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Guess What

23 Aug

When we talk to others and interact with them, we make judgments about what they say, who they are, and how they feel about us. We interpret their body language, the tone of their voice, and the phrases they use. Sometimes we understand the situation clearly and are able to effectively move forward from there. But because we’re dealing with assumptions based on our interpretations and not facts, we might guess wrong. And sometimes what we’ve assumed is not even close to what is real. When we try to interpret feelings, intentions, and meanings, we need to remember that we are only guessing. We may not, and probably don’t, have all the facts. Unfortunately, we sometimes act on our impressions, and make decisions based on them, and that can lead to problems and complications.

If we’re in a hurry, if we’re stressed, or we have a lot on our minds, we may sound irritated or angry when neither is the case. If we’re overwhelmed or distracted, we may sound bored. We might send out all kinds of mixed messages, and miscues. Instead of communicating clearly what is going on, we could send signals that infer the exact opposite of what we mean. It’s true for all of us. When we are talking with others, we may get an idea about how they’re feeling based on a misinterpreted response. And if we act on what we think is happening, we might get it wrong.

It’s important to clarify each situation before we make any decisions or move forward in any direction. We may ask the other party if what we think they are communicating is indeed what they meant to convey. In our own lives, if we think we’ve sent a confusing message, we can go back to those involved and explain the situation more clearly to be sure they know what we meant. Communication is the key. If we’re confused, we can ask for clarification, and we can offer the same. There is a lot of information being exchanged all the time. It’s important to take a moment to be sure what we think we saw, and what we think we heard was accurate.

Today if you feel confused about something someone said or did, ask for clarification. If you’ve been distracted and unclear in your message, be sure to explain it more carefully. Effective communication prevents a lot of complications and problems. That old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” is true. Be proactive. Clarify your message and ask for clarification from others. It doesn’t take much to clear up confusion at the beginning. Do your part. The guessing game can only take you so far. Be sure you have the whole story before you proceed.

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In the Zone

5 Aug

The other day I lent my car to a friend to run an errand.  He called me asking how to open the gas cover door so he could fill my tank.  I explained that there was a little latch on the floor next to the driver’s seat that he could pull up to open it.  But he said he was looking at that area and there was no latch.  I was sure it was there and asked him to look again, to which he replied, “I’m looking at the floor next to the seat and there is nothing like that.”  Unable to figure it out, he returned my car and asked me to show him the latch.  To my utter surprise when I looked in the car, there was no latch.  What?  I have owned this car for several years, and have filled the tank hundreds of times.  And then it came to me – you just had to push on the door to open it.  The phantom latch I was remembering was on a rental car I had driven recently.

I was dismayed by this experience.  How could I have forgotten something so basic that I do so often?  Well, it turns out, it’s not that hard.  We do things automatically, without thinking, and when they are part of our regular routine, we can get so used to the action, we are hardly aware of what we’re doing.  We go on auto pilot.  If I had needed to fill my gas tank, I would have automatically opened the little door.  But trying to access that information to share with someone else outside of the situation didn’t happen.  I never paid much attention.  And so, it never really became part of my conscious awareness.

We can do a lot of things on auto pilot.  We can go through our lives, go through the motions, and basically zone out.  We have our routines, some things are pretty predictable, and we fail to pay attention.  It’s something we all do.  We can go about completing our mundane tasks like drones on a mission.  But if we pay attention, if we decide to be involved and aware, we will get more out of our experiences.  There are so many people who come in and out of our lives we may ignore.  The cashier at the grocery store, the guy who makes our coffee every day, the crossing guard at the school we pass each morning, and others.  They are part of our lives, and taking just a moment to give a friendly wave, say hello, learn their names and build a relationship with them, will enrich us.  We have become an isolated society paying more attention to our smart phones than those around us.  But we can change that.  Every person we meet has something to offer, and each one is unique and special in some way.  If we extend our hands, say hello, zone in, and participate, our lives will be richer, and we’ll feel more connected to our world.

Today try to zone in.  Try to pay attention to those around you.  Say hello, introduce yourself, get to know the people you interact with regularly.  Be aware, and open up.  We are all connected to each other.  Don’t ignore those you come in contact with.  Today, engage them.  You’ll make new friends, and your life with be richer.

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Light

11 Jul

There are so many people in and out of our lives all the time. We have family, friends, acquaintances, and people we meet in passing. Every time we interact with them we have the chance to be a light in their lives. We have the chance to lift their hearts, make them feel valued, and show we care. There is a lot of darkness in this world. Crime, death, disasters, wars – we hear, and read about them constantly. But there is light as well. And we can be part of that if we so choose.

It’s sometimes hard to feel like we fit in, and sometimes we may feel alone. It seems we are more isolated today than in years past. All the technology makes it easy to communicate without spending time with others. Instead of a phone call on our birthday, we may get an email message. It’s nice to be remembered but without the personal interaction, it doesn’t mean as much. More and more we have lost the need to meet and talk in person, to call and chat, or to spend social time with our friends and family. As a result, we are more separate and apart, and that can make us feel alone and lonely, even surrounded by others.

When people feel left out, or lonely, it’s hard for them to be happy. They can feel forgotten by others, and sad. We have the opportunity every day to be a light to those around us. We can lift them by just showing that we care. We can show we are aware of them by saying hello when we pass them. We can support them by stopping for a moment to ask how they’re doing, and really listen when they talk to us. We can call those we haven’t seen in a while just to say hello, and remind them that we are thinking about them. And we can plan to spend more time together with those we’re close to so they remember we love them. We can share a smile with everyone we meet, and we can extend the hand of friendship. This world can be a lonely place, and it can be dark, and sad. If we care, we can lift others, and bring a smile. We can be the ones to bring the light.

Today try to extend yourself to someone around you. Say hello, have a short conversation, ask how they are, and let them know you are aware of them, and that you care. Tomorrow do it again with someone new. Share your light with others who may feel alone. If you light one candle with another, you have two flames without diminishing the first. The world needs all the light it can find. You have enough to share. Be the one to share your light today.

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The Boomerang Effect

4 Jun

Isaac Newton’s third law of physics says that for every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. Since we are part of the physical world, this applies to us. Whatever we send out, will return back an equal or opposite response. We act, and then others react in some way. Often people return back to us the same sort of behaviors we give to them. Sometimes we get an opposite return, but often our actions are mirrored in others’ responses to us. No matter which way it goes, we will get a reaction of some sort. The question is – will it be the reaction we were hoping for?

Not only do others react to what we do, but we react to our own actions as well. For instance, say we don’t sleep well and when it’s time to get up, we feel tired and cranky. We don’t put our best foot forward during the day because we feel off. We are short with those around us, and don’t go out of our way to be helpful. We keep to ourselves, and mope. At the end of the day will we feel happier or more out of sorts because of these choices? What reaction will we have to our own actions?

And the same is true in our relationships with others. If we treat them with care and concern, chances are the returning reactions will be positive. However, if we neglect them or abuse them, the response will probably be much different. If we are rude and mean to those we encounter, they may respond the same way back to us. But if we are polite and gracious, the very same people will often react more positively. Everything we do, everything we say, elicits a response. When those responses bounce back to us, how will they look? A lot depends on what we sent out to begin with.

Newton was clear – for every action there will be an equal or opposite reaction. Today if you’re not getting the reactions you want, before you start analyzing why people aren’t responding the way you had hoped, first look at your initial actions. Do you need to modify them to get the response you want in return? If you’re getting the opposite of what you want, it may be time to change what you’re sending out. It may be time to revise your behavior. Like in volleyball, before you send the ball over, you want to make sure your serve will get the best bounce back. Otherwise, you might get a spike you weren’t planning on. And nobody wants that.

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Stand Up

4 May

One day during an important staff meeting with the senior management team, my supervisor was annoyed at something that had happened, and made a remark giving his opinion that included several extremely vulgar words. I was shocked. I do not use that sort of language, and I found it to be very offensive, especially since I was at work, and required to attend the meeting. To my own, and everyone else’s surprise, I stood up at once and said, “I will not remain here in this meeting if this is the kind of language that will be used. I will not tolerate this level of un-professionalism, and I am completely offended.” I remember I was shaking because I was so upset. There was a stunned silence as everyone realized I had broken the first two cardinal rules of work. #1 – Do not criticize your boss, and #2 – Do not EVER criticize your boss in front of his/her boss. Yep, I had completely ignored those, and had stood right up, and spoken out. After a moment, my supervisor apologized to everyone, and said he was sorry he had used that language. I sat back down, and the meeting continued.

Afterward, back at my desk, I thought about what had happened, and I wondered what repercussions I would be facing for standing up, and making such a scene at the meeting. I was concerned that I may have jeopardized my job. I mean, you don’t correct your boss when his boss is in the room without something happening later, right? I remember sitting there and thinking I was going to face some serious setbacks for my outburst, and I was quite worried. But I had done what I felt was important. I had kept my standards, and stood up for what I thought was correct.

What happened next surprised me. One by one, the others in the meeting came by my desk to thank me for speaking up. They each said they, too, were offended by the comment, but were uncomfortable pointing it out, and they were proud of me for being brave enough to address it. And then my supervisor called me into his office. “Well, here it comes,” I thought. I took a deep breath, and walked over to see him. “Shut the door,” he said as I entered. I sat down, and looked him in the eye prepared to take whatever was coming. He looked at me, and then apologized profusely for his behavior at the meeting. He said I was right to say something, and he was embarrassed by his statements. He asked me to forgive him, and said he would never use that sort of language in the office again. I was stunned – I did not expect that.

We all have our own ideas about what is right and appropriate, and often when someone steps all over them, we don’t say anything. We just stay quiet to avoid an uncomfortable situation. But I learned that day that speaking up was the better choice. Most people don’t want to offend those around them. Sure, there are some that don’t care about anyone but themselves, but most people try to be polite, and not hurt others. So it’s appropriate if we are uncomfortable, that we say something. We have the right to say it’s not okay. We can stand up for what we think is right.

Today, if you find yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, remember, you can say something about it. You can be polite, but you can also be forthright. You can say you are uncomfortable, and you want the situation to change. You have that right. Today, exercise that right. Speak up. Be clear. Say what you are feeling. Do not sit quietly, and take it. If you stand up, you will feel stronger, and more empowered. You will gain the respect of those around you. And those are great attributes to gain. Speak up. Say what you mean. Be strong.

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