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What’s on the inside?

17 Apr

I just love to open a brand new box of chocolates. I tear off the cellophane wrapper, open the box and gaze at the gloriously beautiful, decadent, and alluring pieces of delicately designed morsels before me. I lean close and breathe in the wonderful aroma. I’m perfectly happy anticipating the first, delectable bite of deliciousness…but first, I look at the map. I review the map telling me what’s inside those little lovelies because I absolutely detest lemon creams. I hate them. I don’t know why anyone would put lemon with chocolate. Raspberry – delicious, cherry – wonderful, truffle – always, but lemon? No. I hate them. And since you can’t tell what’s on the inside from looking at the beautifully created outside, the map is invaluable. At least to me. Now maybe you don’t care, and lemon is just as good as any other flavor, but for me, it’s a deal breaker.

I have a friend who is very successful and well spoken. She seems cheery and polite most of the time, and she always says the right things to the right people. She seems almost perfect. But when you really get to know her, you realize it’s all an act. Her laughter at the boss’s jokes is fake. In fact, I actually don’t think I’ve ever heard a genuine laugh come from her. She smiles but there is no joy on her face. She moves in rehearsed ways, she says all the predictable phrases, and she changes the way she dresses to match the group she’s with. There doesn’t seem to be anything genuine about her. Everything is fake. When I first met her I thought she was so easy to get along with, so jolly and friendly but then I noticed that as soon as whomever she was charming at the moment walked away, her demeanor immediately changed. She would adjust her personality every time someone new came around and pretend to be like them. After a while I couldn’t tolerate being near her. It was almost painful to watch her go through all these imitations of being real. Who is she inside? I have no idea. I’ve known her for years and I have no idea who she really is. I sometimes wonder if she knows who she is. To me, she’s like a lemon cream. She looks good on the outside, almost perfect, but inside there is something less desirable.

In order to get along and fit in we sometimes have to modify our personality traits, but we can still be genuinely who we are. If we aren’t, who are we? Is it enough to be merely a reflection of those around us? Is it enough to mimic the behaviors of those we want to impress? Is it enough to pretend to be someone else? If we do that over and over we could get lost and actually forget who we really are. And that would be a terrible loss. Each of us has unique gifts to bring to this world. We’re all different and we all have something to offer that is uniquely us. If we ignore those distinctions and simply copy those around us, the world misses out on what we really have to offer. It’s a trap we can fall into when we aren’t confident, when we aren’t sure, when we want badly to fit in. It’s a trap and like all traps, once you’re in, it can be hard to escape.

Think about who you are today. Think about who you really are inside. Are you showing that to those around you or are you pretending to be someone else because you think you’ll be more accepted? Everyone appreciates an honest person who is genuine and clear about who they are. Even when there are disagreements, it’s important to be truthful about where we stand, how we feel, and what we’ll do. If we can do that every day, be completely honest and not play games to fit in, people will come to trust us, to understand what they can expect from us, and know that no matter what comes we will tell it like it is. And when people trust us, we open far more doors in every situation than if we just try to fit in. Be yourself today. Really be who you are. Be confident. Be truthful. Be honest. Don’t deceive others by trying to be something you’re not. Be yourself. It’s the only way to really move forward. And since we can’t go backward, if we aren’t moving forward, we are stuck. And getting stuck gets us nowhere.

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I was just kidding.

5 Apr

I had a friend some years ago that I enjoyed doing things with.  She was interesting and fun, and we had a lot of laughs. I enjoyed being with her but only until someone else joined us.  Whenever someone else was with us, she would criticize me continually, make fun of me, and generally make me look like a fool.  I would ask her about this afterward and she always said the same thing, “I was just kidding.”  Hmm.

Tonight on the phone I was talking to a friend who was very stressed out about a party she was planning, and made a comment about another friend we have.  I know this person quite well and he is notorious for making bad decisions.  I said something about being careful trusting his decisions because we’ve seen where they can go.  She laughed and said, “Well that’s just because you always think the worst of everyone.”  I told her that wasn’t a very nice thing to say to me and it certainly wasn’t true.  “Oh I was just kidding,” she said.  Hmm again.

There are a lot of people who make cutting remarks, criticize, and say uncomplimentary things, and then excuse their behavior by saying they were just kidding.  It really isn’t funny to do these things, and it’s not an appropriate way to kid around with people we are supposed to care about and like.  I’ve been thinking about this behavior and wondering what fuels it.  Is it because the other person is stressed out, like my friend tonight?  Is it because the other person doesn’t like something about us but isn’t brave enough to say so?  Is it because there is a jealousy issue?  I really don’t know what the reasons are but I have known a few people over the course of my life who have adopted this “just kidding” mantra when they hurt other people’s feelings.

My friend from years ago – I eventually ended my association with her because I didn’t like the way she treated me when others were around.  I got tired of her “kidding.”  So, because she couldn’t stop, she lost a friend to spend time with.  Is it worth the cost of a friendship to say hurtful things in passing, covering it up with that phrase?  Is it worth losing a friend?  I don’t think so.

Life can be complicated and difficult.  It can be stressful and we all make mistakes.  We trust our friends to be there when the going gets rough, and we rely on them to have our backs.  As friends, we should do those things as well.  It seems it would be best not to fall into the “just kidding” trap.  We should be respectful, supportive, and truthful.  Our friends depend on us the same way we depend on them.  We should be the ones that set the standard.  We should be the best friends we can be.  Friendship is a great gift.  It’s not something to be squandered and toyed with.  It’s a gift.  We should treasure it. And that’s no kidding.

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