tennis. Do whatever makes you happy. Take time apart from your usual schedule to restore. If we can do this regularly, we will have more energy when we return to our busy lives, more excitement for what we’re doing, and more happiness in the long run. This life will take everything we give it. We need to make sure we give something back to ourselves.

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