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All or Nothing

28 Jul

Most of the things we do in our lives require flexibility. Generally there isn’t much that is written in stone, and we compromise a lot. Despite that, we can get stuck in an “all or nothing” mentality. We can get lost in trying to make things exactly like we want them before we commit, and move forward. There are some things that draw a hard line. For instance we may not allow someone to be hurt physically, we may require fidelity in our intimate relationships, or there may be some personal requirements we must have. But mostly, we need to compromise. Most things won’t be exactly the way we’d like them. There will be some give and take. A pattern of requiring perfection in our ideas, or needing things precisely the way we think they should be before we act can work against us.

Living with an “all or nothing” attitude can prevent us from participating, and keep us from fun and valuable experiences. If we decide to wait on every decision until things are lined up our way, the opportunity to participate may pass. Rarely will the timing for everything be perfect, the plans exactly as we want them, or the situation ideal in every way. If we wait for those things to happen before we move forward, we may find ourselves stuck.

This attitude affects our personal relationships, as well as our routine activities. No relationship is without disharmony from time to time. People disagree and agree, they argue and they get along, and there is tension occasionally. If we decide a relationship has to be completely perfect or we won’t have it, we will, in all probability, find ourselves alone. People don’t operate that way. Life doesn’t work that way. Perfection is, in most situations, unattainable.  It’s great to have a goal to be the best we can be, but the expectation of everything going without a curve or bump is unrealistic. And it’s self-defeating. Life is a wonderful gift. And the real perfection comes when we realize how wonderful it is – warts and all.

Today if you’ve been struggling with trying to make things absolutely perfect before you go forward, think about it from another perspective. If everything were perfect all the time there would be no reason to grow. We would have no reason to learn. Accept the bumps as they come along. Navigate them, and go right over them. You are capable of handling any complication that comes your way. No matter how things go, you’ll figure them out. Don’t wait for perfection. You don’t need it to move forward.

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Getting There

30 May

Each day brings with it opportunities for growth and experience. Sometimes those opportunities are fun, sometimes they’re not, sometimes we ignore them, and sometimes we embrace them. It changes from day to day. But as we go along, there will be things we want to learn and gain. We may want to extend ourselves more. We may want to change our professional lives, or our academic success. We may want to be more social or more welcoming. The list is endless, and there are a lot of things we can pursue if we want to. But learning new behaviors, and changing personal patterns isn’t always easy. Before we begin, we have to really want the change. We have to really want the growth. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, and we have to be diligent if we want to succeed.

It is said that our reach should exceed our grasp. We should be seeking beyond what we have accomplished. When we are reaching for something new, whatever that is, it’s a stretch. We have to push ourselves in a new direction. It may feel uncomfortable at first but like stretching our bodies, the more we do it, the further we can reach. We probably won’t succeed on our first attempt, but if we keep stretching, keep reaching, we will get there. This takes discipline and patience. The change may be slow, but if we work on it and keep our eyes on the goal, it will get easier to stay on track. And if we continue each day to move just a tiny bit closer, we will reach our destination. We will get to the goal, and we will be successful.

Often when we decide we need a change, we want it immediately. We can clearly see where we want to be, and waiting for it can be frustrating. Learning to get there can be hard. We can feel awkward and ungainly as we figure it out, and fine tune exactly how to go forward. Reaching beyond our grasp is challenging, but with patience, we can succeed.

Today if you are reaching for something that has eluded you, if you are trying hard to make a change that seems just out of your reach, keep stretching. Give yourself time. The goal is attainable. You’ll get there. And once you’ve succeeded, your confidence will soar. You can do anything. Keep reaching. You’re almost there.

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The Only Policy

14 May

A man in Texas recently went to an estate sale, and bought an old chest of drawers for $100. As he was loading it onto his vehicle with the help of someone running the sale, they heard all kinds of metallic clanging coming from the bottom of the chest. It turned out there was a secret compartment in it. There was a hidden drawer filled with currency, jewelry, emeralds and diamonds, military dog tags, and Civil War memorabilia. It was an incredible stash of treasure hidden in an old piece of furniture.

Upon seeing all the valuable pieces, the buyer said he never imagined keeping them. He said they belonged to the original owner of the chest who had inherited it from his grandparents. Instead of greedily claiming the treasure for himself, he said, “This is fantastic. Let’s call the owner, and get the stuff back to them.” The owner was astounded when he was told of the find, and had no idea there was anything hidden in the chest.

I’ve been thinking about this, and the decision made by the man who bought the chest. Despite the obvious worth of the items hidden inside, he returned them to the original owner. It could be argued that he owned the items after having purchased the chest, and there is that old saying, “finders keepers.” But that saying has little worth. If it wasn’t ours when it was lost, it isn’t ours when we find it, unless there is no way to find the real owner. What would you have done? Would you have been tempted to keep the loot? Would you have mentioned it to anyone? You could have kept the pieces or sold them and made some fast cash. Would you have done that?

It is said that if you want to know what someone is really like, find out what they do when nobody is watching. I think that’s true. We might believe that if nobody knows what we’re doing when we’re doing something questionable, where’s the harm? Of course, the harm is that whether anyone else knows or not, we know what we’ve done. And we have to live with each decision we make. There is no way to hide from ourselves. What we do is always there. We have to face it every single day.

There is no such thing as being too honest. There is no sliding scale for honesty, despite what some may say. Being honest is like being pregnant, you either are, or you aren’t. Whatever we choose, determines who we are. Even if nobody else knows what we’re doing, we know, and it colors our behaviors from there forward. If we’re honest in all our dealings, we can face ourselves openly, and with confidence. If we’re shady, and deceptive, it may be harder to look in the mirror.

Today if you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose to be honest, and it’s a hard choice, choose it anyway. Take the high road. Be above reproach. You will never regret making an honest choice. They say that “honesty is the best policy.” Well, that’s partially true. Actually, if we want to be truly happy, honesty is the only policy worth living. Choose well.

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Free Space

12 May

Our world is a busy place. We have a lot to do every day, and no matter how much we get done, there is more waiting for us. We are glued to our smart phones, iPads, day planners, and calendars. We constantly check our email, voice mail, Twitter, and Facebook, and a dozen other things. It’s an invasive and constant situation. Of course, life hasn’t always been this way, but the technology age is here, and whether we like it or not, we are part of it. When we add our daily routines of work, chores, errands, gym, walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning up, and everything else we have to do, it gets exhausting, and can be overwhelming. After a time we need a break.

Taking time for ourselves is not just an option, it’s a necessity. We need to plan for time down, without the electronics, without the phone, without the pressure. Just time to recharge, and rest. For some of us that may include time spent with family or friends. Or it might mean an outing to a museum, or gallery. We might decide to stay home, and just veg on the couch with a good book. If we have the time and resources, it could mean a vacation trip to someplace we’ve always wanted to go. Whatever it means to us, whatever it takes to rejuvenate ourselves, that’s what we need.

But in order to make it happen, we need to plan for it. We need to write it in our day planners, enter it into our smart phones, and if we’re working, we need to request the time off. Once we have it planned we must commit that no matter what happens, outside of a natural disaster, atomic explosion or death, we will follow through, and take the time.

I have a family member who works constantly. He is always extremely busy with one project or another. He makes lots of plans, and he completes them. He goes to his regular job during the day, and when he finishes there, he starts working on the project of the month. He is always coming up with new and ingenious ideas, which are great, but he seems unable to see that all he does is work. He is not married because he doesn’t have time to date. He doesn’t go on vacation because he has too much to do and can’t ‘find’ the time. He rarely visits his family because he doesn’t want to stop the progress he’s making on item A, B, or C. He works constantly. As a result, he is always tired, and he has few friends. He isn’t happy with his life like it is, but he says working this hard now will ensure that in the future he’ll have the freedom he wants. Well, that might happen. Or he might find that this will become his lifelong model, and he’ll never stop to get to that freedom.

No matter how much we do, we will never be completely done with what comes next. Life is a continuous process. There is no end until we die. Work will expand to fill the time we give it – no matter how much time that encompasses. We can work 24/7 if we like, and we still won’t be done. So, either we control the work or the work controls us. If the work is controlling us, when do we get to live our lives?

Plan for time down. Plan for it. And then take it. Take the time you need to recharge your batteries. Turn off the phone. Turn off the computer. Shut down the iPad. Forget about Twitter feeds, and what’s happening on Facebook. Go outside. Take a walk. Take a nap. Go skateboarding. Go surfing. Play tennis. Do whatever makes you happy. Take time apart from your usual schedule to restore. If we can do this regularly, we will have more energy when we return to our busy lives, more excitement for what we’re doing, and more happiness in the long run. This life will take everything we give it. We need to make sure we give something back to ourselves.

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Take that!

9 May

I have a friend who is generally nice, and amiable. But when she gets angry, she has no boundaries to what she will say or do. She says things that are vicious, and destructive to make her point. She goes way too far. I asked her about this, and she said she does it so the argument will end quickly. “If you crush them, they give in, and the fight is over,” she said, and in some ways she’s right. I have another friend with the same model. If he ever has a disagreement he, too, goes way too far. He uses a cannon when a flyswatter would have been enough. He says and does horrible things to hurt the other person, and it’s always destructive. He also says that he does this because it ends the fight quickly. And he likes returning to the relationship after the destruction to patch everything back up, and make it better. He likes that part a lot. It’s like a personal destroy, and recovery mission.

There could be no worse models for handling disagreements than these, and yet despite discussing the situation with them several times, they are either unable or unwilling to change. And so it continues. I’ve had many experiences with both of these people through the course of our friendships, and when they get angry and say horrible things, and make destructive comments way out of the scope of the disagreement, I am so stunned that I naturally end the conversation. The argument is over quickly, which is their goal – but the pain, and damage from the conversation remain. As a result of these behaviors, whether they acknowledge it or not, their relationships with others suffer. After they attack someone, it takes a while for the injured party to recover, and begin to trust them again. And sometimes they won’t ever trust them again, and decide instead to let the relationship go.

If we go for the jugular in our disagreements, if we go too far for whatever reason, we may lose more in the end than we want. People are flexible to a point. They will allow us to hurt them to a point. But once that point is reached, they may walk away, and abandon the relationship. So the question comes, is it worth the cost of a friendship to make a point? Is it worth losing someone we value so we can win? There is nothing to be gained by crushing others because of a disagreement. We may feel powerful in the moment, but that power is an illusion. The only power we are really displaying is the power to destroy a relationship. Anyone can do that. It’s not powerful at all. So, is it worth it to win the argument at any cost? Perhaps we need to rethink that. Perhaps the real power is when we use discretion and respect, and protect the relationships we cherish, even in conflict.

We all disagree from time to time. We all let others down sometimes. We will naturally argue, and we will have uncomfortable discussions. Unless we are fighting for our lives, there is no justifiable reason to destroy anyone we are disagreeing with. It’s just a disagreement. Sure, maybe they let us down, maybe they hurt our feelings, or maybe they did something truly horrible. No matter what they’ve done, trying to destroy them will not restore what has been lost, or repair the situation. It will probably make it worse. If we lose our self-control, and if we lose the relationship altogether, winning the argument won’t be worth it.

Today if you have a disagreement with someone, even if they’ve been horrible to you, remember that what you do is your decision. You may vanquish them, stick the knife in their heart so to speak, but what will you gain afterward? Will it be worth how you feel about yourself later? Will it be worth losing a friend? Think before you throw that spear. Think before you say those words. Think. Will it be worth the cost? What do you really want to gain?

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