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Day of Rest

3 May

Years ago, Sundays were different than they are today. Most stores were closed, there were few, if any, local events, and there wasn’t much to do but rest, go to church, and spend time with friends and family. It was often a day when families would gather together for Sunday dinner, and spend time catching up. It was a day when we didn’t work, and when we took things more slowly. It was a day at the end of a busy week when we rested – we took a pause. But things were different then. We were different then.

Today, virtually every mall and store is open on Sunday, and there are lots of places to go, and things to do. Some families still gather for a traditional Sunday meal, but it isn’t as common as it once was. For many of us, Sunday is just another day. We shop, we work, we go to sporting events, it’s pretty much like any other day of the week. The old fashioned day of rest now looks like all our other days. We stay busy, and resting isn’t part of the equation.

Times change. Change isn’t always bad, but it is inevitable. Sundays are different now. If we practice a religion where Sunday is set aside, we may still reserve it as a day of rest. If we don’t, we may be just as busy on Sunday as any other day. If that’s the case, when can we set aside a day to rest? In our super charged society where we are so busy all the time, where there is never enough time to get everything done, where it seems we are constantly encouraged to do more, when do we recharge? When do we take a pause to reset and rest? We know we need the time for ourselves so we can be at our best, but if we don’t purposely schedule our lives for it, it slips away, and is lost. We just keep going. The result can be that we get burned out, exhausted, and fed up.

Every day we push ourselves to do more, to be more, and to get more done. But we are human beings, we get tired, and we need to take a break. We deserve to take a break. There’s a tandem relationship between pushing forward and taking time out. The best way to get ahead is to make sure we are strong and prepared, and the best way to do that is to take time to relax. If we make the time to STOP a priority, it will make us more energetic when it’s time to go again.

Today, think about scheduling a day of rest each week. Sunday is a good day for that, but if it doesn’t work with your schedule, choose another. But make it a priority. Make it important. Put it in your smart phone, write it in your day planner, and block it out of your calendar. Set the time aside to restore yourself, to rest, to reflect, and to recharge. Maybe just spend the day doing nothing. Maybe spend time with friends or family. Whatever it takes to refresh your body and spirit – plan for it and follow through. If you do, you’ll feel better, you’ll be stronger, and your focus will be clearer. You’ll be restored and ready to face whatever comes next. Our lives are busy, and sometimes challenging. We give, and give, and give. It’s time to give to yourself. Plan for it.

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Promises Promises

18 Apr

Frequently as we go through our lives we make commitments. We agree to do things, to follow through, to accomplish projects, to be somewhere, etc. We do this every day in some way or another. And when we agree to do something, we are giving our word, and in essence, a promise that we will do something. Now the word “promise” means different things to different people. Some people don’t think giving their word is as binding as making a promise, but the fact is when we say we will do something, we are making a promise that it will be done. Just because we don’t use the word “promise” when we commit, does not make the commitment less important or less binding.

It is imperative if we want to be trusted, that we keep our word – our promises. Some people give their word easily with no intention of following through. Perhaps they just want the conversation to end so they can move on, and saying they’ll do whatever is being asked will end it. When we have someone in our lives that does this, someone who constantly says they will do something, and then does not follow through, we eventually stop trusting them, and we stop asking them. Since it’s impossible to have a close, trusting relationship with someone who does not keep their word, we move them a step away from us. We back away a bit from the closeness we had before. That will negatively affect the relationship. It can’t be prevented. Relationships by their very nature are based on trust. If the trust is gone, there isn’t much left to hold onto.

But what if we can’t keep our word because of circumstances out of our control? Sometimes things happen, and we can’t follow through on what we’ve said we would do. When that happens we need to let those involved know right away, explain the situation, and decide how to go forward. But if we do this over and over again, something always comes up, there is always a reason why we can’t follow through, there is always an excuse, then the situation is different. If that happens, after a time, those around us will no longer believe us when we say we will do something, they will no longer trust our word, and they will assume we are going to bail. They won’t count on us anymore.

If we are going to give our word, or make a promise, we must do everything in our power to keep it. We can’t just forget about it, we can’t just make up an excuse because we don’t want to do it, we can’t dodge the person who asked us hoping it’ll just fade away. We must keep our word. And if we can’t we must handle that appropriately so other plans can be made. If we do these things, if we are truthful, our relationships will be stronger, people will trust us, they will learn that we are honest, and that we care about them. We’re all in this together. We need to care about each other. We need to follow through. We need to be there for each other. Without that, we stand alone, and nobody wants that.

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And so it goes.

8 Apr

Sometimes things don’t always go the way we plan. There is a saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, make plans.” We’ve all experienced times in our lives when we’ve made what we thought were good, tight plans, only to see them go horribly awry. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Everything in life is fluid and that is constant, which seems to be an oxymoron – fluidity is constant. But it’s true. We can’t predict what other people will do, we can’t predict what will happen, we can’t even predict the weather with any real surety. So we plan, and we hope that those plans will go the way we want them to.

I just returned from vacation. Vacation, as I’m sure you know, is a time when you’re supposed to relax, have fun, change locations, spend time with people you love, laugh a lot, recharge…those sorts of things. Yeah, well my vacation didn’t exactly work out that way. I planned this vacation because my job was very stressful and I really needed a break. I was tired and overworked, overwhelmed with all my responsibilities, and I really, really needed and wanted a week to kick back, and have fun.

I did change locations, and went to a beach to spend some time on the shore listening to the waves, watch the dolphins cavort in the surf, walk in the sand, feel the ocean breeze – all wonderful ways to spend the days. But the camaraderie of friends was sadly missing. Oh I went with friends and a relative, and had high hopes for lots of fun. But instead of fun there was tension, instead of relaxation, there was stress. Unfortunately, one person in our group was unhappy in her life, and you know that old saying that misery loves company? Well, she evidently made it her mantra for the entire trip. I tried to keep things light, because in a situation like that it doesn’t help to confront, and escalate the problem. I listened with patience to the complaints, accepted the criticisms with grace, and made my way through the week. It wasn’t all bad, and there were moments of peace, but it just wasn’t the fun I had hoped for. It wasn’t the break I wanted, and it certainly wasn’t the respite I needed. At the end of the week I was relieved to finally say goodbye and go home. When I got home I was exhausted, and wished I had never gone on “vacation.”

So, sometimes things don’t go the way we plan. Sometimes they don’t go well. Sometimes they go horribly wrong. But no matter what life gives us, we can choose to get bogged down in the mess we find ourselves facing, or we can take a breath, wait a moment, and choose to look up and be the light. My trip was not fun, but I’m happy that I chose to be the light while there. It wasn’t easy, but I knew if I let myself fall into the mire of the discontent of others, it would be worse. At least if I chose to be kind, to be supportive, I could feel good about myself. So with each rude comment I smiled and said something pleasant. With each complaint I listened with patience and offered a positive suggestion. I tried to be an example, and I tried to show acceptance and love.

We all have the choice every day to be the one to make things better. We don’t always have to defend ourselves, we don’t always have to point out where someone is wrong. Sometimes, we can let it go, and just set a higher example. This life is a gift. Every single day is a gift. It is best to rejoice more than complain, to comfort more than confront, to love more than to judge. Today when things go wrong, when you hear complaints, when you find disappointment, try to keep it in perspective. It’s not the end of the world as we know it, it probably won’t matter in a few days, and everything will be different tomorrow. Fluidity is constant. Look up. You got this.

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I was just kidding.

5 Apr

I had a friend some years ago that I enjoyed doing things with.  She was interesting and fun, and we had a lot of laughs. I enjoyed being with her but only until someone else joined us.  Whenever someone else was with us, she would criticize me continually, make fun of me, and generally make me look like a fool.  I would ask her about this afterward and she always said the same thing, “I was just kidding.”  Hmm.

Tonight on the phone I was talking to a friend who was very stressed out about a party she was planning, and made a comment about another friend we have.  I know this person quite well and he is notorious for making bad decisions.  I said something about being careful trusting his decisions because we’ve seen where they can go.  She laughed and said, “Well that’s just because you always think the worst of everyone.”  I told her that wasn’t a very nice thing to say to me and it certainly wasn’t true.  “Oh I was just kidding,” she said.  Hmm again.

There are a lot of people who make cutting remarks, criticize, and say uncomplimentary things, and then excuse their behavior by saying they were just kidding.  It really isn’t funny to do these things, and it’s not an appropriate way to kid around with people we are supposed to care about and like.  I’ve been thinking about this behavior and wondering what fuels it.  Is it because the other person is stressed out, like my friend tonight?  Is it because the other person doesn’t like something about us but isn’t brave enough to say so?  Is it because there is a jealousy issue?  I really don’t know what the reasons are but I have known a few people over the course of my life who have adopted this “just kidding” mantra when they hurt other people’s feelings.

My friend from years ago – I eventually ended my association with her because I didn’t like the way she treated me when others were around.  I got tired of her “kidding.”  So, because she couldn’t stop, she lost a friend to spend time with.  Is it worth the cost of a friendship to say hurtful things in passing, covering it up with that phrase?  Is it worth losing a friend?  I don’t think so.

Life can be complicated and difficult.  It can be stressful and we all make mistakes.  We trust our friends to be there when the going gets rough, and we rely on them to have our backs.  As friends, we should do those things as well.  It seems it would be best not to fall into the “just kidding” trap.  We should be respectful, supportive, and truthful.  Our friends depend on us the same way we depend on them.  We should be the ones that set the standard.  We should be the best friends we can be.  Friendship is a great gift.  It’s not something to be squandered and toyed with.  It’s a gift.  We should treasure it. And that’s no kidding.

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Getting the last word.

1 Apr

There are some people in this world who, for reasons that escape me, absolutely HAVE to have the last word. They need to have the final say, the last comment, the end remark to close the issue or conversation. Most often this is during a disagreement or negotiation situation of some sort, but not always. This seems like a control issue. They can’t let it go, whatever “it” is, until they are the ones to end it.

Everyone has dealt with people like this and it is nearly impossible for them to let it go. If we say another word after they are supposedly done, they will speak up and end it again. This will go on and on until they finally get the last word. If the situation is intense and we feel strongly about something, we may be tempted to send one more salvo after they’ve ended their part, but that never works. If we say anything after they are done, they will revise and make another comment. The conversation will not end until they end it. Nothing will end until they say it’s over.

So how can we navigate this and still feel like we have some control ourselves? The most effective way to deal with someone who has to have the last word is to LET THEM HAVE IT. We can state our positions, we can be calm and effective, we can be clear and concise, and we can be in control of our emotions. After we have said everything we feel is important to establish our point of view, we can stop talking. The other person can then respond to everything if they like, say what they want to, and end the conversation by having the last word. Giving them the last word does not weaken our positions or us. It does not change our message or make it less important. In fact, by standing by our previous statements and allowing the other party to have the last word, we are in fact the ones in control of the conversation. We own it because we consciously decide when it will end.

People who need the last word can make our interactions difficult – if we let them. They can make the conversation go on and on way past the point of resolution – if we let them. They can frankly make us miserable and even lose focus of the original point – if we let them. But we don’t have to let them. We can be in control of the conversation, we can be in control of how things go and when they will end. If your counterpart needs the last word to finish the issue – let them have it. And be content knowing you set your own boundaries and stayed in control of your actions. That’s the most effective way to navigate the situation. And when we’re effective, most often we’re successful in achieving our goals. And achieving our goals, not getting the last word, is the prize after all.

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