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One day at a time.

8 Apr

Some time ago, a young pregnant friend discovered that the baby she was carrying had a chromosomal defect that runs in her husband’s family. Five months pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. It was sad. It was devastating. They didn’t know what to do. Her husband was riddled with guilt because the defect came from him. She was lost in grief and sadness. Neither of them knew what to do, how to process this horrifying change, how to go forward.

Time went by and as it did, they began to heal. They found joy again, and were able to laugh. They got through their grief and began again to plan for a family. It took serious courage for them to even consider opening that door again, and they sought the advice and counsel of genetic professionals on whether or not they should proceed. They learned that the odds of having another child with this same anomaly were low, so they decided to try again. Now, there is another baby on the way. They are hopeful and determined. The experiences they’ve gone through have made them stronger, more willing and able to face what might come, and they are looking forward with confidence.

Life. It can be joyous one moment, perfect almost, and then things can change and your world can be turned upside down. Although we often can’t do anything about the changes that come to us, we can learn, as we go, how to cope with them. I was sad for my friends watching them go through such a terrible disappointment. It was hard to understand and accept. But this life is fleeting. If we take an eternal view, this really is just a moment. And if we take it moment by moment, we can manage whatever comes our way. We can, if we look, find joy even in sorrow. Things will change. Nothing is permanent, not even sadness. There are still good things to come. Sometimes it’s difficult to look up when we feel so down. We have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. Sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time. But no matter how we manage it, things will change, and we will get through whatever we’re facing. The only real thing we can count on in this life is that no matter what you’re going through now, it will change. Change is inevitable. When we are hurt and suffering, we want the change to come immediately. But change comes in its own way, on its own timetable. So moment by moment, step by step, we navigate until things improve.

We’re all going to suffer at some point. We’re all going to face disappointment, sometimes serious disappointment. But look up. There are still good things to come. Today is just today. Just do today. Tomorrow will be different.

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Are you for real?

6 Apr

One day I went out to sit on my patio and enjoy the afternoon air. I looked across the yard and saw the most amazing tiny birds flying in and out of my honeysuckle. We have a lot of hummingbirds where I live, but these didn’t look like those. I had no idea what they were. They were beautiful – all black and white, and there were dozens of them. I watched in amazement for a little while, and then decided to go inside and get my binoculars so I could see them up close without disturbing them. I got the binoculars and sat back down, ready to look at the incredible tiny birds in my garden, and you can imagine my surprise when upon seeing them up close I realized they weren’t tiny birds at all. They were moths. Moths. Big, black and white moths. Suddenly I was no longer impressed and they were no longer amazing, because in my mind, they had morphed from something unique to something common. I mean, really, who is impressed by moths? Did it change they way they looked – no. Did it change the way they flew around – no. The only thing that changed was me. In our lives we can sometimes mistake “moths” for something beautiful and rare. Sometimes we make those mistakes with the people we interact with. We meet someone new, and for some reason they captivate us, draw us in, and we think they’re amazing. But sometimes that initial attraction fades as we get to know them and see them for who they really are. It’s impossible to know someone well when they are new to us. When we meet new people, most of us put our best foot forward. We want to make a good impression, especially if the person we are meeting has the ability to positively affect our lives. Maybe it’s a new boss, a new date, a friend’s family member, our new in-laws, a physician or even a new co-worker. We want them to like us so we’re careful, and we try hard to look good. There is nothing wrong with that. But over time it’s impossible to keep trying so hard to be perfect and eventually who we really are – flaws and all – will shine through. We are all moths in our own ways, BUT we are all also beautiful birds in our own ways. When we feel drawn to someone new, we may only be seeing their “bird” side and not the other. Eventually we’ll see them as they really are. Nobody is perfect and it’s important that we live in the real world. So learning who someone really is moves us forward in our relationship with them. It’s important to see them for real. And it’s important for them to see us for real. I really wish I was taller, I wish I was younger, I wish I was better looking, and I wish I was more perfect. But who I am now is enough. I am the best I can be right now. Tomorrow I might do better or I might falter. But day by day, being genuinely who we are, is where we need to be. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Nothing is more attractive than that.

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With all my heart.

2 Apr

This is a heartbreaking story – literally. A young man from Georgia a couple of years ago needed a heart transplant. He was only 15. The transplant committee was hesitant to put him on the transplant list because he had a troubled past, and they were not sure he would comply with the directions after the transplant to ensure that it was effective. Hearts for transplant are not readily available and come at the highest cost. So determining who gets one is a very serious business. The boy’s mother appealed to the press who immediately took up her cause and he got the transplant. He was grateful and happy at the time saying the transplant would help him, “So I can live a second chance. Get a second chance and do things I want to do,” he said. It was a happy outcome for him and for his family who loved him.

Fast forward two years. This week that same boy died in a car chase with police after an attempted robbery and in a stolen car. He was 17. It’s horribly sad on several levels. First of all, he was given two years of life he would not have had without the death of his donor, and being allowed to receive his new heart. Secondly, he obviously did not value that gift enough to change his life, and really do those things he said he wanted to do. Unless, of course, what he wanted to do was die in a car chase with police, which is doubtful.

The heart – we give it a lot of attention, and rightly so. Of course, besides the brain, it’s the organ that keeps us alive. We need it unconditionally. But what about the other “heart?” The one we refer to when we love someone, the one we talk about when someone is kind, the one we attribute to our charity and sensitivity. “She wears her heart on her sleeve. He has such a good heart. My heart hurts when I see such pain.” When we talk about our heart in that way, we refer to our human-ness. Our capacity to love and care. It’s a powerful thing, our heart, and all the emotions we attribute to it.

But the heart should not outweigh the brain. The brain is what tells us what is real, where our reasoning is, and helps us figure things out. Who among us hasn’t fallen in love with someone or something with our hearts, but realized with our brains that it would never fly? We need to reason even when there is emotion. We need to think even when we’re captivated. Sometimes that may take a little time until all the facts uncover themselves, and sometimes we know right away it’s not a good idea to follow our “hearts.” We need both our brains and our hearts to make decisions and if we’re careful, and take a little time, those decisions will be made well. Not always, of course, but if we think, we’ll be more successful than if we don’t.

Once I bought the most amazing jacket – I just loved it from the moment I saw it and it was on sale, so I bought it. It was expensive but I was completely crazy about it. So I followed my heart, pulled out my credit card and bought it. I was ecstatic all the way home with my new find. I couldn’t wait to wear it. But when I got home and pulled it out of the bag I noticed a problem with one of the sleeves I had not seen in the store. There was a big pull in the fabric and no matter how I twisted it and tried to fix it, there was no hope. And then when I looked at the color in the light of day, instead of the light in the store, it didn’t look so great. In fact it was ugly. Ugh. I could not return it – no sale returns clearly posted in the store, and now I was stuck with an expensive jacket I would never wear. I kept it in my closet for over a year as a reminder to me to THINK before I jumped when my heart told me to.

Making a bad purchase is a small thing in the scope of our lives, but the reminder to think before following our hearts is an important lesson. The boy with the heart transplant had been given a second chance at life. He had been given an extraordinary gift and in the end, he squandered it. He could have done amazing things with his life. He could have chosen to be noble. He could have helped others. He could have been the example for good. But he followed his other “heart” – his base desires and did not use his brain. And now he is gone. We should do better. We can use our hearts for all the great and tantalizing moments in our lives, but we can also engage our brains to think before we act. Be kind, be loving, be compassionate, be careful, AND be wise. Use your heart for good, and use your brain to help you achieve that good.

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What you want most.

30 Mar

Someone very wise once said, “Our greatest sorrows come when we give up what we want most in life for what we want most at the moment.” That’s a strong statement and it is most certainly true. What do we want most in life? The first step is to determine what that is. Not always as easy as one might think. What do we want most? Think about it. Take some time. Decide what is most important to you at this time in your life. Is it to spend more time with your family? To change your appearance? To get more fit? To change your career? To start working on that dream you’ve had for a while now?

Once you determine what you want most, begin to think about the ways you’ve been trading it off for what you want most at the moment. What are you doing now, that’s probably easier, that is keeping you from doing the thing you really want to do most? Perhaps you want to lose weight most of all, but right now you want those French fries. Perhaps you want to write your first novel, but your favorite TV show is on tonight and you don’t want to miss it. Perhaps you want to get closer to your family, but right now you want to relax at home. There is nothing wrong with eating French fries when you want them, watching TV or relaxing at home. But if those are just the things you want at the moment and not the things you want most of all, it may be time to re-evaluate them.

Life has a way of filling up our days with details and busy-ness. There is always one more thing to get done, one more deadline, one more chore to do. But all those things are momentary in nature. How can you rearrange things so that you have time for the one thing that isn’t momentary – the one thing you’ve really been wanting in your life? We are all in control of our time and how we use it. Yes, you may have a demanding job that takes your time, and you need that. Yes, there is a lot to do after that, but it’s not impossible to plan for the time you need to work on what you really want.

Today, take a few minutes and think about what you really want most out of your life right now. Define it, and then make a plan to make time for it. Change things around and make it a priority. Don’t let anything interfere with your plan. Start working on that one thing you want most. As you do, you will see that as it becomes part of your life, it will become second nature to give it the time you need to get to the goal. You will feel stronger being in control. You will feel happier knowing you are working on what’s important to you. You will feel more confident because what you really want, who you really are, is getting the attention we deserve.

“Our greatest sorrows come when we give up what we want most in life for what we want at the moment.”

Don’t give it up one more day. Start now. Change your course. Be what you want most to be.

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Opening the door.

28 Mar

When my son was about a year old, I sat him in his highchair and gave him his first popsicle.  He grabbed it from my hand grasping the frozen top instead of the handle and immediately stuck it in his mouth.  He loved it!  However, his hand was gripping the icy popsicle itself instead of the wooden handle.  I tried to pry his fingers off to move them down but he would not let go.  Quickly he began to cry because his fingers were freezing and were beginning to hurt, but he kept putting the popsicle in his mouth through all the tears, and had no way of knowing what the problem was.  I kept trying to loosen his grip but he thought I was taking his delicious treat away from him and he held on even tighter, continuing to cry and scream because his hand was hurting.  It took a few minutes but I was finally able to tug the popsicle from his iron grip, at which point he shrieked, tears pouring down his face.  I gently put the stick into his hand and finally he realized he could eat his treat without pain – finally holding it in the right place!  It was a very tense and comical situation while all of this was going on – me trying to comfort him while taking his hands off his prize, and him screaming because he wanted the popsicle and his hand was freezing.

I have never forgotten this experience.  Why?  Because there have been times in my life where I, too, have been holding onto the popsicle, screaming in pain, but refusing to let go.  Let me explain.

Sometimes we get to a place in our lives where we want something very badly.  We really want it.  We want it with all our hearts – but – there is something else holding us back from getting it.  Not necessarily something on the outside, but often something inside of us.  We have been hurt before so we are afraid to go forward.  We are unsure because it’s new territory and we don’t know how it will go, so we hesitate.  We aren’t positive we can handle the thing we want so badly.  We think we can but we aren’t completely sure.

So we get to the door, we go all the way up to it, it’s right there, that last step we need to take to move forward.  Our hand is on the knob, we can feel the tension, we are right there, but we can’t open it.  We want to, really want to, but if we open it everything will change.  We would have to let go of all our fears, all our insecurities about the decision and just go for it.  That takes determination, and it takes courage.  We really don’t know what will happen if we open the door.  We think it’ll be great.  We really want to do this, but we stop.  We are holding onto the popsicle too tightly. We don’t want to lose what we have, even if what we can gain is so much better.  We can’t let go.

Life is complex.  We go through so many changes, we travel so many different roads, we experience so many things.  We get hurt, we get happy, we get disappointed, we get relief, we cover the whole gamut of human emotional experiences.  And each one of them leaves a track – not always a scar – but definitely a track because we’ve traveled through it. Sometimes those experiences cause us to hesitate because they were painful and hard to overcome.  Some of them we have not overcome yet, and when we think of them they still hurt.  And so, the hesitation.

It’s a gamble.  There are no guarantees.  Everything is up for grabs.  We never know if things will go the way we think they will, the way we hope they will, or even they way we want them to.  But, if we don’t try, if we don’t ever open the door to the new experiences, we will never know.  We will stay in exactly the same situation we are in now, and never get to find out how it could have been.  The other side of the door holds new challenges, new opportunities, new decisions, and may offer new happiness.  It may also offer new sadness, but we won’t know if we never open it.  Getting close doesn’t really count for anything in the end.  Getting right up to the door doesn’t change anything.  We have to open it and walk through it.

Every day I hear people complain because their lives aren’t what they hoped they would be.  They aren’t living the life they really want and they are unhappy.  But the truth is that we all have the power to change our lives, we all have the power to try new things to be happy, every day.  But in order to do that, we have to let go of the popsicle.  We have to let go of the things that are holding us back, and we have to open the new door.   Will it be scary – probably.  Will it be unnerving – maybe.  Can we do it?  Absolutely.

What are you holding onto that is holding you back?  What are you afraid of?  What doors are waiting for you to open?  Walk up to them.  Put your hand on the knob, let go of the popsicle, shake it off, and open the door.  Take the chance.  Be brave – don’t look back, look forward.  It’s waiting for you.

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