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Proof

11 Oct

Most of us want to be good friends and good partners.  We want to be reliable and helpful, and we want those around us to know we’ll be there if they need us.  Building good relationships depends on how we keep our word and follow through.  If we say we’ll be there, we need to show up.  If we don’t, our credibility becomes doubtful.  If this becomes a pattern, we will damage the relationship, and in the end we may lose it altogether.  There is an old saying that the proof is in the pudding.  It means even if someone tells us the pudding is good, we have to taste it for ourselves to find out.  With us, it means what we do proves who we really are.  If we say we’re going to be there for those close to us and aren’t, there is no proof that we will follow through.  There is no proof that we’re reliable and can be counted on.  And if we aren’t honest about that, it casts doubt on everything else we say.

There are some people who say things they don’t mean, and make promises they don’t intend to keep.  Sometimes it’s because they aren’t trustworthy.  Sometimes it’s because they don’t care, and sometimes it’s because they’re irresponsible.  The reasons really don’t matter.  If they give us their word and then don’t follow through, we learn they can’t be trusted.  And trust is imperative in any relationship.  Without it, there is little hope it can continue.  Since we can’t know the future, if someone gives us their word on something, we rely on it and believe them.  If they don’t follow through, the next time they give their word will have less credibility.  We may try to trust them again, but if they let us down repeatedly, it’s impossible to go forward.

When those we love continually break their promises, offering constant excuses, our feelings for them will be affected.  It hurts to be let down again and again, and it makes us feel unimportant.  But we are important and we need to feel that way in our close relationships.  If we keep getting hurt, if they keep breaking their word, we may learn to distance ourselves so we can be protected from additional pain.  If we’re the ones who don’t follow through, and keep breaking our word, we may lose.  Close relationships take time to build.  Letting them falter because we can’t be dependable is heartbreaking.  We need to pay attention.  If we say we’ll be there, we need to be there.

Today, do everything you can to follow through on what you’ve said.  Be dependable, and let those close to you know they can rely on you.  If you’ve been hurt from someone else breaking their word again and again, think about the situation objectively and determine the best course for you going forward.  You are important, and you are valuable.  Make your decisions based on that, and remember you are worth the very best of everything.

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What do you see?

17 Jun

People who witness crimes, and are interviewed by police often have very different stories about what happened. Their descriptions of the perpetrator tend to vary widely – some say he had brown hair, some say he was wearing a hat, some say he was tall, and others say he was average height. There is always a lot of discrepancy between those seeing the same event. The event only went one way. Why are there so many different stories? We all have our own slant on things, our own spectrum through which we see things. Perhaps the angle is slightly different, or the light is a little brighter in different places. Sometimes we think we see things that aren’t even there. There is a lot going on in our heads, and during times of excitement, that can alter what we perceive.

I read a funny article about some ridiculous answers students gave for test questions. One really caught my eye. The question was posed as a statement, “Define hard water.” The student’s answer was “ice.” I laughed because although this was not the answer the teacher was looking for, it was accurate. Ice is, in essence, hard water. The student’s understanding of what was being asked was skewed by their perception of the question. Our lives are that way. We understand things depending on where we are, and what we’re doing.

Sometimes we misunderstand messages that others give us because our perception isn’t in the same place as theirs. A simple gesture can be misconstrued to be something entirely different than it was intended to mean. A word can be said and taken out of context, and misunderstandings happen. We are complicated beings. Our lives are busy, and our minds are actively processing a lot of information all the time. It’s easy to miss a cue, and misinterpret something. It’s important to recognize that, and get the clarification we need before we make judgments.

Today if you think someone has said or done something that has offended you, clarify the situation before you accept it. You may have misunderstood. Ask questions, and find out if what you think happened is accurate. Sometimes the sun is in our eyes, or there is something blocking our view. Clarification will correct the situation. Don’t make assumptions. Get answers. Understanding what is really happening is important. Understanding is the key. Use that key to unlock the truth.

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Burn Me Once

12 Jun

There is a saying, “Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.” The meaning is pretty obvious – when someone hurts us the first time, it’s on them. But if we let them hurt us a second time, it’s on us. That’s true sometimes, but not always. It’s generally more complex than this. As people, we aren’t really that predictable, and there are always complications. We can be in situations where we get hurt, but because of the relationship dynamic, we allow the person who hurt us to remain close enough to hurt us again. Sometimes it’s because they are related to us, and cutting them off isn’t really a viable option. Sometimes it’s because we love them, and have faith in them. Sometimes it’s because we have a relationship with them that’s important to our lives. And sometimes, it’s because we’re afraid to let them go.

People make mistakes all the time. I make them, and you make them. We aren’t perfect, and we falter. It’s the normal course of things as we learn. We run into problems when we make the same mistakes over and over, or we allow others to hurt us the same way again and again. Relationships aren’t always easy, and the decisions we make in them are not always black or white. Sometimes it’s unclear how we should proceed. Sometimes we aren’t sure. We don’t want to be hurt again, but we don’t know how to go forward. And sometimes it’s easier to pretend that everything is okay even when we’re not happy. The problem with pretending is that it isn’t reality, and eventually that catches up with us. When that happens, we have to face the true situation head on.

We deserve the very best from ourselves, and from those around us. We won’t always give it, or get it, but we can try to do our part. If we offend someone we care about, we need to recognize what we’ve done, and make it right. And the same is true for those around us. However, sometimes those who have offended us are not aware of our feelings. When that happens, it’s up to us to tell them what’s going on. We can do it calmly, and politely. We will get the point across more effectively if we are not angry when we have the discussion. Then if the offense happens again, if we are hurt again, we can decide if we want to continue the relationship. It’s not easy to change relationships, but it isn’t impossible. We are the ones in control of our lives. If we are getting hurt, and we do nothing, we will be unhappy. We deserve to be happy. We deserve the very best.

Today if you’re being hurt, speak up. Explain how you feel, and do your part to improve the relationship. If nothing changes, and you continue to be hurt, remember that you are valuable. You deserve to be happy. Make the best choice possible to ensure that you will be. Happiness is a gift we give to ourselves. Give it to yourself today. You deserve it.

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The Simple Life

23 May

There is a lot to be said for a simple life. A life lived without complications, without drama, without intrigue – a simple, straightforward existence. Of course, we can only control some of the complications, drama, and intrigue that come into our lives. We live in a world with other people – friends, family, acquaintances, clients – and they all come in and out of our lives on a regular basis. There are all kinds of people, all over the place. They complicate and compliment our lives. And their choices can affect our lives.

Since we can’t control what anyone else does, and we can’t always control circumstances, it’s in our best interest to control what we can. We have a choice each day as to how we will navigate what comes to us. We can face our challenges with a calm demeanor, or we can over react, get intense, and have a more difficult time. It isn’t always easy to be calm, it isn’t always easy to control our emotions, but if we work at it, we can find a place where we feel more comfortable in times of stress.

I have a friend who loves drama. Everything that happens to her is a big deal. Every disappointment is the end of the world. Every situation she gets involved in is filled with drama. She seems to need the stress, and conflict in her life. If she gets involved in a situation where there isn’t any intensity, she creates it. She feeds on the struggle, the intrigue of guessing, and the anxiety of potential disaster. She is rarely even tempered, rarely truthful about what is really going on, and makes up stories to spice up every situation. It’s exhausting to be near her. It’s challenging to work with her. And it’s nearly impossible to trust her.

It’s much more advisable to see, and accept things as they really are. Not hiding when it’s difficult, not pretending the situation is different, not making up stories about what is real – just facing reality as it exists. This is always the best course. It sounds simple, but sometimes our reality is not what where we want to be. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend that it’s different than it really is. But if we want to live an honest, noble life, we have to live it cleanly. Without illusion, without drama, and without exaggeration. We have to live it as it really is.

Today, if you feel the need to pad a situation to make it more palatable, or to cover up what is really happening, think again. No matter what the issue is, facing it openly, scars and all, is the best option. Making up false pretense complicates our lives, and makes it more difficult in the end. What is real is all we need to face. Face that. Keep your eyes wide open. Facing true reality brings us confidence. And with confidence there is no need to dress anything up. It is what it is. And that’s just fine. You can manage that.

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Truth is Truth

1 May

My brother is very smart. He has a high IQ, and he knows a lot of things, but he’s somewhat lazy. When he was in college he took a complex class in physics, and the professor had a policy that if the students were taking an exam and could not answer a question, they could write “Truth is Truth” in that space, and enter something related to the course that had some theory of physics involved in it. Needless to say, my brother used this option a lot. He told me he figured he could learn some basic physics concepts, and use those to get through his exams. So he did that, and it worked. He passed the class. How much he really learned is anybody’s guess, but at that point learning wasn’t his focus – passing was.

Truth is truth – it’s a simple concept, and it’s correct. The truth of any situation is the basis of its existence. And yet sometimes we forget this basic concept of life. We sometimes pretend that the truth doesn’t exist. “Don’t look over there, look over here. Don’t listen to that, listen to me.” We do this when the truth is uncomfortable, or when we are having trouble facing it. We dodge, we hide, we camouflage, we ignore, and we pretend, and all of those things are effective in distracting us from the real truth of the situation. But they can never change it. It’s still there. It’s always there. Nothing can stop the truth from coming out. It can be hidden for a while, but eventually it will rise, and force us to look at it straight on.

Accepting the truth in our lives isn’t always easy. If we want something very much but for reasons out of our control cannot have it, we may convince ourselves that we can still get it. We just need to wait a little longer, be a little more patient, or try a little harder. Sometimes that works, but often it doesn’t. The trick is to figure out what we can change, and what we can’t. And once we’ve determined that, then we know the whole truth. And that’s what we must face.

There is a lot of dishonesty in the world. It seems that everyone is selling us something. It’s easy to be distracted by the glitz, the promises, and the thrall of something new. We have to be careful to look closely at the entire picture, and discern the whole truth of the situation. But there are times when we don’t want to know the truth, we don’t want to face it because it’s too hard. We don’t think we can handle it. However, whether we want to see it or not, changes nothing. It’s still there. It will not change. So the best we can do is to face it, accept it, and go forward.

Today pay attention to what you see and what you hear. Take a moment to think about it. Are you seeing the real truth, or is it a version of the truth that has been modified to fit someone’s model? Dig down. Get to the bottom of it. Truth is truth. And that never changes.

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