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Setting the Bar

12 Apr

Lauren Hill died two days ago. If you haven’t heard of her, there has been a lot written about her and you can surely find several articles regarding her amazing life. Lauren was only 19 years old when she died. A college freshman basketball player excited about her prospects for the future. And then she was diagnosed with an inoperable, untreatable, fatal brain tumor. Instead of becoming morose and depressed, instead of giving up, she persevered and became an example to everyone. She said, “I don’t want people to say I lost, or I gave up,” and she didn’t. She was always cheerful, always smiling, always positive. And she thought of others. She raised over 1.5 million dollars for cancer research while suffering with the disease herself. Because she was becoming weaker every day, her college coach moved up their first game so that she could realize her dream of playing for them. She played well to a sold out crowd.

I have been following Lauren for some time. I have been amazed at her strength and courage in the face of sure defeat. I have been inspired, and impressed. She was always so happy even when it must have been hard to even face the day. I reflected on my life and my choices. Here was this young woman smiling with brain cancer, and I’m not that cheerful when I have a mere headache! And I thought of the example she was for us all.

Nobody knows what life will bring them. Along the way we will make millions of decisions. Will they be good or bad? Will they affect others in a positive way, or will we be the one that destroys someone else? Will they have far reaching implications or will they just touch our moment? Will we be able to fix things when we falter? Will we be an example for good? Every decision will have some impact – good or bad, large or small, temporary or permanent – we have to wait and see. We surely will all die at some point. The mark we leave after we’re gone depends on what we do today.

Lauren Hill set the bar high. She never waivered. She never quit. She never gave up. Instead, she gave back every day. She looked outside herself and touched others. She set the bar high. She set it for all of us. Today, remember that kind of courage. Remember that it’s possible, even when we feel bad, to be the example. Remember that we, too, can set the bar high and be noble. We are here for a purpose. Today, recognize that and be the best you can be.

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One day at a time.

8 Apr

Some time ago, a young pregnant friend discovered that the baby she was carrying had a chromosomal defect that runs in her husband’s family. Five months pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. It was sad. It was devastating. They didn’t know what to do. Her husband was riddled with guilt because the defect came from him. She was lost in grief and sadness. Neither of them knew what to do, how to process this horrifying change, how to go forward.

Time went by and as it did, they began to heal. They found joy again, and were able to laugh. They got through their grief and began again to plan for a family. It took serious courage for them to even consider opening that door again, and they sought the advice and counsel of genetic professionals on whether or not they should proceed. They learned that the odds of having another child with this same anomaly were low, so they decided to try again. Now, there is another baby on the way. They are hopeful and determined. The experiences they’ve gone through have made them stronger, more willing and able to face what might come, and they are looking forward with confidence.

Life. It can be joyous one moment, perfect almost, and then things can change and your world can be turned upside down. Although we often can’t do anything about the changes that come to us, we can learn, as we go, how to cope with them. I was sad for my friends watching them go through such a terrible disappointment. It was hard to understand and accept. But this life is fleeting. If we take an eternal view, this really is just a moment. And if we take it moment by moment, we can manage whatever comes our way. We can, if we look, find joy even in sorrow. Things will change. Nothing is permanent, not even sadness. There are still good things to come. Sometimes it’s difficult to look up when we feel so down. We have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time. But no matter how we manage it, things will change, and we will get through whatever we’re facing. The only real thing we can count on in this life is that no matter what you’re going through now, it will change. Change is inevitable. When we are hurt and suffering, we want the change to come immediately. But change comes in its own way, on its own timetable. So moment by moment, step by step, we navigate until things improve.

We’re all going to suffer at some point. We’re all going to face disappointment, sometimes serious disappointment. But look up. There are still good things to come. Today is just today. Just do today. Tomorrow will be different.

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United we stand.

7 Apr

People are complicated.  There is an unlimited supply of versions to our lives.  Everyone has their own interpretation of what is best for them and what they want, and of course, everyone in their sphere also has an interpretation of what is best for them and what they should have.  We all have friends and family who are eager to give us advice and counsel, and sometimes that advice is helpful, sometimes not, and sometimes it’s just annoying.  We have the right to direct our own lives, and even if we ask for advice, we don’t have to take it.  We are really the only ones who know the whole story, and in the end the decision is ours to make.

When we’re making decisions, it’s important to consider everything, especially if the decision is a big one.  How do we feel about it?  How will it impact our future?  What will it cost – not just in money, although that sometimes enters in.  But also the cost of our time and effort.  What will we have to give up to make the change?  Is it worth the effort?  Is it what we really want?  Are we sure?  There are countless questions that come up and we have to address them all.  Ignoring them will not make them go away.  If we don’t consider everything and just go ahead with a decision, we could find ourselves second guessing it forever.  Even when we think we’re sure we know what we want, there can be complications.

I have a friend with a horrible job.  By anyone’s standards her job is horrible.  The location is bad as well.  She says she wants very much to find a better job and move to a better location.  She’s asked all her friends for advice and help to make this happen.  But she’s neglected to even apply for jobs referred to her, and when she does get an interview she doesn’t prepare for it or she goes improperly dressed.  Many people have offered to help her prepare, given her advice on how to dress, and offered to help her apply for new jobs.  But the offers largely go ignored.  Needless to say, she’s still in her horrible job.  Even though she says she wants these changes, it’s obvious that she hasn’t done what she’s needed to do in order to facilitate them.

If we’re going to make a decision, we have to pull in the whole team – our internal team.  We have to face our fears, address our needs, see how we feel, decide if we’re really committed to the change, and determine if we will do what it will take to make the decision.  We can’t ignore anything.  We have to look at everything and ‘open all the drawers’ so to speak.  Once we’ve done that, pulled everything together, and are united in moving forward, we can stand firm in our decision knowing this is what we really want, and we will persevere in order to achieve it.  That’s the beginning.  And you can’t reach any destination unless you begin.

Life goes by whether you’re happy or not, rich or poor, young or old.  It goes by fast.  If we don’t like where we are it’s our responsibility to change our situation.  Nobody can do it for us.  There are times when we wish they could, but we have to do it ourselves.  If we take some time to think about what we really want and what it will take to get there, and then take the time to unite ourselves to make the change, we can change just about anything in our lives we want to.  Are you thinking about making a change?  Have you been hesitating?  Now is the time.  Don’t wait another moment to get where you want to be.  Begin now.

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What’s the worst that can happen?

31 Mar

One day while driving through town with my son, the man in the car in front of me threw some trash out the window. Incensed, I laid on the horn and shook my finger at him through the windshield. My son went nuts. “What are you doing? That guy could have a gun and just pull over and shoot you for that! Is it worth that for a little litter?” I told him he was over reacting. The odds of that guy actually being so angry that he’d shoot me over my horn blast was absurd. But was it? I began to think about the situation in a different way. Every day we read incredibly horrible stories about people doing things out of anger just like my son was warning me about. Hmmm. That experience made me ponder my situation a bit more carefully.

What if, before we make a decision we thought about the worst possible outcome. What is the worst thing that could happen? Even if it’s unlikely that the worst possible scenario would actually happen, what if we thought about what that would be before we made our decisions. What if? I mean even if the odds are strongly against it, sometimes the worst case scenario actually does happen. And that deserves our thought before we make a decision.

We were working on a an intense project at work and I was exhausted. I really needed a day off. I wanted to ask my boss for it but I stopped and thought about all the possible outcomes. He could say, “Sure go ahead. Take the day,” and that would have been great. But what would the ramifications have been overall. Everyone was stressed and working hard, everyone probably wanted a day off. My position was pretty high and I probably had more freedom to ask than those further down the ladder. If I took the day off and someone else couldn’t, or worse, didn’t even feel like they could ask for a day off, how would that impact the team? How would I be viewed? Worse case scenario – Everyone would hate me and I would be a pariah from then forward. I didn’t think THAT would happen, but there were other things to consider. After I pondered this for a while, I determined that it would be better not to even ask for the day off. Just grind through the project with everyone else and when it was done, we could all take some time. So that’s what I did.

I will never know if I had taken the day off if anything negative would have happened or if anyone would have even cared. But taking the time to consider the worst case scenario gave me a broader picture of how my decision could affect not only the others involved, but the project as a whole. It was worth the time I spent thinking about it before I decided what to do.

It probably won’t matter what we have for breakfast, what shoes we wear to work, or where we park our cars. But some decisions we make today will matter. Some decisions could have far reaching consequences. We never really know how far those consequences could go. Like tossing a pebble in a pond the ripples could go wide. So before we decide anything that touches others or impacts situations, we should take the time to think. “What’s the worst that could happen?” If we can work around that, if we can manage that, then we can go forward with confidence. Start thinking.

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My boss the bully.

27 Mar

Some years ago I had a very stressful job.  It involved dealing with all kinds of unhappy people in situations where they were angry.  I am pretty good at diffusing conflict and I learned very quickly just to listen and let them blow off steam before I would talk and offer suggestions for resolution.  It was a good job in that the salary was high, the hours were good, and the benefit package was nice, but it was a very hard job and what made it worse was that my boss at the time was a bully.  And to add to it, (although this term has been completely over used and tossed around way too much in recent years) the woman was also a racist.  She hated white people.  She frankly stated it time and again.  At work!  I will not reveal what race she identified with because it’s not important.  What is important is that I am “white” or what she thinks of as white.  Actually I’m Italian, but that was white enough for her.

The first few months in my new position, my boss ridiculed me regularly, demeaned me in meetings, and criticized me openly in front of my co-workers.  Every time I turned around she made a snide remark about me, and did everything seemingly in her power to make me feel horrible.  There were days I cried in my car driving home thinking, “I can’t go back tomorrow.”  But I needed the job and there was no way I could quit.  I tried meeting with her alone but she would not show at our appointed time.  I asked again and again to see her, and she would not meet with me.  Her boss was also her best friend who hired her despite the fact that she did not meet the requirements for the job, so going to him seemed pointless.  And so I was stuck day after day basically in job hell.  After several months of this, I became physically sick and called my elderly dad and told him what was going on.  He was patient and told me what I already knew – I shouldn’t have to put up with this.  Then I called my attorney and asked him what my options were and he advised me with all kinds of legal suggestions that I figured would just make the situation worse.  And then I called my Bishop at church who advised me to pray about it, which I had been and continued to do.  But still there was no change.

After one particularly horrible day, I went home sick to my stomach, with a grinding headache, and decided I couldn’t take it any more.  I shouldn’t have to put up with this, I didn’t want to take legal action, and so I decided I was going to have to quit.  I didn’t know how I was going to manage but anything was better than what I was enduring.

I got home, cried a little, felt horrible a lot, took a long soak in the hottest water I could stand, and went to bed.  Resigned to my fate.  Defeated.  Done.

But something happened that night.  I tossed and turned in bed for hours and at about 2:00 in the morning I sat straight up and said out loud, “Oh no you don’t.  You are not taking my job from me.  This ends NOW.”  Somehow in a moment I had changed.  I was not going to be the victim anymore.  I was going to stand up and although I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I was going to confront her in the morning and put a stop to the abuse.  I took a deep breath, steeled my resolve and went to sleep.

The next morning I got up and got ready.  I was nervous and scared, tremulous, but determined.  No more letting her roll over me.  No more abuse.  When I got settled at work, I stood up, took a deep breath and marched into her office.  I shut her door, and told her I needed to talk to her.  She looked up at me like she wanted to put a knife in my heart.  I took another deep breath and said:

“I will no longer tolerate your abusive behavior.  It will stop today.  If it does not stop today, I will either file a civil lawsuit of discrimination, an EEO complaint, or a grievance.  Or I might file all three.  But your degrading comments about me and to me, your constant criticism, and your remarks about my race end now.  This is over.  Are we clear?”

She was stunned!  She looked like she had been hit in the face with a brick (I know I exaggerate but you need to know the full effect of my words.)  She cleared her throat and said she would have to report my comments to her boss, and I said, “That will be fine.  Are we done here?”  She nodded, and I turned and left her office.

When I got back to my desk I nearly fell into my chair I was shaking so hard.  I felt I had faced down the demon, and it had been both a terrifying, and immensely gratifying experience.  It took a while for my breathing to calm and for me to be able to feel normal again, but I was very, very proud of myself of facing the issue and doing what had to be done.

After the moment I left her office, everything changed instantaneously.  I never heard another single negative thing from my boss.  Nothing.  She was cordial and polite every time we interacted, she was respectful in meetings, and when we passed in the halls she always said hello.  I couldn’t believe the difference or how quickly it happened.  Later she moved on to another job, as did I.  We’re both still with the same company, and when we see each other she is always quick to say hello and ask how I’m doing.  A complete and total reversal from where we had been.

Is there a bully in your life?  Someone who is making you miserable?  Someone who is doing things that hurt you maliciously?  You don’t have to take that.  You can stand up to it.  They say that many people who bully others do so because they have a low self image and lack courage.  That seems to have been the case in my situation.  I am not an extremely brave person.  I struggle with fear – have my entire life.  It took everything I had to stand up to the bully in my life, but I did it, and everything changed.  If I can do it, you can do it too.  Stand up.  You are worth the very best there is out there.  You can defend yourself and you can prevail.

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