Tag Archives: Change

Chicken Little

15 May

I have a friend who is a teacher and loves her work. However, her school administration isn’t supportive, and that has hurt her. She had a student who was aggressive, and bullying not only the other students, but her as well. She tried to work with him but it was useless. Fearing for her safety she went to her Principal, and explained the situation. She asked to bring the parents in to discuss the matter, but the principal flatly refused, and told her to work it out herself. She was disappointed in his response, but she had seen this behavior before. Her Principal seemed to be afraid of the students’ parents. He never wanted to call them or address behavior problems with them. One day the boy in my friend’s class pushed her off a step, and she suffered a fractured skull. The school paid for her medical expenses, but even then, refused to contact the parents, and told her not to either. She was very hurt, both physically and emotionally. In time her physical injuries have healed, but she is still hurt by her boss’s behavior. She is also worried about what will happen next.

I work in a large organization that adopts basically the same model as my friend’s school. Fear of lawsuits, and recrimination have created an environment where bad employees are not disciplined, and instead, when they cause trouble are moved to other departments . Of course, moving a problem never solves it. The leadership is afraid of problems with the union, legal complaints, and the additional expense from those, and other complications. So, instead of addressing the problem, they move it. It’s a reflection of where we are as a society, and an overall lack of courage.

Sadly, these are not uncommon stories today. Many are reluctant to address bad behavior. They decide instead to say nothing, and deal with the issue as best they can. In our litigious society where people sue others for ridiculous reasons, trying to avoid the possibility of a lawsuit is understandable. But when situations require correction, despite the risk, it needs to happen. If it doesn’t, it may lead to greater problems.

Each of us, every day, has the opportunity to set an example for excellence. We can choose the better path, and light the way for those who have gotten lost. We may not be able to change a whole mindset, but if we bravely choose the right, if we face each problem and address it appropriately, if we solve issues instead of pushing them around, others will notice. We can choose to address the problems we encounter, and set the standard for solving them instead of looking away. If we can turn the tide in our small area of influence, others will see the change for good, and may choose to address their problems too. Like dominoes falling, if we are diligent, one after the other, those around us may choose the better path. Each of us has more power to influence others than we realize. People watch us. They pay attention more than we think they do. So today, choose to be the difference. Choose to set the standard. And watch what happens.

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What happens next?

19 Apr

What would you do if someone unfairly and maliciously insulted you in front of your friends? What would you do if someone took credit for your idea at work? What would you do if someone you loved hurt you to serve themselves? What would you do if someone lied to you and caused you to lose something you valued? What would you do if you discovered that a friend or loved one betrayed you?

All of these scenarios could happen to you. Some of them may have already happened to you. Unfortunately, we can’t control any choices other people make. We can’t control what they do or don’t do. We can’t control what happens to us as a result of those choices. When it comes to dealing with others, if they choose to hurt us, lie to us, betray us – we really can’t do anything to stop them. They may choose to do whatever they want to, and if that means hurting us, they may choose that as well.

But we can control what happens next – at least as far as our behavior is concerned. It is very hard to deal with being treated unfairly, and our first instinct might be to fight back. Fighting fire with fire might work, but it’s not always the best option. Sometimes it just makes the situation worse, and causes more hurt feelings on both sides. So if we don’t return back exactly what’s been done to us, do we have to just take it? Should we do nothing? No. We have options. But choosing the right one takes a little thought.

What if for every injustice, we offered back the opposite of what we received. For anger, we could offer kindness. For jealousy, we could offer acceptance. For selfishness, we could offer charity. For greed, we could offer generosity. For lies, we could offer honesty. If we offer these things in return for the pain, there is a good chance that the person who hurt us will be touched by our consideration and understanding. They may see the error of what they’ve done, and use our example to change. And if they do, that change would most probably be positive. It won’t happen every time, but if our example helps even one person to change for the better, it’s worth the cost.

We’re all going to be hurt by others at times. Sometimes the hurt will be exquisitely painful, devastating even, and it will be hard to turn the other cheek and offer back something better. It will not be easy. But becoming the best person we can be is never easy. We have to rise above the pain, and see the bigger picture. We have to decide that it’s worth it. We have to choose to reach higher. So today, make a choice. Do you want to return fire with fire, or do you want to change the situation and make it better? There is nobility in all of us. Recognize yours. Express it when things go wrong. Embrace it when you get hurt. And show it off to the world. It really is your finest feature.

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My boss the bully.

27 Mar

Some years ago I had a very stressful job.  It involved dealing with all kinds of unhappy people in situations where they were angry.  I am pretty good at diffusing conflict and I learned very quickly just to listen and let them blow off steam before I would talk and offer suggestions for resolution.  It was a good job in that the salary was high, the hours were good, and the benefit package was nice, but it was a very hard job and what made it worse was that my boss at the time was a bully.  And to add to it, (although this term has been completely over used and tossed around way too much in recent years) the woman was also a racist.  She hated white people.  She frankly stated it time and again.  At work!  I will not reveal what race she identified with because it’s not important.  What is important is that I am “white” or what she thinks of as white.  Actually I’m Italian, but that was white enough for her.

The first few months in my new position, my boss ridiculed me regularly, demeaned me in meetings, and criticized me openly in front of my co-workers.  Every time I turned around she made a snide remark about me, and did everything seemingly in her power to make me feel horrible.  There were days I cried in my car driving home thinking, “I can’t go back tomorrow.”  But I needed the job and there was no way I could quit.  I tried meeting with her alone but she would not show at our appointed time.  I asked again and again to see her, and she would not meet with me.  Her boss was also her best friend who hired her despite the fact that she did not meet the requirements for the job, so going to him seemed pointless.  And so I was stuck day after day basically in job hell.  After several months of this, I became physically sick and called my elderly dad and told him what was going on.  He was patient and told me what I already knew – I shouldn’t have to put up with this.  Then I called my attorney and asked him what my options were and he advised me with all kinds of legal suggestions that I figured would just make the situation worse.  And then I called my Bishop at church who advised me to pray about it, which I had been and continued to do.  But still there was no change.

After one particularly horrible day, I went home sick to my stomach, with a grinding headache, and decided I couldn’t take it any more.  I shouldn’t have to put up with this, I didn’t want to take legal action, and so I decided I was going to have to quit.  I didn’t know how I was going to manage but anything was better than what I was enduring.

I got home, cried a little, felt horrible a lot, took a long soak in the hottest water I could stand, and went to bed.  Resigned to my fate.  Defeated.  Done.

But something happened that night.  I tossed and turned in bed for hours and at about 2:00 in the morning I sat straight up and said out loud, “Oh no you don’t.  You are not taking my job from me.  This ends NOW.”  Somehow in a moment I had changed.  I was not going to be the victim anymore.  I was going to stand up and although I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I was going to confront her in the morning and put a stop to the abuse.  I took a deep breath, steeled my resolve and went to sleep.

The next morning I got up and got ready.  I was nervous and scared, tremulous, but determined.  No more letting her roll over me.  No more abuse.  When I got settled at work, I stood up, took a deep breath and marched into her office.  I shut her door, and told her I needed to talk to her.  She looked up at me like she wanted to put a knife in my heart.  I took another deep breath and said:

“I will no longer tolerate your abusive behavior.  It will stop today.  If it does not stop today, I will either file a civil lawsuit of discrimination, an EEO complaint, or a grievance.  Or I might file all three.  But your degrading comments about me and to me, your constant criticism, and your remarks about my race end now.  This is over.  Are we clear?”

She was stunned!  She looked like she had been hit in the face with a brick (I know I exaggerate but you need to know the full effect of my words.)  She cleared her throat and said she would have to report my comments to her boss, and I said, “That will be fine.  Are we done here?”  She nodded, and I turned and left her office.

When I got back to my desk I nearly fell into my chair I was shaking so hard.  I felt I had faced down the demon, and it had been both a terrifying, and immensely gratifying experience.  It took a while for my breathing to calm and for me to be able to feel normal again, but I was very, very proud of myself of facing the issue and doing what had to be done.

After the moment I left her office, everything changed instantaneously.  I never heard another single negative thing from my boss.  Nothing.  She was cordial and polite every time we interacted, she was respectful in meetings, and when we passed in the halls she always said hello.  I couldn’t believe the difference or how quickly it happened.  Later she moved on to another job, as did I.  We’re both still with the same company, and when we see each other she is always quick to say hello and ask how I’m doing.  A complete and total reversal from where we had been.

Is there a bully in your life?  Someone who is making you miserable?  Someone who is doing things that hurt you maliciously?  You don’t have to take that.  You can stand up to it.  They say that many people who bully others do so because they have a low self image and lack courage.  That seems to have been the case in my situation.  I am not an extremely brave person.  I struggle with fear – have my entire life.  It took everything I had to stand up to the bully in my life, but I did it, and everything changed.  If I can do it, you can do it too.  Stand up.  You are worth the very best there is out there.  You can defend yourself and you can prevail.

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