One day at a time.

8 Apr

Some time ago, a young pregnant friend discovered that the baby she was carrying had a chromosomal defect that runs in her husband’s family. Five months pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. It was sad. It was devastating. They didn’t know what to do. Her husband was riddled with guilt because the defect came from him. She was lost in grief and sadness. Neither of them knew what to do, how to process this horrifying change, how to go forward.

Time went by and as it did, they began to heal. They found joy again, and were able to laugh. They got through their grief and began again to plan for a family. It took serious courage for them to even consider opening that door again, and they sought the advice and counsel of genetic professionals on whether or not they should proceed. They learned that the odds of having another child with this same anomaly were low, so they decided to try again. Now, there is another baby on the way. They are hopeful and determined. The experiences they’ve gone through have made them stronger, more willing and able to face what might come, and they are looking forward with confidence.

Life. It can be joyous one moment, perfect almost, and then things can change and your world can be turned upside down. Although we often can’t do anything about the changes that come to us, we can learn, as we go, how to cope with them. I was sad for my friends watching them go through such a terrible disappointment. It was hard to understand and accept. But this life is fleeting. If we take an eternal view, this really is just a moment. And if we take it moment by moment, we can manage whatever comes our way. We can, if we look, find joy even in sorrow. Things will change. Nothing is permanent, not even sadness. There are still good things to come. Sometimes it’s difficult to look up when we feel so down. We have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time. But no matter how we manage it, things will change, and we will get through whatever we’re facing. The only real thing we can count on in this life is that no matter what you’re going through now, it will change. Change is inevitable. When we are hurt and suffering, we want the change to come immediately. But change comes in its own way, on its own timetable. So moment by moment, step by step, we navigate until things improve.

We’re all going to suffer at some point. We’re all going to face disappointment, sometimes serious disappointment. But look up. There are still good things to come. Today is just today. Just do today. Tomorrow will be different.

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And so it goes.

8 Apr

Sometimes things don’t always go the way we plan. There is a saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, make plans.” We’ve all experienced times in our lives when we’ve made what we thought were good, tight plans, only to see them go horribly awry. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Everything in life is fluid and that is constant, which seems to be an oxymoron – fluidity is constant. But it’s true. We can’t predict what other people will do, we can’t predict what will happen, we can’t even predict the weather with any real surety. So we plan, and we hope that those plans will go the way we want them to.

I just returned from vacation. Vacation, as I’m sure you know, is a time when you’re supposed to relax, have fun, change locations, spend time with people you love, laugh a lot, recharge…those sorts of things. Yeah, well my vacation didn’t exactly work out that way. I planned this vacation because my job was very stressful and I really needed a break. I was tired and overworked, overwhelmed with all my responsibilities, and I really, really needed and wanted a week to kick back, and have fun.

I did change locations, and went to a beach to spend some time on the shore listening to the waves, watch the dolphins cavort in the surf, walk in the sand, feel the ocean breeze – all wonderful ways to spend the days. But the camaraderie of friends was sadly missing. Oh I went with friends and a relative, and had high hopes for lots of fun. But instead of fun there was tension, instead of relaxation, there was stress. Unfortunately, one person in our group was unhappy in her life, and you know that old saying that misery loves company? Well, she evidently made it her mantra for the entire trip. I tried to keep things light, because in a situation like that it doesn’t help to confront, and escalate the problem. I listened with patience to the complaints, accepted the criticisms with grace, and made my way through the week. It wasn’t all bad, and there were moments of peace, but it just wasn’t the fun I had hoped for. It wasn’t the break I wanted, and it certainly wasn’t the respite I needed. At the end of the week I was relieved to finally say goodbye and go home. When I got home I was exhausted, and wished I had never gone on “vacation.”

So, sometimes things don’t go the way we plan. Sometimes they don’t go well. Sometimes they go horribly wrong. But no matter what life gives us, we can choose to get bogged down in the mess we find ourselves facing, or we can take a breath, wait a moment, and choose to look up and be the light. My trip was not fun, but I’m happy that I chose to be the light while there. It wasn’t easy, but I knew if I let myself fall into the mire of the discontent of others, it would be worse. At least if I chose to be kind, to be supportive, I could feel good about myself. So with each rude comment I smiled and said something pleasant. With each complaint I listened with patience and offered a positive suggestion. I tried to be an example, and I tried to show acceptance and love.

We all have the choice every day to be the one to make things better. We don’t always have to defend ourselves, we don’t always have to point out where someone is wrong. Sometimes, we can let it go, and just set a higher example. This life is a gift. Every single day is a gift. It is best to rejoice more than complain, to comfort more than confront, to love more than to judge. Today when things go wrong, when you hear complaints, when you find disappointment, try to keep it in perspective. It’s not the end of the world as we know it, it probably won’t matter in a few days, and everything will be different tomorrow. Fluidity is constant. Look up. You got this.

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United we stand.

7 Apr

People are complicated.  There is an unlimited supply of versions to our lives.  Everyone has their own interpretation of what is best for them and what they want, and of course, everyone in their sphere also has an interpretation of what is best for them and what they should have.  We all have friends and family who are eager to give us advice and counsel, and sometimes that advice is helpful, sometimes not, and sometimes it’s just annoying.  We have the right to direct our own lives, and even if we ask for advice, we don’t have to take it.  We are really the only ones who know the whole story, and in the end the decision is ours to make.

When we’re making decisions, it’s important to consider everything, especially if the decision is a big one.  How do we feel about it?  How will it impact our future?  What will it cost – not just in money, although that sometimes enters in.  But also the cost of our time and effort.  What will we have to give up to make the change?  Is it worth the effort?  Is it what we really want?  Are we sure?  There are countless questions that come up and we have to address them all.  Ignoring them will not make them go away.  If we don’t consider everything and just go ahead with a decision, we could find ourselves second guessing it forever.  Even when we think we’re sure we know what we want, there can be complications.

I have a friend with a horrible job.  By anyone’s standards her job is horrible.  The location is bad as well.  She says she wants very much to find a better job and move to a better location.  She’s asked all her friends for advice and help to make this happen.  But she’s neglected to even apply for jobs referred to her, and when she does get an interview she doesn’t prepare for it or she goes improperly dressed.  Many people have offered to help her prepare, given her advice on how to dress, and offered to help her apply for new jobs.  But the offers largely go ignored.  Needless to say, she’s still in her horrible job.  Even though she says she wants these changes, it’s obvious that she hasn’t done what she’s needed to do in order to facilitate them.

If we’re going to make a decision, we have to pull in the whole team – our internal team.  We have to face our fears, address our needs, see how we feel, decide if we’re really committed to the change, and determine if we will do what it will take to make the decision.  We can’t ignore anything.  We have to look at everything and ‘open all the drawers’ so to speak.  Once we’ve done that, pulled everything together, and are united in moving forward, we can stand firm in our decision knowing this is what we really want, and we will persevere in order to achieve it.  That’s the beginning.  And you can’t reach any destination unless you begin.

Life goes by whether you’re happy or not, rich or poor, young or old.  It goes by fast.  If we don’t like where we are it’s our responsibility to change our situation.  Nobody can do it for us.  There are times when we wish they could, but we have to do it ourselves.  If we take some time to think about what we really want and what it will take to get there, and then take the time to unite ourselves to make the change, we can change just about anything in our lives we want to.  Are you thinking about making a change?  Have you been hesitating?  Now is the time.  Don’t wait another moment to get where you want to be.  Begin now.

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Are you for real?

6 Apr

One day I went out to sit on my patio and enjoy the afternoon air. I looked across the yard and saw the most amazing tiny birds flying in and out of my honeysuckle. We have a lot of hummingbirds where I live, but these didn’t look like those. I had no idea what they were. They were beautiful – all black and white, and there were dozens of them. I watched in amazement for a little while, and then decided to go inside and get my binoculars so I could see them up close without disturbing them. I got the binoculars and sat back down, ready to look at the incredible tiny birds in my garden, and you can imagine my surprise when upon seeing them up close I realized they weren’t tiny birds at all. They were moths. Moths. Big, black and white moths. Suddenly I was no longer impressed and they were no longer amazing, because in my mind, they had morphed from something unique to something common. I mean, really, who is impressed by moths? Did it change they way they looked – no. Did it change the way they flew around – no. The only thing that changed was me. In our lives we can sometimes mistake “moths” for something beautiful and rare. Sometimes we make those mistakes with the people we interact with. We meet someone new, and for some reason they captivate us, draw us in, and we think they’re amazing. But sometimes that initial attraction fades as we get to know them and see them for who they really are. It’s impossible to know someone well when they are new to us. When we meet new people, most of us put our best foot forward. We want to make a good impression, especially if the person we are meeting has the ability to positively affect our lives. Maybe it’s a new boss, a new date, a friend’s family member, our new in-laws, a physician or even a new co-worker. We want them to like us so we’re careful, and we try hard to look good. There is nothing wrong with that. But over time it’s impossible to keep trying so hard to be perfect and eventually who we really are – flaws and all – will shine through. We are all moths in our own ways, BUT we are all also beautiful birds in our own ways. When we feel drawn to someone new, we may only be seeing their “bird” side and not the other. Eventually we’ll see them as they really are. Nobody is perfect and it’s important that we live in the real world. So learning who someone really is moves us forward in our relationship with them. It’s important to see them for real. And it’s important for them to see us for real. I really wish I was taller, I wish I was younger, I wish I was better looking, and I wish I was more perfect. But who I am now is enough. I am the best I can be right now. Tomorrow I might do better or I might falter. But day by day, being genuinely who we are, is where we need to be. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Nothing is more attractive than that.

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I was just kidding.

5 Apr

I had a friend some years ago that I enjoyed doing things with.  She was interesting and fun, and we had a lot of laughs. I enjoyed being with her but only until someone else joined us.  Whenever someone else was with us, she would criticize me continually, make fun of me, and generally make me look like a fool.  I would ask her about this afterward and she always said the same thing, “I was just kidding.”  Hmm.

Tonight on the phone I was talking to a friend who was very stressed out about a party she was planning, and made a comment about another friend we have.  I know this person quite well and he is notorious for making bad decisions.  I said something about being careful trusting his decisions because we’ve seen where they can go.  She laughed and said, “Well that’s just because you always think the worst of everyone.”  I told her that wasn’t a very nice thing to say to me and it certainly wasn’t true.  “Oh I was just kidding,” she said.  Hmm again.

There are a lot of people who make cutting remarks, criticize, and say uncomplimentary things, and then excuse their behavior by saying they were just kidding.  It really isn’t funny to do these things, and it’s not an appropriate way to kid around with people we are supposed to care about and like.  I’ve been thinking about this behavior and wondering what fuels it.  Is it because the other person is stressed out, like my friend tonight?  Is it because the other person doesn’t like something about us but isn’t brave enough to say so?  Is it because there is a jealousy issue?  I really don’t know what the reasons are but I have known a few people over the course of my life who have adopted this “just kidding” mantra when they hurt other people’s feelings.

My friend from years ago – I eventually ended my association with her because I didn’t like the way she treated me when others were around.  I got tired of her “kidding.”  So, because she couldn’t stop, she lost a friend to spend time with.  Is it worth the cost of a friendship to say hurtful things in passing, covering it up with that phrase?  Is it worth losing a friend?  I don’t think so.

Life can be complicated and difficult.  It can be stressful and we all make mistakes.  We trust our friends to be there when the going gets rough, and we rely on them to have our backs.  As friends, we should do those things as well.  It seems it would be best not to fall into the “just kidding” trap.  We should be respectful, supportive, and truthful.  Our friends depend on us the same way we depend on them.  We should be the ones that set the standard.  We should be the best friends we can be.  Friendship is a great gift.  It’s not something to be squandered and toyed with.  It’s a gift.  We should treasure it. And that’s no kidding.

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