Tag Archives: Loss

Showing Up

17 Dec

Happy days come to us all. Things go well, we’re healthy, our loved ones are doing great, and we feel good. We like our neighbors, enjoy our jobs, and have plenty of relaxation and fun.  When everything is going well and life seems easy, we don’t have to do much to get through our days. They sail by and we feel content, and don’t have to draw on much within ourselves. We’re enjoying our lives, but we aren’t really learning much, which at the time is just fine with us. However, those times never last and when they change into more difficult periods, life becomes more challenging and it’s harder to process what we’re going through. When hard times come, as they inevitably will, we have to rely on ourselves to find courage and strength. Thankfully, both show up when we need them. We have everything we need to face anything that comes to us. Courage and strength wait in the wings when things are going well, and rise to the top just as we need them.

We can trust ourselves to find answers and get through any trial or difficulty we face. No matter how old we are, chances are we’ve faced hurtles before and surmounted them. We’ve figured out difficult puzzles and complex situations already so when they come again in their endless variations, we know we can face them. Of course, nobody wants to go through difficult times, and we may think we want our lives to be an endless picnic of fun without the ants. But life isn’t like that, and it’s in the trials where we learn to be brave and in the fire where we learn to be strong. Our courage is honed through practice, and our ability to process and untangle problems comes with experience.  Every single bump brings with it a blessing. As we go through them, figure them out, and conquer them, we get closer to the person we most want to be. We burn off a little more superficial shell, and get down to who we really are deep inside.

It takes faith to believe we can overcome obstacles that come to us, especially if they are very painful. We will experience many difficult things in our lives – death, sadness, loss, hurt, and shame to name a few. Although we don’t enjoy the hard times, they teach us the most, and on the other side of them we are deeper and more enriched than we were before they began. And we have everything we need to face them. Our courage, our stamina, our determination and our wisdom will rise the moment we need them. They are always there ready to assist, and with them we can conquer anything. Even in the most difficult moments, we can continue to go forward. Nothing lasts forever and as each problem untangles itself, as we heal from the loss, we begin to rebuild into someone stronger and more capable because of what we’ve overcome – again. This life is a continual round of lessons to be learned. We can learn them all and we can defeat any adversity. There is nothing we can’t do.

Today if you’re facing something very difficult and painful, remember you have everything you need to prevail. You have sufficient courage and wisdom to find resolution and move forward. There isn’t anything that is too hard for you. Everything you need is there for you already. Draw on it, pull from it, and let it rise. You will overcome this. It’s just one more step.

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Take that!

9 May

I have a friend who is generally nice, and amiable. But when she gets angry, she has no boundaries to what she will say or do. She says things that are vicious, and destructive to make her point. She goes way too far. I asked her about this, and she said she does it so the argument will end quickly. “If you crush them, they give in, and the fight is over,” she said, and in some ways she’s right. I have another friend with the same model. If he ever has a disagreement he, too, goes way too far. He uses a cannon when a flyswatter would have been enough. He says and does horrible things to hurt the other person, and it’s always destructive. He also says that he does this because it ends the fight quickly. And he likes returning to the relationship after the destruction to patch everything back up, and make it better. He likes that part a lot. It’s like a personal destroy, and recovery mission.

There could be no worse models for handling disagreements than these, and yet despite discussing the situation with them several times, they are either unable or unwilling to change. And so it continues. I’ve had many experiences with both of these people through the course of our friendships, and when they get angry and say horrible things, and make destructive comments way out of the scope of the disagreement, I am so stunned that I naturally end the conversation. The argument is over quickly, which is their goal – but the pain, and damage from the conversation remain. As a result of these behaviors, whether they acknowledge it or not, their relationships with others suffer. After they attack someone, it takes a while for the injured party to recover, and begin to trust them again. And sometimes they won’t ever trust them again, and decide instead to let the relationship go.

If we go for the jugular in our disagreements, if we go too far for whatever reason, we may lose more in the end than we want. People are flexible to a point. They will allow us to hurt them to a point. But once that point is reached, they may walk away, and abandon the relationship. So the question comes, is it worth the cost of a friendship to make a point? Is it worth losing someone we value so we can win? There is nothing to be gained by crushing others because of a disagreement. We may feel powerful in the moment, but that power is an illusion. The only power we are really displaying is the power to destroy a relationship. Anyone can do that. It’s not powerful at all. So, is it worth it to win the argument at any cost? Perhaps we need to rethink that. Perhaps the real power is when we use discretion and respect, and protect the relationships we cherish, even in conflict.

We all disagree from time to time. We all let others down sometimes. We will naturally argue, and we will have uncomfortable discussions. Unless we are fighting for our lives, there is no justifiable reason to destroy anyone we are disagreeing with. It’s just a disagreement. Sure, maybe they let us down, maybe they hurt our feelings, or maybe they did something truly horrible. No matter what they’ve done, trying to destroy them will not restore what has been lost, or repair the situation. It will probably make it worse. If we lose our self-control, and if we lose the relationship altogether, winning the argument won’t be worth it.

Today if you have a disagreement with someone, even if they’ve been horrible to you, remember that what you do is your decision. You may vanquish them, stick the knife in their heart so to speak, but what will you gain afterward? Will it be worth how you feel about yourself later? Will it be worth losing a friend? Think before you throw that spear. Think before you say those words. Think. Will it be worth the cost? What do you really want to gain?

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