Archive | March, 2015

Yes, you can.

25 Mar

There are limitless possibilities in every life.  Millions of paths you could choose, innumerable choices you can make about how you will live your life and what you will do.  The sky’s the limit.  We believe these things when we are young and think about becoming astronauts, ballerinas, famous musicians, Nobel prize winning scientists, and anything else we dream up.  We are sure when we are young that all of these things are certainly possible.  But as we get older and begin to more closely define our lives and what is important to us, we are also impacted by the opinions and advice of others.  It’s wonderful to be a dreamer and imagine everything that can be – dreamers are the people that give the whole world color and interest.  As we age, sometimes we temper our dreams because somebody said they would be not only difficult, but frankly impossible for us to achieve what we’ve been dreaming about.  And maybe somebody else said the idea was ridiculous.  And maybe somebody else said we should be sensible and plan for something that is easier to attain, where we can succeed.  It seems there is no limit to the number of people who will discourage our dreams.  Perhaps it’s because they are cautious.  Perhaps it’s because they are jealous.  Perhaps it’s because they are afraid.  Or maybe it’s because they didn’t go after their own dreams and so they really don’t want us to go after ours and maybe succeed where they failed.   There are countless reasons why people discourage us, and every time they do they chip away a tiny piece of our resolve, a tiny piece of our confidence – that is if we listen to them.

Our lives belong to us.  And they go by fast.  It seems that in a blink five years have passed.  It is important, no it is imperative that we understand that we control our lives.  We can do anything we want.  It doesn’t matter if everyone tells us it won’t work, we can still do it.  The greatest minds in history did things nobody thought could be done.  It is said that Edison designed 1,000 light bulbs that failed before he finally designed one that worked.  Somebody asked him how he could keep going when he had failed already 1,000 times.  His response?  “I haven’t failed 1,000 times.  I have found 1,000 ways that it won’t work.”  And that’s the attitude of success.

I went on a cruise with some friends and there was an excursion, “Adventure in the Trees” or something like that.  It involved completing an obstacle course twenty feet up in an orchard of trees on ropes, including zip lines and all sorts of tricky maneuvers.  We decided it looked like fun and figured it should be safe because the cruise line was sponsoring it.  When we got to the course and climbed up to the ropes we were told that nobody was going to assist us because the tour group had found that when their team helped the participants then tended to rely on them, and would get hurt more often than if they were left to themselves.  I took one look at the situation and thought “THERE IS NO WAY I CAN DO THIS!!”  We had to climb around large tree trunks with nothing to stand on, step on floating planks to get through, and hang from ropes at certain times.  My friend behind me was screaming, “Whose idea was this?  This is insane!”  I called back, “Just keep going,” and I proceeded with my heart in my throat.  The course was not easy and took about two and a half hours to complete.  But by the end of it we were laughing and having a blast.  We had tested ourselves, and once we got over our fears, found that it was really fun to push ourselves and figure it all out.  At the end of the course we decided it had been the BEST DAY EVER!  That was a great example to me that even when I’m afraid and think I can’t do something, I should go out there and do it anyway.

Is there something you really want to do and haven’t tried because you were told it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t be worth your time or money, it was a dumb idea, or any other discouraging advice?  Is there something you really want to do that you haven’t tried because you’ve been afraid it would fail?  What’s the worst thing that could happen if you actually tried to do the one thing you really want to do?  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  If you want to start performing music, someone could say “You suck.”  Can you handle that?  If you design a new piece of equipment and it fails, you’re out the time you spent and whatever funds you invested.  Can you handle that?  If you want to write a book and you finish it, and nobody publishes it, can you handle that?  Take some time and think about what it is you really want to do.  Make a plan to begin the process to get it started.  When the hurdles come, jump over them.  You can do anything you want to do.  Anything.  Sure some things will fail, sure it might not go the way you think it will, sure it might be difficult, but you can still do it.  And whatever comes, you’ll be happy that you tried.   They say that when we are dying it’s not the things we did that we regret – it’s the things we didn’t do.  So be brave.  Be convinced.  Get out there.  Do what you are dreaming of.  Take control.  Live YOUR life.  Have a blast!

Tags: ,

Jumping?

24 Mar

We make dozens of decisions every day.  Sometimes they need no thought – I have to go to the store, pickup the mail, get the car washed, be at work early – things like that.  There are decisions we make quickly because we don’t really have to think about them, we just need to get things done.  But other times we make fast decisions in situations when we really should wait for a moment before we decide what to say or what to do.  We jump.  Oftentimes we jump because our feelings are involved and that “fight or flight” thing comes into play.  When someone says or does something that hurts us, we can immediately jump to an action or statement that can quickly escalate the situation.  We get cut off on the road so we lean on the horn and shout out some sort of damning expletive that makes us feel better, but does nothing to improve the situation.  “You idiot!  Who taught you to drive!  Get off the road you ass!”  You probably will feel temporarily better for having told that horrible person who dared to cut you off how you feel about it.  But in reality, you have done nothing to change anything.  He is still there in his car, ignoring you, being who he is and really not caring what you think.  So the question then comes, is it wise to jump?

In our personal relationships with family, friends, co-workers, and everyone else in our sphere, there will inevitably be times when we will be hurt or disappointed in something someone is doing or has done.  We take it personally.  We feel unfairly treated and if we jump, we say things to hurt the offending party right back.  After all, they deserve it – they hurt us first.  But sometimes our perceptions of what happened may be incorrect.  And if they are and we jump to respond, we can damage those relationships and lose the trust others have in us.  A friend of mine has been dating a man for a while.  He says he’s madly in love with her but has been unable to move the relationship forward in any way.   She says she loves him but she isn’t sure he will ever really commit to a future with her and she isn’t sure how long she should wait.  He has a lot of excuses for why he can’t move forward and they all sound good, but a couple of years have gone by and nothing has changed.  After careful consideration she decided to clearly discuss the matter with him and frankly and openly ask him what his plans were for the future.  She had tried before to do this but he skirted the issue and changed the subject.  This time she was determined to have an honest discussion with him so she could decide how she wanted to move forward with her life.  When she brought the subject up and told him she wanted to talk about their relationship and get his perspective on the future, he immediately lost his temper.  “Why are you asking me this?  Are you seeing someone else?  I thought you loved me!  I can’t believe this!  Have you been pretending all this time!” and on and on he went.  He jumped.   He was uncomfortable and instead of getting the facts and listening, instead of just taking a breath before he blurted out all of his concerns, he jumped.  Maybe he jumped to divert the conversation away from something he was clearly uncomfortable talking about.  Maybe he jumped because he knew he had made her wait too long and this conversation was inevitable.  Maybe he jumped because he was threatened.  Nobody knows why he jumped, but when he did, any hope of moving the conversation forward, to discussing the options before them as a couple, or understanding his point of view were lost.

Perhaps it would be wise when we feel that sting of hurt from something someone did, when we feel the threat of something coming, when we feel scared, when we get angry, perhaps it would be wise to just wait a moment.  Take a breath.  Don’t jump – yet.  Breathe.  Look at the situation again.  Breathe.  Get all the facts, listen, listen, listen, and then take another breath.  And then express yourself calmly.  If we can stop jumping and learn to control our responses, most of our conflict will become more manageable. Our interactions will become a little easier and we will feel better.  We can choose to jump and react or we can choose to think and respond.  If we practice taking that extra breath, just taking one moment to think before we jump, we will be more successful in understanding where we are and what is happening.  They say that knowledge is power.  I believe that’s true.  So stop, take a breath, get all the knowledge you can about the situation and then use your power to control your response.  Those around you will learn that they can trust you not to jump.  It will take some practice but it will be worth it.

Tags: , ,

One Small Step

23 Mar

Few people are happy with themselves exactly as they are and generally there are things we all want to change about ourselves.  Some of those may be big things – career choices, marriage choices, children etc., but most of the time the changes we want to make aren’t that encompassing.  Maybe we want to lose some weight or gain some weight, we may want to improve our relationships with friends and family, we may want to learn a new language or travel more.  There are endless choices for change and endless opportunities to begin them.  But for reasons I can’t explain, even when we have something we really want to change, it can be hard to get started.  We get stuck in the routine and the nagging voice in the back our heads keeps reminding us that we want to change this.  The reminders are always there but we put it off, we procrastinate, we avoid because change can be scary, even it its something we really want.

So try this.  Make a decision about what you really want to change now.  Then instead of trying to enact the whole change, whatever it is, change one small behavior this week that you’re doing which is keeping you from being successful in making the change.  For instance, if you want to learn a new language, this week start looking at the options out there to learn it.  What programs are available for you, what are the time commitments, what is the cost (if there is one) and what will you need.  Just take this week and start looking.  Research all the options and then begin to decide which path looks best.  Next week you can make a decision on which option you like.  And then the week after that, you can purchase the materials or begin taking lessons.  Step by step, you will begin to incorporate the desire to learn the new language into your life.  After a few weeks you’ll be on the path to begin your learning and if you stick with this, doing a little more each week, before long your goal will become a reality.

Let’s look at another one.  A lot of us want to change our physical state – get thinner, get heavier, get more fit.  Every year at New Years lots of us make a resolution to do this.  We join gyms, we join weight loss programs, we hire personal trainers, but the reality is that by about the end of February, a lot of those “resolvers” have returned to their previous behavior patterns and given up.  So try using this easy step by step approach and see if you can’t do better.  For instance, if you just want to change your diet to lose a little weight, maybe this week just give up dessert.  That’s all.  Just dessert.  Then if that goes well, next week maybe you could cut back on your portion size at dinner, and still leave out dessert.  Take it step by step.  Don’t rush or you will fail.  Don’t deprive yourself of what you really want.  Just make a small change.  If you decide one day you absolutely have to have dessert, have it!  Enjoy it and then start again the next day leaving it out.

If you want to get more fit, this week you might begin to research what options are available to you, the costs involved, the time commitments, etc.  Then review them all and see what looks good.  Next week you could take the next step by talking about  your plans with someone involved in the programs you’ve found.  Then you could decide how to go forward, how much time you are willing to commit, how much money (if that’s involved) you can afford, and you could make a realistic plan to begin.  Then you could make a well thought out and defined decision about how you want to go forward.  Then take it day by day, changing a little at a time until it becomes part of your routine.

When we want to change, it seems we expect the change to come quickly, almost instantly but we must remember that we did not develop our behavior patterns instantly.  We developed them over time.  And that’s the way we will change them – over time.  Step by step.  Give it a try.  You can change anything about yourself that you really want to.  You just need to plan and give yourself the time you need to facilitate the change.  Be everything you want to be.  Be everything you want to be.  You can do this.

Tags: ,

Do you validate?

22 Mar

I have been watching a TV show where chefs compete to see who can make dishes out of unusual ingredients.  There is a stopwatch involved and it seems very stressful.  Every time I watch this show, when asked why they want to win, one of the chefs will say “It will validate what I’m doing,” or “It will validate that I am where I should be,” or something along this line.  This has been perplexing for me.  I wonder why they need to be validated?  By their own admission, they are doing something they love to do.  They are good at their jobs or certainly would never have been invited to compete in the show.  So, why the need for outside validation?

This has made me wonder about us as people.  If we are happy doing things we love, is it necessary that others validate that we are doing things right?  Is it necessary that we get acceptance and approval? Nobody likes criticism, of course, but do we need everyone to be happy about our decisions?  I don’t think we do.  If we are living our lives the way we want to, and we aren’t hurting anyone else, I don’t think we have to have the approval of anyone else.  We are living OUR lives, not their lives, and making OUR decisions, not theirs.

So I was thinking about my life.  Are there times when I need to be validated in a decision I’ve made?  Do I feel like I have to have approval to continue doing the things I want to do?  I am very independent and for me the approval of others isn’t very important.  I’m not hurting anyone, I’m just making decisions about my own life.  That’s enough for me.  I know friends who go to functions they don’t want to attend because someone said they should, who wear clothes they don’t like because someone didn’t like the way they were dressing, and who changed different aspects of their lifestyle because it didn’t agree with someone else’s idea of how their lives should look.  I don’t want that.  None of us should want that.

Our lives are gifts to US.  Nobody else.  We should be brave and courageous enough to live them the way we want to.  We should dress the way we want to, eat the way we want to, go to the places we like, and stand up for ourselves.  After all, the opinion of others is just that – opinion.   And opinion is just someone else’s idea of something.  Our ideas are just as important as theirs.  So be strong.  Get out there and live your life your way.  You’ll be happier.  This life goes by so fast.  Let’s be as happy as we can!

Tags: ,

Newer Entries →