Some years ago I had a very stressful job. It involved dealing with all kinds of unhappy people in situations where they were angry. I am pretty good at diffusing conflict and I learned very quickly just to listen and let them blow off steam before I would talk and offer suggestions for resolution. It was a good job in that the salary was high, the hours were good, and the benefit package was nice, but it was a very hard job and what made it worse was that my boss at the time was a bully. And to add to it, (although this term has been completely over used and tossed around way too much in recent years) the woman was also a racist. She hated white people. She frankly stated it time and again. At work! I will not reveal what race she identified with because it’s not important. What is important is that I am “white” or what she thinks of as white. Actually I’m Italian, but that was white enough for her.
The first few months in my new position, my boss ridiculed me regularly, demeaned me in meetings, and criticized me openly in front of my co-workers. Every time I turned around she made a snide remark about me, and did everything seemingly in her power to make me feel horrible. There were days I cried in my car driving home thinking, “I can’t go back tomorrow.” But I needed the job and there was no way I could quit. I tried meeting with her alone but she would not show at our appointed time. I asked again and again to see her, and she would not meet with me. Her boss was also her best friend who hired her despite the fact that she did not meet the requirements for the job, so going to him seemed pointless. And so I was stuck day after day basically in job hell. After several months of this, I became physically sick and called my elderly dad and told him what was going on. He was patient and told me what I already knew – I shouldn’t have to put up with this. Then I called my attorney and asked him what my options were and he advised me with all kinds of legal suggestions that I figured would just make the situation worse. And then I called my Bishop at church who advised me to pray about it, which I had been and continued to do. But still there was no change.
After one particularly horrible day, I went home sick to my stomach, with a grinding headache, and decided I couldn’t take it any more. I shouldn’t have to put up with this, I didn’t want to take legal action, and so I decided I was going to have to quit. I didn’t know how I was going to manage but anything was better than what I was enduring.
I got home, cried a little, felt horrible a lot, took a long soak in the hottest water I could stand, and went to bed. Resigned to my fate. Defeated. Done.
But something happened that night. I tossed and turned in bed for hours and at about 2:00 in the morning I sat straight up and said out loud, “Oh no you don’t. You are not taking my job from me. This ends NOW.” Somehow in a moment I had changed. I was not going to be the victim anymore. I was going to stand up and although I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I was going to confront her in the morning and put a stop to the abuse. I took a deep breath, steeled my resolve and went to sleep.
The next morning I got up and got ready. I was nervous and scared, tremulous, but determined. No more letting her roll over me. No more abuse. When I got settled at work, I stood up, took a deep breath and marched into her office. I shut her door, and told her I needed to talk to her. She looked up at me like she wanted to put a knife in my heart. I took another deep breath and said:
“I will no longer tolerate your abusive behavior. It will stop today. If it does not stop today, I will either file a civil lawsuit of discrimination, an EEO complaint, or a grievance. Or I might file all three. But your degrading comments about me and to me, your constant criticism, and your remarks about my race end now. This is over. Are we clear?”
She was stunned! She looked like she had been hit in the face with a brick (I know I exaggerate but you need to know the full effect of my words.) She cleared her throat and said she would have to report my comments to her boss, and I said, “That will be fine. Are we done here?” She nodded, and I turned and left her office.
When I got back to my desk I nearly fell into my chair I was shaking so hard. I felt I had faced down the demon, and it had been both a terrifying, and immensely gratifying experience. It took a while for my breathing to calm and for me to be able to feel normal again, but I was very, very proud of myself of facing the issue and doing what had to be done.
After the moment I left her office, everything changed instantaneously. I never heard another single negative thing from my boss. Nothing. She was cordial and polite every time we interacted, she was respectful in meetings, and when we passed in the halls she always said hello. I couldn’t believe the difference or how quickly it happened. Later she moved on to another job, as did I. We’re both still with the same company, and when we see each other she is always quick to say hello and ask how I’m doing. A complete and total reversal from where we had been.
Is there a bully in your life? Someone who is making you miserable? Someone who is doing things that hurt you maliciously? You don’t have to take that. You can stand up to it. They say that many people who bully others do so because they have a low self image and lack courage. That seems to have been the case in my situation. I am not an extremely brave person. I struggle with fear – have my entire life. It took everything I had to stand up to the bully in my life, but I did it, and everything changed. If I can do it, you can do it too. Stand up. You are worth the very best there is out there. You can defend yourself and you can prevail.
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